Morning Gorgeous xx
How are you all today? Good I hope. As you all know, that’s all I ever want to see; is everyone happy and enjoying life if they possibly can. The motto is; “If life throws you lemons, make lemonade”. And that is all too true. We are all here for a reason and we must live to find out what that reason is. so make that lemonade, and make it the best you’ve ever made. Then enjoy every minute of drinking it. THAT is what it is all about.
I suppose youre wondering why I’ve written that today? I wouldnt blame you. Well the reason behind it is also the reason why I’m compelled to write this post. I’m writing it for someone I know. Someone I now know very well. And someone, now I’ve found them, I don’t want to lose. For that person is Amazing, truly amazing and they’ve left me totally speechless. I don’t know what to say. I don’t even know where to start. I just know that if I don’t capture this now, I’m afraid I’ll lose it forever – and I don’t ever want to do that.
When this person reads this post, and I hope they do, they’ll know it’s written for them. They’ll know why. And I hope they see this post for what it is – me capturing something I’ve never felt before, and something I’ve yet to learn how to explain. But in order to try, I must write it down. So write I will.
I’ll start with a story. A story which has never made sense to me until recently, but is very close to my heart. A story which, one day, I know will come true – very soon if my current feeling are correct. And I can’t wait for that to happen now, because I’d love it if the person that this post is intended for is part of that story. Because in our own, very similar way, we are both unique. And with the right guidance; hopefully from each other, we could do great things. I want that to happen, but time will reveal all.
Ok, so you know how I came to write this blog. If you’ve read everything from the beginning, you’ll know the kind of life I’ve had. How I came to be who I am today. You’ll know the trauma, the pain, and some of the laughs and the memories. And I’ll start with some of those memories; they’re very important. But they’re not memories I share often, and due to that, i can’t remember if I’ve shared them before. One word may jog your memory; however, and that word is Deja-Vu.
The feeling of having done something before but knowing full well you haven’t. The flashbacks, the memory’s and the dreams. The dreams from when I was a teenager which compelled me to move forward and have driven me to shape my life the way I have. The waiting for something exciting to happen, something that would change my life completely and allow me to be me, and live life to the fullest. We as we know, coming out as Trans; learning to be the woman I’ve always wanted to be, and living my life to the fullest and enjoying every minute of it, was that change. A change in perception and being able to see things for what they really are. THATS the difference and I’m not scared anymore.
So OK, what the hell. Why now? Why write this? I’ll tell you. I met someone recently, someone in a similar position to me, but further along. I found I liked that person, more than I realised but I could never explain why. I just knew I had to get to know that person; because they were significant somehow. I’m attracted to that person – a lot. And I want them around.
We have a similar outlook in life, similar backgrounds. We like similar things, there’s differences; of course there are. But I believe we’re similar enough to see those differences for what they are – differences. That’s it. The flip side though, is we are different enough to allow ourselves space, if we want it. I know I would if they wanted it and I’d back them to the hilt in anything they want to do; no matter how different it is for me – I’d be there and I think they’d be there for me. It’s that feeling, you know the one I mean. That one.
So where’s this some from? What’s blown your head off? OK. Today has been an interesting day. I’ve been for an interview for a job, and I hope I’ve passed round one. I don’t know, but we can hope. I went to see a friend after that. And we had an open heart discussion. I was as honest as I can be, I don’t want to lose this friend; or their family, as they mean a lot to me – they’ve helped me massively and shown me the way back to being the person I need to be. I value they’re support. I’ve let them down recently; with reason, but not reason enough to mean I wasn’t in the wrong and needed to apologise for some of the things I’ve done. And I do. I know they’ll read this – I hope they can see that I mean what I say.
Well I finally arrived home, phoned my mum to wish her happy birthday, and have a catch-up. Mother / Daughter chat. I miss my mum; but I’m glad she’s back in my life, it means a lot.
And then a certain person appeared, and we started chatting, a lot. I enjoyed the chat very much and I want to have more of those chats, I hope I can as we are so similar, yet so different; I just completely relaxed. So much so that I asked a question, a very forward question; which I wouldn’t normally have done. I would have avoided it, skirted around it but I didn’t want to. I wanted to know.
I didn’t think of the consequences, I didn’t want to. I just felt so comfortable in this persons company that I wanted to know more. And the converstaion stopped, abruptly.
IT SCARED THE HELL OUT OF ME.
I’m serious, it did. Ten minutes of dead silence. Felt like hours. I’m filling up thinking about it. God why could I be so stupid?…
And then the answer came. And it fucking blew me away.
Literally blew me away.
I will not reveal the contents of that conversation to anyone, ever. Don’t even try to ask. I will take that conversation to my grave. I was amazed however, truly amazed. Yet scared. scared to death that I’ve alienated that personby asking the question I have. But they responded in exactly the same way I would, so why would I think that. Well I know what I’d do. And that’s why I’ve wrote this post; to tell them how I feel – altough I couldn’t move for half an hour afterwards; I was shell shocked.
Names are not important, that person knows who they are. And I hope that after reading this post; they know how I feel. And that I’ve never felt like this before.
Here’s to hoping I’m right, and the future is brighter for both of us. Because we bloody well deserve it.
Much love,
Vikki xx
Feeling Trans 