How are you all doing doing today? Hope you’re in a better place than I am.
You see; something is knocking me for six recently; and I can only guess, in the turmoil I call my life, what it is. It’s changing me, so it could be the Transition. It’s making me angry, so it could be some of the things that have happened – and there’s been a few. I want to hide, so it could be the pressure. And I want to run away, so it could; literally, be me. But either way, I don’t feel right and I’m finding it very difficult to tell the people around me what it is.
There’s two problems in trying to sort it out – and both are the reasons why I’m writing this now. The first, is there’s so many places I can start in trying to sort it out, I don’t know where to begin. And I mean that, I LITERALLY don’t know where to begin. There’s so much going around in my head it’s ridiculous. If I were to sit someone down and talk about it we would need a full day to get through it all, and thats before you start giving me solutions to the issues at hand.
The second, and this is going to upset a few people. Is I’m fed up with talking to people and not being listened to. Fed up with asking for help and not getting it when I need it, or getting the help that people think I need and not what I actually want, or ask for.
And when I say I’m fed up, I’m fucking fed up. There’s two posts on this blog that I’ve taken down for different reasons; mainly because they upset someone and they didn’t think they shouldn’t be up. So I listened, and I took them down. Well I’m sorry folks, this is my fucking blog; not yours and there’s only me and you that know why the fucking post is there. If it upsets you that I wrote it, and you can’t deal with that, is that really my fucking problem? I don’t think so.
Transitioning is hard. It’s very fucking hard. And I started this blog so people can understand how hard it actually is. What really goes on in the mind of someone who is transitioning. What emaotions you feel, what actions you take – and why. This blog is meant to be hard-hitting, it’s meant to deal with issues people don’t talk about. It’s supposed to get right to the core. And for me it does because it’s my safe place to write what I want to write. It’s my diary. These are my feelings. And it’s up to me if I want to put them in a public place or not.
This gutless wonder does actually have a pair of balls. She’s just spent most of her life trying to fucking hide them.
Now there’s a reason why I have had to hide them. And I was talking about that reason to someone this morning. And I think that person agreed with me, Although I am worried that they, and others, think I’m losing it. They could be right, but I think I’m finding it. I think I’m finding my voice, albeit a little indiscriminately at the moment.
It’s the indiscriminate part that people are pissed off at. Don’t blame you, who wouldn’t – this isn’t easy for me to go through, so there’s no way in hell it’s going to be easy for you to watch. It’s not meant to be easy to handle but I mean, christ, people think I’m going crazy. But then look at it from a Male perspective, Men who don’t understand think women are crazy, and vice-versa. Bioth sides of that are true aren’t they? Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus??…
Well hello folks, I’m right smack in the middle of the fucking two – welcome to my world.