Morning gorgeous xx
How are we all today? As usual I hope you’re all well and staying safe. I’m gonna be honest with you today, I’m not. In fact, for the last few days all I’ve done is sleep. For the last few months, if someone doesn’t drag me out of the house, I’ve not wanted to go out. You wouldn’t know any of this as I’m very good at hiding things (I hid from myself for 45 years – Now that’s a skill).
No. I sit here today and I want to cry. I want to burst out in massive tears of emotions and I don’t understand why. There have been times over the last few days (weeks actually, but lets not split hairs) where I’ve actually wanted to end my life – Even to the point of planning how I would do it and which way is the most effective, painless, and least troublesome to everyone else. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to.
And yet, somehow, I do. I pull myself out of this on a regular basis and I get up and I try again. I put a smile on my face, so no one knows the real pain and heartache I feel every day. And some days, I even get to the point where I think I’m happy.
But I’m not.
This is not a new thing to me though, I’ve felt this way for years. I’ve been to counsellors, shrinks, psychs.. I’ve tried almost every anti-depressant drug imaginable. When I look back at my life, I see a catastrophe littered with bright lights and shining stars – Some so bright no one would ever believe they’re mine. But they are – Every story I tell there’s a grain of truth in it. I was there, at that point in time, when that happened and I had something to do with it. These are my memories. Believe them.
Other people see things differently. They see a different version of you, than you do. They see the smile, they see the act, they see the outward appearance. They see what you want them to see. It’s human nature for us to do so. There are times when we can be ourselves & not wear a mask, and there are times when we cant & we have to wear a mask. Society dictates the rules, the heirarchy, the direction of travel. Without it there would be Anarchy and Anarchy does not equate to evolution, yet it does equate to change.
So what has all this got to do with HRT? What is it that they don’t tell you? What are you trying to say, Vik? I’ll tell you. It’s pretty straightforward really.
Don’t try and do this s*** on your own!
And if there is any legacy that I want to leave with this blog, it’s that there NEEDS to be better care for people like me. We should not be Demonised, we should not be Infantilised, we should not be rejected – Just because we are different. But that also doesn’t mean that we all need to be heard. No. Some of us, and they know who they are, talk through their backside. Trans rights are human rights, and rightly so, but in society only a broad spectrum of those rights are accepted and acknowledged.
Why? To avoid Anarchy. To achieve balance, order, integration, acceptance. We cannot be all things, to all people, all the time; it’s not possible. I can accept you for who you are, but I have the choice whether I like it or not. I have the choice to interact with you, or not. If I have to, I will but if I don’t, why should I? But it is wrong of me to target you and ostracise you; just because I don’t like something about you.
So what’s this got to do with HRT? and what don’t they tell you, that you need to know? And you did it on your own, why are you backtracking now??
HRT creates change, and with change comes Anarchy; a loss of order. Things will be different, you have to accept that – And you can’t do that without help. Someone has to monitor you, someone has to watch you, someone has to care. And yes, you have to care for yourself enough to go through this in the first place. But I see the ever growing list of names at TDOR (Trans Day of Remembrance) every year and I know that there are people out there for whom the fight is over. That there are people out there who have given up. That there are people out there who lost the battle.
But I also know that there are people out there that won. There are people out there flying the flags, every day, for people like me. Actively pushing for change, so that people like me don’t end up going through this alone. That there are people who care.
Transitioning fucks with your head, whether you want it to or not. HRT will play with your mind and your body. Your life will change. Be prepared for that. To those people who are going through this alone; even in part, my heart goes out to you all. Take help where you can get it, even if it’s just for one day. Even if it’s reading this. Take comfort from the fact that there are people out there who ARE on your side, who ARE on your level, who ARE going through what you are going through; even if we don’t see eye to eye on every point in the rulebook.
You can do it, you can win. Have respect for others and they will have respect for you. If you help someone, accept help from someone. Aim for balance, and you will always win through in the end.
They don’t tell you that it’s going to fuck with your head. They tell you it’s a bed of Roses. It’s not. Be prepared for the worst and hope for the best, and you’ll make it through…
Much Love,
Vikki xx
Feeling Trans 