Firstly, excuse this first post if it’s a bit unprofessional looking – I’ll edit it on a PC (I have enough of them) when I get the chance. I’m writing this on my mobile phone at 3am, having been rudely awakened by the thoughts in my head; after a recent TV programme on the UK TV channel ITV. That programme being Transformation Street (#transformationstreet). Which is focussing on the issues surrounding transgender men and women, as they work through their journey to becoming the gender they strive to be.
To add some perspective. I’m Trans. I’m a Trans Female. I want to be a woman.
I don’t want to be a man anymore. I’ve done that, got the T-shirt, and worn it. With pride might I add – All 45 years of it. The best thing about it is. I enjoyed it. I didn’t want to be a woman, I worked hard to be a Man. And it wasn’t an easy task. There were things that didn’t add up. Oddities, you might say. Little things, well not so little, but easily suppressible – I’ll go into more detail later. But suffice to say; I could, for the most part, easily blow them off. And do so to the point where 99% of people thought I was a Man. With no questions asked.
In 2016, however, things began to change. Not to this extent (being Trans). But events happened, that brought in changes, that I was going to have difficulty dealing with. Autism for one.
I’m Autistic. Asperger Syndrome or High Functioning Autism. I was diagnosed in September 2016 at the CLASS clinic here in Cambridge, England. The CLASS clinic is a leading diagnostic centre in the field of Autism research and is linked to the, rather well known, Cambridge University. Therefore, I think the diagnosis of Aspergers is pretty sound and isn’t going to change.
Well that brought about some changes in my head. It began to change the way I think. It certainly changed the way I viewed myself and my place in the world. And this was badly needed as in the preceding years things had changed for me massively. I’d become a father for one, moved 200 miles away from my family, quit smoking; drinking; etc., changed my name. A few things really. It was time for change.
And change they did. I changed careers, sideways. Out of IT and into Payroll & HR. (Still getting used to that). I achieved a dream of going to America. Didn’t matter if it was for work, I went. And I met a woman who, ultimately, landed me £30000 in debt – Thanks, you know who you are and I’d like to see you argue it.
That same person also left me homeless. Pretty much on the street. Good thing I had a job, and very supportive friends, or I wouldn’t be here to tell this.
So we reach 2017. Yes, it was a nice New Year present having no home. Fabulous in fact. But I got over it. I now have my own place. A one bedroom flat and I have seen my son, not at the moment though. That’s OK, he’s happy and “Daddy One” lives and works away. “Daddy One” sends Christmas and birthday presents and puts money in the bank for when he’s 18. My son is happy and that makes me proud.
We were getting there in 2017. We starting building a new life. Met some solid new friends and made myself a home in a new town out in the country – I’m a city boy. Raised near Liverpool, England and lived in the North West right up until I was 36 before moving south. But I digress, which I do a lot – Autism Rocks.
It was August Bank Holiday when it all changed for me. And my life what a change. I look back on the last 4 months and I can’t believe it. What happened.
I’ll tell you – I came out. I came out as Trans. I’m a woman, not a man. I did NOT see that one coming.
I had a breakdown. An interesting weekend from what I can remember, but one I always have difficulty remembering. I know I was with a friend for some of it but I also know I did something I would have never done before – I had sex with another man. So what you say, maybe you’re Gay. No. I’m not gay. I will not consciously let another man near me while I have the same sexual equipment. Never.
Maybe it was drugs or alcohol – There was enough of it lying round when I woke up. Sure. Except I’ve done drugs before and, apart from cannabis which I started smoking again to relieve stress in 2017, I vowed never to do them again. And I don’t think I had enough cannabis to get THAT smashed.
No, it was a breakdown. I’d had enough and my brain melted, that’s how I ended up with a 10 inch vibrator in my butt and 150 quid on the side that didn’t come from my bank account. As soon as I was on my own it shut down and I can’t account for my actions until I woke up on the day I was supposed to go back to work – At 11am with my boss on the phone. I didn’t get to work. I phoned a doctor. I’d sold my butt for sex but I was as straight as they come.
My friends are going to read this and be shocked. At the very least surprised. As I haven’t told them everything. They don’t know this and it’s not fair for them to find out this way. But I’ve been too embarrassed to tell them. So I’m telling the internet as my way of counselling myseld through it. Hello world, here I come xx
Yes, kisses. Women do that a lot. So do I now. Kisses on the end of everything. I love it. I’ve never felt as free as I do now. I’m on HRT, and that’s put out the fire in my head. I live as a woman, and my life is getting so much more ordered and level – hence this and the Twitter account behind it @vikki_kinsella, look me up and say hi. I don’t bite.
But there’s the haters too. I don’t see the same viewpoint as a lot of the Trans community. I don’t identify with it all. You can call me by previous name if you like, if you know it. Some of my friends do. I want certain surgeries but I might not bother with vocal training or surgery. It’s taken me 45 years to like my voice, it’s not on the list of things I want to change just yet. And you can use use male pronouns to refer to me (calm down everybody). I was a man for 45 years, have some respect for that.
Anyway, it’s 4:30 in the morning. I’m going to bed. I’m up in an hour and a half to do my makeup.
Goodnight and pleasant dreams.