Starting over

Morning gorgeous xx

I hope anyone who reads this is OK and that they are staying safe and well. For those that can’t,or are not, things do change. For wherever its worth, have faith that they do.

Tonight has been pivotal in my transition. It’s not often someone can break through the hard outer shell I’ve built up over the years. It’s not often I will let see someone see inside. It is also not often, and this is a hard thing to admit, that I’ll allow someone to show me the truth. I don’t always want to see it.

But it has to happen sometimes. We all have our own lives, our own realities, feelings, friends, futures and pasts. We all have our ways of doing things, ways of thinking, ways of being.

What matters though is how we portray ourselves and whether that portrayal is true to who we are.

Tonight. I faced the reality that a big part of who I have become and how I portray myself, has been wrong. And it’s not true to who I am. I faced the truth that some things that both I, and other people, are portraying are not what they seem. Not only that, but that those things may, in fact, be hostile when they’re portrayed as friendly.

For me, I faced the fact the are things that I’m doing and saying, that need to change.

When I first went through my transition, I went through it virtually alone. Yes, I had friends who I could talk to, but they said themselves that they couldn’t understand what I was going through. They also didn’t know who I was, only who I was becoming. Now, I’m not alone. I’m around people who can not only see who I’m becoming, but who I was. And those same people understand what I’m going through.

The problem I’ve been presented with tonight, is that they don’t see the two as being too different, and they don’t understand why I’m going through this. And the feedback from people around them has backed that up. They’re saying, with good reason, that I’ve changed on the outside but not on the inside. All I can say is, I have changed on the inside, please trust me on that. But it would appear I haven’t changed on the outside.

In my defence, for what it’s worth, I’m finding it incredibly hard to stabilise some massive changes changes in the face of yet more massive disruption to my life. What I thought I had, what I thought I knew, has gone. Because of that, it doesn’t look like I’ve changed on the outside; as I’m falling back on outdated ways of doing things in order to cope with the disruption. I don’t know any other way.

I was wrong to do that. And it’s proved destructive, not just for me, but those close to me.

I’ve got to change.

Vikki xx

By Vikki Kinsella

My name is Vikki, and I’m a Transgender Female living and working in the UK.

I’ve started this blog purely as a way of writing down my thoughts and feelings, as I now start my journey through transition from living life as Male to becoming Female, and beyond. You see, I spent 45 years of my life living as, what is now known as, a cisgender Male - With almost no idea that I could even consider being Female, let alone consider corrective surgery. But I must admit I did have a tendency to THINK like a woman sometimes... But doesn't every Man think like a woman on occasion? Don't try and hide it boys, you know you do, lol...

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