Letting go…

Morning gorgeous xx

Hope you’re all staying safe, well and indoors during this viral outbreak of epic proportions. And those that can’t, that the world needs to fight this, I salute you. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you all for your hard work in the face of this virulent, deadly, threat against humanity and our society.

Now. I’m gonna keep this post short and to the point – Because that’s how this post needs to be written. There is no other way of me writing this, not this deep inside my head. This, directness, should also give you some indication (for those that know me) of how important this issue is to me – This is cutting the tree down at its roots.

Let me ask you a question? What is reality? What do you understand it to be? Don’t think too long about that one, I’m not here to discuss Einstein’s General Theory of Relativity, I could… But I just can’t be arsed, simple. But I need you to get that concept in your mind. Because my next sentence has me called crazy. But it’s simple – Reality is different for everyone. Stop. Don’t think. Listen. Yes it is.

You see, your reality and my reality are different in part; not because of the physical world around us, what we see, feel, taste, smell and hear. But because of how we perceive it. How we process, store and use that sensory information to construct an image of the world around us.

And how we act, on what we know.

The important part is the last part, and why it’s separate from the rest. Because our actions ultimately dictate how our reality changes over time. What we do, has a direct impact on how we think.

OK, why the philosophy lesson at five o’clock in the morning? I’ll tell you. It’s simple. My reality changed last night. A very core and integral part of how I perceive reality was removed, permanently. There is no going back from this. This is permanent proof for anyone who’s known me, for any length of time, that I’ve changed.

And it’s a simple one. I fell out with someone last night who I never, ever, ever, ever, EVER, thought I’d fall out with. And I cannot undo what was done. And I cannot let them go back on what was said. They can’t take these words back. Because that person, and their family, have been at the core of my thinking for nearly thirty years. And they are one of the few people who I thought would never hurt me. And they did.

There’s no going back – Not if I want to keep it real.

This is what transition is all about. Facing your reality, changing your perception of it, and dealing the mess that’s left behind when you do. How many people out there can tell me that’s not the hardest thing they’ve ever had to do? If they’ve ever had to do it all…

Answers, as always, on a postcard.

Much love,

Vikki xx

By Vikki Kinsella

My name is Vikki, and I’m a Transgender Female living and working in the UK.

I’ve started this blog purely as a way of writing down my thoughts and feelings, as I now start my journey through transition from living life as Male to becoming Female, and beyond. You see, I spent 45 years of my life living as, what is now known as, a cisgender Male - With almost no idea that I could even consider being Female, let alone consider corrective surgery. But I must admit I did have a tendency to THINK like a woman sometimes... But doesn't every Man think like a woman on occasion? Don't try and hide it boys, you know you do, lol...

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