Hi all, and welcome to my Blog. My name is Vikki, and I’m a Transgender Female living and working in the UK.
I’ve started this blog purely as a way of writing down my thoughts and feelings, as I now start my journey through transition from living life as Male to becoming Female, and beyond. You see, I spent 45 years of my life living as, what is now known as, a cisgender Male – With almost no idea that I could even consider being Female, let alone consider corrective surgery. But I must admit I did have a tendency to THINK like a woman sometimes… But doesn’t every Man think like a woman on occasion? Don’t try and hide it boys, you know you do, lol.
Look, essentially, as humans, we all start off as Female. Chromosomally, the human species is Heterogametic, with respect to sex determination. The Y chromosome being the dominant one, as we all know, and containing the sry gene that eventually does all the jiggery pokery – Females are Homogenous in that respect by having no dominant Y – two X’s. The result of this is that, if the sry gene takes precedence (and we don’t yet know why), a Male birth is produced; complete with fully formed Testicles and a Penis. No sry gene precedence? Female birth, Vagina, Uterus, Fallopian Tubes and Ovaries. To give another example, and this is how I discovered this, is the subject of Birds. Birdlife, have a Female Dominant Heterogametry; and use Z and W for the sex chromosomes, (ZW is Female, ZZ is male). Transfer that out into the live society and is it REALLY the rooster that rules the roost? Look at the facts, I think not. There’s a lot more to it than that but, before you start asking too many questions, a lot of it is beyond the scope of what I’m trying to say here; just trust me guys, this is true.
So! Fella’s! You think like a woman sometimes, I’m not going to let you deny it – I know because if you pan the base thinking above out, across the course of human development and life; you’ll realise anything can happen – And it usually does. There isn’t anything wrong with trying on that dress when your wife asks you to because she wants to see what you look like in it. It’s humour, it doesn’t make you Gay or Trans. In fact, contrary to popular thinking and social conditioning, it’s actually quite normal. Certainly I never thought I was anything other than a cisgender male, any other concept never entered my head. However, I will admit, I did have problems in thinking I might have been Homosexual sometimes; due to things I won’t talk about here. But I could always put those to bed, literally, Lol.
I did speak extremely frankly to a Gay friend of mine one time, in Brighton, 2003 and he said to me – In no uncertain terms – “You’re not Gay. Deal with it”, so I did…
Guys, there’s nothing wrong with talking to a gay guy – They know, and they’ll know if you’re not. Just don’t go to one who’s openly into you, they’re bias…
Changing the subject, I’ve had 4 major relationships in my life. One produced a son, who’s now seven years old and doing very with his mum and step-dad (I wish them every success, just keep me informed of his progress; that’s all I ask). Of the others, I have three step-daughters. All of whom have turned out into well-rounded, stable, people and I’m proud of them all. All of those relationships meant a lot to me and I wouldn’t go back and change anything about them for the world. I still love those women, just in a very different way. I consider them some of my best friends – And I’m still in touch with one or two of them, even as recently as yesterday, in fact.
Now you’ve got that in your head, lets go back to the beginning (And there’s some duplication between this and the “My Story” page, but’s a necessary evil) – I come from a large family and was born near Liverpool back in 1972. My Family still live, in the main, in Widnes in Cheshire. I was brought up as the middle child of three by my mum, in Runcorn, just over the water. (Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps? Yeah, you know it. If not, look it up). My mum had five children, three girls and two boys. Both of the boys had issues; my brother has been diagnosed schizophrenic, but I haven’t spoken to him in a very long time. Of the girls, the eldest remained with my Maternal Grandmother and she has a very unique position in my life – She’s my auntie and my sister rolled into one. And there’s not many people I’m scared of but she tops the list! Lol – Love you sis ❤ …
Of my younger sisters, the very youngest was adopted out and grew up in a very different way to us. She’s turned out to be a lovely person and we’re back in touch with her. She has her own family, her own life but we’re here if she ever needs us and we keep in touch. Another member of my close family is my younger sister. She was brought up with us, has turned out very well and is very happy. She is married, to her first love, and has two wonderful children with him. She’s a pain the butt sometimes but aren’t we all to our siblings (Love you too sis <3) …
I have a step-sister too, who I’m very close to and always have been. Issues within the immediate family kept us apart for a very long time and caused a rift, mostly on my side as it turns out. But now we’ve put those issues behind us and are close again I feel like a part of my whole has been put back – She was the first person to ever turn around and say to me that I’d look better as a girl, how good is that (I was 15!). She’s one of the toughest, yet most warm-hearted people I know (And I know a few!) and, like all my sisters, I love her dearly.
My extended family comprises six uncles (one who passed away when I was very young), two sets of Grandparents (all now, sadly, deceased) and many aunties, uncles and cousins. Some blood relations, others not but have been there, in my life, for that long they may as well be. As with all my family, I love them all very dearly; even though my Autism would make you wonder sometimes, lol.
Myself, I’m Autistic, diagnosed in 2016. And that, strangely, means I’m a very creative individual but with very fixed and focussed interests – For example, I love Music, as you’ll find out, and anything creative that can be done with a computer; which is the job I have done since leaving school 30 years ago. I also like cars, cooking and being a social butterfly…
I live alone and I’m happy that way at the moment – No plans to change that anytime soon. I have had close, sexual relationships with both men & women, and I wouldn’t change any of them. Ex’s are your ex’s for a reason, but all have had an influence on my life and helped me become the person I am today. I have a son, who lives his mum down in East Anglia and she’s been put through a lot, at my hands, in the last few years. She could have walked away and kept me away from him, but she didn’t.
She’s kept a distance, and I haven’t seen my son since I began my transition, but ultimately you only know what the right thing to do is once you have the benefit of hindsight. And I think she’s done the right thing so far, even though I haven’t always been able to say that.
I do have a relationship with him, I speak to him on the phone once a week and he’s just the most amazing little man. He’s nearly seven years old as I write this, has the voice of an angel and the intellectual capability of Einstein. I know I have bias, but I consider myself a good judge of intellectual and creative capability, and he has something special. Of that I am sure
So my mission is this. Write what I feel about what is happening to me. Write it all down, get it out and let the world know what’s happening – Tell people how you feel, using the tools that I have at my disposal. Maybe, just maybe, someone else can take some comfort in knowing that they’re not alone out there. That my story strikes a chord somewhere and prevents someone else from losing 40-plus years living their life as if they were someone else.
I think it’s going to be a good thing to do this and I’m enjoying it so far – I mean, damn, I started in January 2018 and I’m only fleshing this part out now! (Feb 2020 – I’ve been that busy, lol). Anyway, my friends say they like it, and they enjoy reading it, and I hope you will like it and enjoy reading it too. Maybe I’ll write a book once there’s enough of it down? Who knows…
Much Love,
Vikki xx
Feeling Trans 