Running from your self…

Morning gorgeous xx

Do you know what it’s like to run from yourself? I wonder if most people do? It’s a scary experience, I can tell you…

This post is borne out of a dream I just had. A dream that’s allowed me to explain it to myself. Because I know what it’s like to run from yourself. To be so scared of confronting fear – fear that’s deep inside you and comes back to haunt you at every turn.

Or to find yourself exposed and alone. Looking for somewhere to hide, knowing the fear will find you soon if you don’t. Out there and alone. Searching for any nook and cranny that’s big enough to crawl into just so you can breathe…

But you can’t sleep, you cant rest. You have to keep moving. Constantly on the run. The voices telling you to stop, to rest, to sleep. At least that way you’ll feel better and be able to think. But you can’t. Because you can see the fear, you know it’s there and it’s going to find you. And what will happen when it does…

That’s what my dream reminded me of.

My dream was about me running from a predator in an apache gunship helicopter and they were picking people off like a crazy gunman in America (bad analogy but you know what I mean, hopefully). They kept landing and searching on foot with an AK47. Then they’d get back in the helicopter and shooting from afar. I was part of a team of people they were searching for, but they’d kill indiscriminately if anyone got in the way. I had to find places to hide, even if only for a few moments. Just to give me time to breathe, but not long enough to rest. And then continue running, exhausted but unable to give up. Got to escape. Got to try…

That dream reminded me of a time in my life when things were that bad. Constantly on the run, nowhere safe to hide (or so I thought), constantly having to have your wits about about you because the fear that’s gripping you is intolerable. Scared you’re going to lose it, but wondering if you’ve already lost it because of the reactions of people around you.

It’s a scary place being that exposed and alone. It changes you. You’re never the same again.

What’s worse, is I wonder if had that dream because I’m scared of going back there again – scared of that all encompassing fear gripping you like being underwater wrapped in a blanket. It’s a real possibility at the moment and I definitely feel like I’m being chased, or being forced to fight something that maybe doesn’t exist. I don’t know. But I want it to stop. It has to go away – I can’t go through that again.

And yet, I’ve just thought of something – and this is a change, because this wouldn’t have occurred to me last time – I was in a large amount of debt last time, and I am this time. That woman left me in a massive amount of debt in January 2017. Just like I was in January 2001 – and I know some people reading this will remember me back then…

Time to get up folks. I got a plane to shoot down…

Much love,

Vikki xx

By Vikki Kinsella

My name is Vikki, and I’m a Transgender Female living and working in the UK.

I’ve started this blog purely as a way of writing down my thoughts and feelings, as I now start my journey through transition from living life as Male to becoming Female, and beyond. You see, I spent 45 years of my life living as, what is now known as, a cisgender Male - With almost no idea that I could even consider being Female, let alone consider corrective surgery. But I must admit I did have a tendency to THINK like a woman sometimes... But doesn't every Man think like a woman on occasion? Don't try and hide it boys, you know you do, lol...

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