Morning Gorgeous xx
Well is it morning? Lets be honest, it’s 02:14am and I’ve just woke up – this is not good. Dysphoria is rife today and it’s been getting worse over the last few days, but the stress level is rising massively too. Unfortunately for me, the two go hand in hand – the more stress, the greater the Dysphoria; and currently I’m under a lot of stress.
Some people will shout at me when they read this, some will want to help, others will offer a shoulder to cry on and others will silently worry. In reality though, there isn’t much anyone can do to help, I have to do this myself – Transitioning is a very personal experience; but in a very public setting.
If you’ve read all my posts (and some of them are quite long), you’ll have the background information, you’ll know what’s going on. Some of the issues you will think; “just hang on in there, you’ll be fine soon”, others will take a bit longer to resolve. But the pressure is on. It’s easy to say JFDI (Just Fecking Do It) but when your inner confidence, and confidence in your abilities, is low; you just don’t know if you’re going to make it through.
I have good people around me who will scream at me tomorrow for writing this, because I didn’t tell them. But I don’t want to bore them every single day with the same old stuff – I’ve done that to people before and lost friend because of it. I don’t want to seem like a walking manic depressive, which I probably am, but come on. I at least want to walk around with a smile on my face one day out of seven. Is that too much to ask?
The reason I’m felling like this is because I’ve lost my job security – The one thing I fought so hard for last year, the straw that broke the camels back. It’s gone. I’m on a Final Written Warning and Performance Improvement Plan which, if I can’t stick to over the next eight weeks, means I’m out – And the absolute last thing I need right now is to be out of work.
They’re not asking a lot if you know what you’re looking at and you know what to do with it. But that’s my problem, I don’t know what I’m looking at and I only half know what to do with it. I was pulled in because of my technical skills, but I opted for the wrong job and this job doesn’t require those skills – so I’m at a loss. I’ve found it extremely difficult to put a lifetime of knowledge aside and start again – I’ve also found it extremely difficult to explain that to people. In the main, I can do the job and my Boss knows it but I don’t have the knowledge. I’m like London Cabbie who hasn’t passed the test, I can get from A to B, it just takes me a lot longer to get there. And that’s the problem; because it takes so long to get there, I waste so much time I end up losing the time to learn what I need, or make sure I’m hitting my targets.
It’s difficult and ultimately it’s down to how I see this progressing. And this is hard for me to say, but do I see this as a brave new career and grab it with both hands, running screaming into a new and different world. Or do I let it go and focus 100% of my effort into finding a job that I know I can do well?
Whatever decision I come to, it’s going to affect my transition. The reason being; the two at the moment appear to be inextricably linked – If I hadn’t have taken the job, the stress level wouldn’t have been high enough to have kicked off the Transition (or would it?). It’s just impossible to say and there’s so many parts of me that just want to roll it all back to the ways things were – It’s like I’m constantly fighting with myself only this time I’m fighting for the other team, a double agent; so to speak.
And that’s Dysphoria, you don’t know which side you’re on, you just know you have to win – somehow.
Much Love,
Vikki xx
Feeling Trans 