As the title says, “Morning Gorgeous 😘 xx”. How are you all doing today? All good I hope? Life is treating you well? Hope so.
Anyway, I’m putting this post up as I need a bit of a kick up the backside, and something tells me that I’m about to get one.
You see, as I go through all of this; I’m learning a lot about myself and how other people see me. I’m also learning a lot about people in general. Almost like a kind of awakening. Growing up, so to speak. And I suppose that’s what is happening – I’m going through puberty for a second time. Hormonally, I’m a teenager all over again and the change in hormones has affected my mental state in some very strange ways – some good, some bad.
You see, I feel a shed load better about myself. I don’t have this burning desire to mount everything that moves and make babies with it but I see a sexual attraction in both men and women, and I appreciate that now. If someone looks attractive to me, I like to compliment them on it and I’m not afraid to do so anymore – but that’s all it is, there’s nothing behind it.
I don’t feel any raging anger in my head and I’m learning to deal with the root causes of some of that anger, as you can see from some of my recent posts. Yet that anger was so great at times that it immobilized me, and I’m still procrastinating – I’ll think nothing of spending 4 hours on the Xbox (do you know how long it took me to get out of that habit!).
But I’ve realised a few things as well. And I’m working on ways of dealing with them. Like self organisation, planning and motivation – all things I used to lack; I now want to learn.
I’m more confident, that’s a massive change. Confident in myself and because of that; I’m realising that I have more ability than I thought I had (maybe I am the genius people keep telling me I am after all 😂). I’m definitely more articulate than I thought I was as I wouldn’t be able to write this blog if I wasn’t.
So it’s things like that running through my head and finally changing the way I think. Which is something I’ve needed to do for a very long time.
The effects are far reaching though. I was texting my sister about something last night and I immediately realised I was being a dickhead (language Dorothy!) about it. I couldn’t call her to tell her but she soon got the message and called me up. First thing I said to her was that I was being an idiot, and I knew I was but I didn’t stop myself from typing it – I should have done. I know that previously I wouldn’t have even seen that I was stupid about it, I’d have just carried on and that’s quite a big change for me.
Ultimately, the changes that are taking place are positive, and are giving me focus. It’s just noting where that beam is being focussed and learning to control it. Anyone who is up for the challenge of helping me do that is quite welcome to do so. Because once I do that, the sky really should be the limit…
Much love,
Vikki xx
Feeling Trans 