Morning gorgeous xx
How are you all today? Good I hope. Well this is another ‘Middle of the Night’ post. That seems that be the time of night when my emotions are heightened – For whatever reason that may be.
Tonight is no exception. Tonight I have done something I’d been meaning to do for a long time. Something I’d been advised to do; in order to understand myself a whole lot better – See something for myselfx for the first time…
On quite a few occasions I’ve been advised to watch a certain film. One which will either ring so true; it’s a revelation, or ring so false, I’d know the truth about who I am. What was it I was asked to do? You ask. Well I was told to watch “The Dutch Girl”. The story of one of the first Trans Women to ever undergo Gender Confirmation Surgery – The Sex Change operation, to put it in broader terms. Well, lets be honest about this; if there’s any doubt in my mind as to whether I’m Trans or not, whether I should be a woman or not, this film was going to bring it out.
And it didn’t. Thank you.
Alright. I’ll let you in on a little secret, I’ve been having some doubts. Come on, you can’t say that it doesn’t stand to reason I’d have doubts with a Transition that happened so explosively, can you? Especially with my history? Seriously, I just didn’t want to tell anyone. Not yet. I want to be a girl, always wanted to be a girl, but I wasn’t ready to be a girl. If that makes sense. So I’ll be straight about it – I didn’t want to come out emotionally as a girl, to the world, until I was sure; 100% that I was one.
I’ve transitioned in a lot of areas of my life, Work, Family, etc. As I knew it was the right choice. I’d transitioned personally; and am now living as a girl, I’d transitioned externally, and dress as a woman, but what I’d failed to do was to show vulnerability, as a girl. To actually let anyone see me, emotionally, how I really feel. How hard it can be to follow this path, and show who you really are; when you’d worked so hard to go in the opposite direction, is insane. You try and hold on to who you once we’re, and you find it very difficult to let go. It’s the familiar shell, the person you’ve always been. The old, well worn, sweater. But when you’re faced with the inevitable – you, yourself, staring back at you in the mirror – you need to be ready for it. Because it’s bloody hard to do.
I knew that if I watched that film; becoming emotionally vulnerable is exactly what would happen. Because, if I was right, then I would relate to the film in every possible way, I’d understand it (and me) perfectly and I was scared of that. But that is; exactly, what happened, I related to everything about that film. I had bit of help to do it – I was scared. Scared of seeing myself, scared of realising who and what I am, and scared, strangely, of not being alone. Strange? – So I took a little something to chill me out a bit (obtained in a way which was going to leave me extremely vulnerable) and then sat down to watch the film, later my best friend (who may not be after this) was calling over to retrieve said something as it was hers. I’m not going into detail, but I should have told her what I was doing, and I didn’t, and to her, directly, I apologise for that.
But look, as I said, the film is about Lili Elbe, the first person to complete a medical transition from Male to Female – Complete with Ovaries & Uterus. It details her changes as she transitions from a man to a woman. It details her relationships and how they change as she moves through her transition. And it also dramatises that journey in a way which is designed to provoke an emotional response – the one thing I was scared of! But I did it though, and I did my research afterwards; so I had the real story behind the film (as best I could) – facts are all important here.
I do need to stress (if anyone has seen the film, or intends watching it), that although it is, in fact, medically possible – If the patient is prepared to take immunosuppressants for the rest of her life – To transplant a functioning Womb and Ovaries into another woman, it’s not really ethically possible. I mean, no matter how much you want it, no matter how much you want to be a complete woman (as you see it), it’s never going to happen because can you really imagine what would happen as a result? Society as a whole just isn’t ready yet for anyone to take that final step…
And then it hit me.
That’s a very similar attitude to a woman who has had her uterus removed, after hysterectomy for example. That’s how they feel after the surgery, until they learn to cope with the change and become the woman they really should be; again – I’ve seen it with my mum, she went through all of that. But now I understand, and now I understand why her going through that; hit me so hard.
I am a woman, and I feel the same way; as any woman should do.
Well then I took the pair out of my handbag; and I got up, and I looked in the mirror. And a saw a woman staring back at me for the first time. No, I mean really – When I looked, I saw a woman in the mirror. And liked who I saw, I liked the woman in the mirror, I liked (and saw) Vikki, I liked (and saw) me.
Now I thought about this part before I posted it. And I think I’m right to post it as I need to balance the scales a bit. But this entire event has quite a revelation to me, enlightening in fact – Yeah it has all been about me again, and I should apologise for that, it’s self-centred. A bit like how I’ve been recently in the rest of my life, selfish, without realising it. So I’m going to self efface with all of this because I don’t want any negative, or positive, statements. In fact, I don’t want a reaction from anyone at all. So please, don’t give me one; unless you really think I deserve it and you’ve thought about it first, then fine, otherwise just don’t do it, please.
The reason for this is that there are people out there who will say that I shouldn’t self efface, that I’ve not been selfish recently, I’m a nice person. But there also people who think I should and that I should apologise for being selfish, whatever their reason (I suspect some of my friends probably feel the same right now). The thing is though, we’re all human. we’re all correct in our opinions, as human beings and we are all entitled to our opinion, as human beings. There’s nothing wrong with that. What you need to know though, is that I do hear every word everyone of you says and I try to take it on board; which makes me emotionally vulnerable, without realising it. But doesn’t all of this make me right, with regards to myself? I can’t be wrong when it comes to myself; can I? No. Surely not. I am human after all – just the same as you.
Well obviously I am, or I wouldn’t have done what I did.
Thing is though, this is all a learning process for me and when we learn best we open ourselves up to new ideas and new information. But that can also leave us vulnerable; as those ideas and / or the new information may not fit our criteria that we, as a person, want ourselves to stand up to (whether we know it or not). And vulnerability is a weakness isn’t it?
Well actually no and this is clearly where I’ve been going wrong. As a female; vulnerability should be seen as a strength, not a weakness. Because it is seen as a sign of femininity. What a strong woman needs to know; is when and when not, to show that vulnerability and what to do to get out of the situation they’re in, if they feel they’re being misused because of it. What I have managed to figure out is that to a woman, feeling & intuition are much more important than raw strength. If you know what’s coming, you can deal with it before it hurts you…
So I lay myself bare for all to see. Judge me as you will because I know I’ve upset a long time friend by doing something selfish in order to try and deal with my own issues. The flip side of that though, is that I can see things a little more clearly. And I am happy with what I can see because I can be happy for me – For once in my life. (although I’m still as confused as shit about the whole deal and it’s going to take some time to work that out)
But I’m sorry for what I did, I am. However, without doing it; I don’t think I’d have learnt as much as I did or be able to see what I can see. Time to grow up into the woman Vikki should always have been…