Morning Gorgeous xx
How is everyone today? Are we all having fun? I hope so. As usual, well done for those who’s life is going in the right direction, be it from either luck or good judgement. And my thoughts are with you for those who’s life is not quite heading where they would like it to be. I pray that your direction changes soon…
As you’re probably aware, some of my posts can look like pointless rants and don’t seem to follow any kind of pattern, and others have a distinct issue that they are raising & can be quite, direct, in their approach. I should say, that’s just me – I’ve never really been one to follow the crowd, or go with the flow. And there’s a lot of work colleagues & previous managers of mine out there that will agree with me. But I digress…
Today’s post, I will hope, crosses the boundary in between the two. As I’m only this far into it and I feel like it’s not going to follow any kind of pattern and will seem pointless, but. There is actually a distinct issue that I’m trying to raise and deal with, in as direct a manner as I can.
Take a look at the picture below:
Both of the people in the picture above are the same person, me, two and a half years apart. Now the funny part about this; is that my own brother and several of my friends from when I was younger, don’t recognise me. At all. I know this because, since returning home, as the person on the right, I’ve stood right next to them in the street and they didn’t even give me a second look.
Now I’ve done a great deal with regard to my transition in a relatively short space of time. My mental state and outlook on life has changed, my physical appearance has changed, my demeanour has changed, my language is changing (less profanity, thank god), my hormonal balance has changed and my personal situation has changed. My life three years ago was completely different to what is it is now. Except one thing, my job.
Thing is, I’m still trying to do the same job that I’ve always done – I’m still looking for technical IT roles and work related to that. I’m still trying to sit at a desk, or walk around an office, under the direction of people who I feel don’t have half of the experience I do, fixing everyone else’s problems. And I’m tired of it. I can’t do it anymore. I don’t WANT to do it anymore.
Now I’ve just upset a few people with that statement – Both previous technical and managerial colleagues. But before you open your mouth… Bite me. Bring it on. You’ve got 30 seconds to say your piece before I open my mouth and it’s your turn to listen. And this time you will listen. For I’m fed up of trying to say something, finding myself stuck because I need to pause for thought or breath and then being interrupted. I think there’s some good stuff in my head and it’s about time some of it came out. Every dog has their day, when do I get mine?
Strong words, I hear you say? But they’re borne out of a great deal of situations where I’ve known what the best way to do something is but because it doesn’t fit with other people’s ideas, perceptions, or rules, or I’ve had difficulty communicating and it’s been ignored. Or worse, I’ve people actively pushing against me to the point where it has had a detrimental and / or catastrophic effect on me & my situation. I won’t reveal the details but I can picture, in my mind, several people who, upon reading this, will have something to say about what I’ve just said, given the opportunity.
So I’ll balance the books a bit, I can see how this post would look to someone with no knowledge of me or the situation. I can also see how this post would look to someone who has observed, but not been a part of, an incident that would fit the criteria mentioned above – My humblest apologies to you all, but I stand by what I’ve said.
I know there are people who will read this and who will ask me if I realise what I’ve said, or did think about this post before I wrote it. And those same people will point out changes that should be made to make its outlook, and language, more “appropriate” and less damaging to my, or others, personal reputation. But I won’t change it, not a word. For that is at risk I’m prepared to take.
And here’s the point mentioned in the beginning. You can’t re-Invent without having the ability to transform, and transform something without effecting change, and you can’t change something without taking a risk. And anybody who knows me will tell you, that the statement I’ve just made is my typical thought process laid bare. That’s how I work. I’ll see something that needs to change and I’ll work out a way of changing it. I’ve not always been given the opportunity to change it, see above, but I’ve always been able to the problem and a solution. Anyone like to bite back on that? 10 seconds, go.
People who are connected to me on social media will have seen some changes that will have confused them. Raising questions as to why certain information is available and what direction am I going in. Questions such as, “Does she really think she can do that?” and, “She got no experience of that, that impossible”. But I’ll ask them all, especially those that knew me before I transitioned; “If I’d have said that I was intending on going through Male to Female Transition, and that I was intending on Gender Reassignment Surgery. Would you have believed me?” I can guess what answers would have come from whom.
So, I ask you, look back at the picture that I posted earlier. Go on, scroll up, have a mooch… Got it? Good. Now, I’ll ask you again, do you see one person or two?…
Change is coming.
Much Love,
Vikki xx
Feeling Trans 