Update – 18/7/20

Morning Gorgeous xx

How are you all today my lovelies? I hope the current pandemic hasn’t taken too much of a toll on you. I hope you all have been able to adjust to a new normal, been able to withstand (as best you can) the tumultuous effects of recent times and there is still a future for you and your family; however bad it may seem to be at this moment. For those who’s futures are about to change, I do wish you the very best of luck and, if the change is negative, I pray that it not be a permanent one. Anyway, onto todays post…

There comes a time in your life when you chosen path, crosses your destined path and you’re not sure which one to take. Do you carry on as you are, blindly doing what you feel you need to do in order to get what you want? Or do you change direction, follow your heart and invest your time in what you feel you have to do, what you feel your duty is to do?

The answer? Well that’s a tough one.

You see, you can reach this crossroads many times in your life. You’ll be in different situations, you feel different things, you’ll have different levels of understanding. And therefore, you’ll make different choices. There’s no hard and fast rules on how which direction you should take at any given moment, only those rules that exist to guide you at the given time. Which, paradoxically, are different for everyone.

Now you’re probably thinking, “What is she on about? She’s not making a lot of sense tonight…”, and you’d be right, I’m probably not. But I’m at one of those crossroads. And I have to make a decision on what is best for me. The only problem is; the rules governing the choice I need to make, are absolute hell on earth. And I wish I wasn’t subject to them, but I am.

What do I mean? Well let me explain the situation and maybe it’ll become clear…

About nine months ago, I went through some enforced changes which had an, ultimately, catastrophic effect on my life. The changes were enforced upon me because I wasn’t concentrating on what was going on around me. I was too wrapped up in trying to play big girls games in a little girls world. I thought I was over the worst of what needed to be done and I could go ahead make what I wanted to of my life.

Well, the truth is, I was wrong. And it all fell apart. I’ve managed to keep most of the material items that I had, bar a few notable exceptions. But the spiritual aspects of that life; my friends, my job, the people I knew and cared about, are all but gone. I’m not who they thought I was, and I’m not who I thought I was either.

So there have been some massive changes. I’ve moved back to my home town; something I never thought I’d do. I’m pretty much back under the mental health teams here, not an appropriate thing to do when you need to be free of them to complete your transition. I’m alone, I have a few friends left but none local to me. I’m hoping my family will speak to me again but because of the strain of what’s happened, that is not likely. And did I say I’m alone?…

I made some mistakes before I came home and fell out with people I cared about because of them. Decisions were made and events took place which cannot be undone. And ultimately led to the loss of my home. I became extremely scared because threats were made against me and there were bouts of violence in which I was involved. My car was damaged and was written off; twice and my laptop and personal information were stolen in broad daylight.

There were some good things that happened, and I met some good people, but it wasn’t enough to stop me going under.

Once it was clear that I would be losing my home, a friend stepped in to help and offered me a place to stay back in my home town. Which I accepted. But in order to come back, I had to deal with very old and large demons that were hiding in the closet. Contact was made and everything looked rosy… At first…

Once home, it soon became clear things were not what they seemed. And about two months in events took place that should never have happened – Leading to me taking an overdose. That was things started to change again. I wasn’t believed that I’d taken the overdose, I was called a liar. Other things that had happened came to surface and lies were told about them too. I was branded and there was nothing I could do about it.

Stern words were had in order to “bring me into line” with someone else’s way of thinking. A conversation was had which became very surreal and it will be a long time before I fully understand it. I was told I couldn’t have my life back and I had to pander to the whims of their people. I felt like a second class citizen in my home town. My parents have gone, In trying to resolve the issues from the past I had pushed my family away and I was left in a world of deceit and lies. None of which I was telling but they were all about me and the people I thought were trying to help me.

So I realised that I had to do something about it. I pushed for my own roof over my head – a front door to call my own, a safe space. But the lies kept on coming in. I was trapped. With no end in sight.

I tried to resolve some of the issues and put myself into extreme poverty to do so, to me that was the right thing to do. I had to pay back a debt before I could move on, or it would haunt me forever more. But the more I tried to resolve an issue, the greater the lies became and the darker and more worthless my life felt. What could I do?

I had to find out where these lies were coming from. So, once I had secured my own place, I hatched a plan to discover what was going on.

It worked perfectly – The truth, as much as I would be allowed to know, came out. In venomous fashion. And nearly destroyed me. But I took the pain. I had to. I called the police as personal items that were important to me were no longer in my possession but all that happened was that another part of the plan was highlighted and I was left with some egg on my face. I wiped it off and, because I kept to the style of amicably trying to resolve the issue. It has been down played, thankfully.

I had curtailed the venom from my nemesis but I had been left at this crossroads in my future. The path I had been working to create for myself has been destroyed, and the path of my destiny does not appeal. If I follow it, it will not be a pretty start and frought with pitfalls and potholes. What do I do? What choice do I make. Do I even have a choice?

As I sit here tonight, I feel like I have no value. Like I have nothing left to give this world and there is little reason for my existence. But I am alive. And I have a few friends and I just about have my son. The question remains, can I rebuild something new and better out of what I see before me? The venomous nemesis is still lurking in the shadows but I hope there is a shield in the form of the police.

The friends I thought I had are gone and I don’t know if I’ll ever make new ones here – I don’t know if I want to. I’m single, I do not have an intimate relationship of any kind and yet, I crave one. I crave one so bad it hurts. I crave one to the point of repelling every possibility that comes my way…

Will I make it through? I don’t know. Will I at least try?… Yes. I have to.

Much love,

Vikki xx

By Vikki Kinsella

My name is Vikki, and I’m a Transgender Female living and working in the UK.

I’ve started this blog purely as a way of writing down my thoughts and feelings, as I now start my journey through transition from living life as Male to becoming Female, and beyond. You see, I spent 45 years of my life living as, what is now known as, a cisgender Male - With almost no idea that I could even consider being Female, let alone consider corrective surgery. But I must admit I did have a tendency to THINK like a woman sometimes... But doesn't every Man think like a woman on occasion? Don't try and hide it boys, you know you do, lol...

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