Categories
Public

Finding home within yourself…

Morning gorgeous ❤️ xx

How are you out there? All good I hope. Thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings over the first part of my transition. It has been an honour to gather your feedback along the way, and all the advice that has been given, has been extremely helpful.

Writing this has helped me deal with all the issues I faced after making such a life-changing decision and the response from you all, as readers, has been overwhelmingly positive. I’ve done most of my transition, so far, almost alone – There were a few who have been by my side along the way, and I cannot thank them enough for the help they’ve given to me (I say that without any prejudice as there are those who may think differently).

But I digress. Lockdown has caused us all to suffer in some way; be it in the loss of a loved one due to the virus, life changing events due to the response to an existential threat or, as in my case, relief from the drudgery of a way of life that was holding you back?…

Now I pose that as a question simply because I want you to think about that as you read this post – I live a lot of my life online. And the online world has lit up like a Christmas Tree, in recent times. The big reason behind this; is that in order to communicate and continue to exist, the world has had to rely on online communication in a way never before seen. And living an already connected lifestyle, this boom in communication pretty much blew up in my face.

“What has this got to to do with FeelingTrans then?”, I hear you ask – As my mother would say “Sit down, Shut up, Pin your lug’oles back, and I’ll tell you”…


I’ll skip the details, BTW…

2019 didn’t get off to a good start for me. The proverbial “Sh*t”, hit the fan in February of that year. I’ll be honest; I was still grieving the loss of my parents, trying to deal with the damage to my fingers, hormone levels were OK but I was still in the early stages of puberty, as far as my endocrine system was concerned. My mental adjustments were also in their early stages, and I hadn’t achieved the mental “Balance” I have today – More on that, later.

Mid 2019 was OK. Nothing to write home about. There were issues building in that time but they didn’t affect my daily life in the ways they will do later. September 2029 is when it all started.. When it all just went to, what was that word? Sh.. … Yeah, that one.

Lost my job, again. Had an argument over payment. Went to a Sharmain and discovered my spiritual self; very enlightening & thank you Daniel. Fell out with a friend, never been more sorry in my life there; but a lesson learnt… Notice on my flat given (not a subject I will be discussing further). The move back home to the North West…

Oh, that’s an event I need to cover in more detail in another post. In short, the story involves old friends falling by the wayside, some in spectacular fashion, to clear the way for a better future – This led to a major shake up in my life at that time, because I finally realised I was alone in this world. If I was going to get anywhere in life, then I must be the one in the driving seat.

It is true, now I am. Very much in control as I am now very adept at driving this vessel I call a body and navigating the mine-field, that I call a life. Yet again, I digress. Anyone sensing a theme here? ❤️ Yes. Ultimately, I landed my own place and the powers that be began to listen. The reality of it is, the space left in my brain, after getting rid of the toxicity from my past, was enough for me to begin to rebuild anew. And the powers that be gave me all the tools I needed to do it. It was almost fate. As was meeting my now ex-partner, Phil.

Phil was a nice enough man, I can’t thank him enough for all the care he took of me in January; when I was effectively doing might shifts. But, like any young teenager in love for the first time, I fell for him. Hard. He really was the most gentle man I’ve ever met. And the relationship grew VERY rapidly, as he made it clear from the start that any sexual relationship was likely to fade away due to medical reasons. I accepted that and we had a great deal of fun in the beginning. He made me feel exactly how I wanted to feel.

He was single, living alone during lockdown, working and happy with his life. He was looking for a Trans Woman but wanted someone who could be accepted easily into a friendship group that would reject someone out of hand if they weren’t right for him. I was happy with that. I don’t get misgendered often and when I do, it’s easily corrected. His friends took to me very easily. More so later in the year.

Phil calmed me down. He gave me an experience I don’t think I’ll ever repeat – He accepted me, for me, and welcomed, in fact encouraged, my blossiming into an Adult Woman. He will always be the one that got away, but I wouldn’t have him back.

He changed my life in ways I could have never imagined before him. His presence, i thought, completed me and made me whole. I thought, incorrectly, that him taking a masculine role would balance me as a woman. And that would make me more acceptable in a non-Trans world. Yeah, I was an idiot, wasn’t I. Successful Relationship Advice, 101. Know thyself, before thy know ye partner – Simply put. Never lose yourself in a relationship, because you’ll never find all the pieces of your broken heart.

Wise words. Trust me.

While he was with me, Phil encouraged me to flow my dreams. To accept that my former life has gone and to make use of the good stuff, lose the bad and have a damned good idea of the difference between the two.

Have you noticed I’m starting to talk in riddles?… Yeah, keep reading. It’s worth it, I promise.

So as you can see, Phil’s influence on my life has been life-changing. The saying “Oh powers above, grant me the serenity to accept that which I cannot change. The courage to change that what I cannot accept. And, most importantly, the wisdom to know the difference” Aptly covers the lesson he was brought into my life to teach. As that pretty much sums up our relationship. If you prefer a more musical description; consider listening to “Everything Changed”,by Nigel Stamford. I’m listening to it right now, as it happens.

But as I said, he encouraged me to try my hand at being a DJ, to an Audience. Well I got rather concerned as we were in lockdown, and his response was for to do a Radio gig. From hone, if possible – But don’t waste you talents. I hear you loud and clear, sir… And, with that in mind, I found a gig. Quite unexpectedly, might I add, I didnt go looking for it. It came to me, in the end, in a way which I can only assume to be fate…

Bring on Trans Radio UK.

You heard right. The only radio station the world that is run only by Trans People. And they accepted me as a DJ. In fact, my first show was the Saturday Night, Midnight til 2 slot. Almost prime for a club DJ 😁…

But it didn’t stop there. I soon upgraded to the Pub Lock-in slot, five nights a week. I developed that slot, over time, into what could turn out to be a life changing venture. (More in a future post). Then, almost by accident, I landed the drive time slot, Friday, 4-6 as well…

I did not believe I was that good – Honestly, I didn’t… I swear. It didn’t stop there though; but first, this:-

Well, you can’t have good without bad. And the wheel of karma is always turning, relentlessly. And I got my clinic appointment. Why should that be a karmic thing? Easy. I walked straight through the psychological tests and got my first clearance for surgery, on the first visit. No big deal? Doesn’t happen often here in the UK. There’s usually at least two psych appointments, to be on the safe side. Second confirmation next, should be about June, and then clearance for surgery – it’s a bloody milestone.

Phil didn’t see it that way though, and walked out. Left his stuff. Gone. The police told me he didn’t want me to know where he was. That was enough for me. Too much in fact, and I walked away from the station as well – I flipped. And no one was ready for it. By the time I realised what I had done, it was too late.

So bringing you up to date,

I was away from the station for a month and made some temporary changes to my lifestyle in order to cope with what happened. I had to admit to myself that I loved him more than I thought I did. But doing so, allowed me to get over him and move on.

Which I haven’t done yet. Not too interested in that side of it for the moment, but a woman has needs that mist be fulfilled; so watch this space, lol ❤️ xx

I am back at Trans Radio UK, and in the break there were some changes. Which mean I didn’t get my old slot back. I don’t think that would have been appropriate anyway; my life is different now, my mind is different now, I am different now. And I like me now. Both inside and out. I work.

So I’ve ended up with, what to me is, the best slot on the schedule. The breakfast show. 07:00-09:00 Monday to Friday. Couldn’t believe it when it was offered. I was gobsmacked.

Home

Check it out, it’s all on there. And don’t forget to tune in via a Smart Speaker, the mobile app, the website, tune-in radio or, in certain cities in the UK, DAB. If you say you’ve read this post, I’ll do a special shout out and request for you, live.


And here we are, all back up to date. A small amount of surgeries to put things right, and I’m good to go… If anyone on UK National Radio is looking for a slot filled and fly the Trans flag at the same time. I’m game. And the boy loves it…

Much Love, as always,

Vikki ❤️ xx

By Vikki Kinsella

My name is Vikki, and I’m a Transgender Female living and working in the UK.

I’ve started this blog purely as a way of writing down my thoughts and feelings, as I now start my journey through transition from living life as Male to becoming Female, and beyond. You see, I spent 45 years of my life living as, what is now known as, a cisgender Male - With almost no idea that I could even consider being Female, let alone consider corrective surgery. But I must admit I did have a tendency to THINK like a woman sometimes... But doesn't every Man think like a woman on occasion? Don't try and hide it boys, you know you do, lol...

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.