I had a Brain Fart…

Morning Gorgeous 🙂 xx

How are we all on this fine day of ours? Hope everyone is good and you’re all staying safe as can be in these chaotic times of ours. For those of us, like myself, fortunate enough not to be in too much difficulty right now, never forget that there are those who are not having it so good and try to help where you can; should resources allow. And for those of us not so fortunate, try to take comfort in the belief that change is the only constant and there are people, like me, who are either working or praying for things to get better for you – You are not alone, even if you believe that you are.

Right, on to the title of the post. The Brain Fart. What exactly am I talking about? We know you’re a little bit strange, Vikki, but come on; what are you talking about? (So many times that was said to me when I was younger, lol). Let me tell you. I’ve been “Blue Sky” thinking again. Allowing my mind to wander free and trying to quantify abstract concepts, in order to try to make better sense of my own, and others, existence – While avoiding existential dread and compound negativity. In other words, I’ve been on one and had a Brain Fart.

Now I have these Brain Farts from time to time, and have done for as long as I can remember – I’ve always wondered what more to life there is, than just the mundane. I wanted to be an Astronaut when I was a kid; for example. I had my bedroom painted like a space scene, only to scare myself silly and end up not being able to sleep in there. But it never stopped me wondering. I always tried to think outside the box, believing that the box never existed in the first place (Never mind Schrodingers Cat! lol); only to find myself in a society that was ruled by the box and that I must find a way of fitting myself within it. Can you not tell that my childhood was really difficult, in a first-world problem kind of way?

In a world of Zero’s and One’s, I was always 0.5.

And I suppose that’s the reason why I’m Trans. I see myself as both Male, and Female – Like a Diesel engine that was sold with a tank full of Petrol; it’ll run, but it’ll never run right until you put Diesel in it.

And here’s the thing, when I was living as a Man, I always thought this way but was scared to show it because I knew, from experience, that I’d be ridiculed for it. Example, It was expected that I would go into construction by my family; I am sorry, I work in an office – Oops. But I can’t change the way that I thought; you can’t put spark plugs in a Diesel engine and expect it to run on Petrol, you gotta change the Cam, the pistons, the fuel management and filters – Kinda like how some people Transition, it’ll always be a Diesel engine though and it won’t run properly until you put Diesel in it.

But I’m digressing here from the original Brain Fart. The original smell from the fart involved the basic principal of Male and Female, Zero and One, Order and Chaos; Relative and Quantum theory… Now you’re asking just what exactly were you taking last night?? And would it be worth me taking some? lol. Seriously, nothing. I was as Jober as a Sudge all night. I was working on a project for something which should come to fruition in the next few weeks, hopefully (more later). And when I finished that, I was watching TV to relax before sleep. And it was the TV program I was watching, that really blew my mind; good old Morgan Freeman going through a Wormhole and asking loads of questions but never giving any real answers, just updating bits of our knowledge.

And therein in the problem, in order to achieve balance… A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing. But so can too much. It’s a fecker that, isn’t it? But that’s part of the problem. Where do you draw the line? What is the right amount? Of anything. Not just knowledge. Of information, of humanity, of life, of sex, of people… Where the fuck do you stop?

And what the hell has all of that crap got to do with you being 0.5 in a world of 0’s and 1’s? Again, here we are, loads of questions and no bloody answers. Welcome to Vikki’s world, dear reader, sit down and get comfortable; it’s a bit strange in here.

On that note, I went to sleep. My brain stopped resonating and shut down, thank god, I was knackered. But it didn’t stop there. (Why me?) And I woke up this morning with exactly the same information and thoughts in my head, only my mind had applied them to scenarios I hadn’t even began to think of the night before. What if Randomness and Order are the only constants, and everything else is left up to chance? What if you then apply that to Quantum Theory? Would everything be chaotic until it is observed, at which point it would take on an ordered state? How does that equate to the position of the observer? Then the triggers set in.

Do you all remember a post I wrote not so long back? “The Binary Model”? If not, you can it here. It’s interesting reading, and it applies the philosophy that sex and gender are on a spectrum, that there are endpoints to that spectrum and that those endpoints can be clearly defined. It’s a damned good read.

Well I woke up this morning with an advance of that theory, a Quantum leap, in fact. Yet the advance is as chaotic, as the theory itself creates order from that chaos. Am I losing my mind? I wish. No, I’m just trying to make sense of a large amount of information; with a little bit of information, in order to stop the resonance… I woke up this morning wondering, what if everything was in fact non-binary; but we as humans are applying a Binary Model to it because of our perspective as a Mammalian species? Why the fuck should a Binary model exist in the fucking first place?

God that was deep for 8am on a Tuesday morning… lol

But seriously, I did manage to answer my question. And I was surprised that I could. What was even more surprising, was that the answer came from itself – From creating order out of chaos, from the fact that I could also create chaos from order. Woah… Didn’t think of that one.

But it’s true. if Chaos is 0, Order is 1. 0 and 1 are constants, everything in between is chaotic and free to move as it sees fit. But you cannot have 0 or 1, without everything in between. All you can do, is ignore that which has greater randomness than is desired to create the ordered path you seek. However. Nothing lasts forever, as the third constant is time and that will only ever move in one direction; as it’s function is to create order from chaos and chaos from order. Time is the only true constant and must be adhered to without question, time will protect itself by creating order and chaos as it see’s fit. Trying to create a paradox in time will only result in the opposite state at the destination of the paradox. The surrounding entities that are not part of the paradoxical event will limit the effect of the paradox within the definition of the destinations state. The observer attempting to create the paradox will never be allowed to know the result of the paradox because in order to attempt to create the paradox, the observer must have first moved through time.

Deep shit.

But what the fuck has all this got to do with Feeling Trans?

Easy, I’m the 0.5. I’m the chaos, I’m the agent for change. I’ve always known that. Someone said to me recently, in a conversation had nothing to do with it; “I won’t let you change me” – What the fuck? Where did that come from? The context of the conversation had nothing to do with that, and I was taken aback by the fact that the person said it to me. My answer was; “I’m not trying to change you”, because I wasn’t – That was the last thing that I intended to do. So why the fuck did they say that to me, right out of the blue. From nowhere.

Partly because all my life I’ve been at the epicentre of change, whether that be on a large scale or a small one. I always end up changing something about someone else’s life, yet all I’m trying to do is achieve a balance, constant and order in mine. I believe that there had to be a balance for everything. To create order from chaos you have to achieve balance. And I go around helping other people achieve that, at great expense to myself sometimes. My life has been one of enduring pain for many, many different reasons; and not all of them can be blamed on me – Regardless of what people would say, if questioned about them. That’s because they are the observer in the quantum scenarios and their order and chaos is different to mine. It’s a matter of perspective, which is the downfall of Quantum theory in relation to Chaos theory; yes, the two are different. They have to be.

Just like Male and Female are different, and we must accept that. Sex and Gender are different, and we must accept that also. But you cannot cross one with the other, to do so would be a misnomer. A mistake. For you are triyng to integrate two chaotically different spectrums with the intent of defining order. You can’t do that. You’ll create a Quantum paradox and the surrounding elements will close in to alleviate that paradox by returning to order over a period of time.

So you can be both Male and Female, and you can choose what you want to be observed as. But you cannot change sex once it has been determined and you must accept that in order to integrate into the life around you. And if you cannot do that, then you must be prepared to leave that life and move on. There is no other choice. And if you are not prepared to make that choice yourself, time will eventually make that choice for you.

Just like it did to me, Five years ago.

Much love,

Vikki xx

By Vikki Kinsella

My name is Vikki, and I’m a Transgender Female living and working in the UK.

I’ve started this blog purely as a way of writing down my thoughts and feelings, as I now start my journey through transition from living life as Male to becoming Female, and beyond. You see, I spent 45 years of my life living as, what is now known as, a cisgender Male - With almost no idea that I could even consider being Female, let alone consider corrective surgery. But I must admit I did have a tendency to THINK like a woman sometimes... But doesn't every Man think like a woman on occasion? Don't try and hide it boys, you know you do, lol...

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