It’s a little bit funny…

Morning goreous 🙂 x

How are we all today? Are we good? I hope so, I only ever wnt the best for peopleeven though I know that’s not always possible. But remember, there is always a negative to a positive and a positive to a negative. Just just have to look at it differently to find it…

So, what’s the meaning of the post today? What’s going round in Vikki’s head? What’s bouncing off the walls and causing a problem that she can’t solve, and needs to be written down? I’ll tell you. And I’ll tell you in one word. But remember, as soon as I say the word, it will invoke a response. And just like me, it’ll be positive or negative, polarising. There’s no middle ground here. So shall I just say it and get it over with? Hell yeah, here it is…


You know it, don’t you. Don’t tell me you’ve never heard of it, because I call bullshit if you do. EVERYONE knows Tetris. Everyone in the developed world, anyway. And a good sixty fecking percent of you have played it – Don’t tell me you haven’t, don’t lie to me. Everyone has. If you live in an environment developed enough to read this and you’ve lived in that environment for five years or more; you’ve met Tetris. Its been around a while, lets be honest – Forty years next year, believe it or not.

Oh, isn’t that how long you’ve been into technology, Vikki? Yeah, about that. Give or take a year or two, lol…

OK, what’s going down?

It’s easy. They released a film of it’s inception and how it came to be. And it’s a class piece of Hollywood storytelling, let me tell you. Worth a watch. I call bullshit on some of it (read the wikipedia page here), but there is no doubt that this film is steeped in technological history – Tetris changed the fucking world, it’s THE most addictive computer game on the planet. Polarisingly addictive; you love it or hate it. And if you hate it, you walk away there and then. With good reason.

OK Vik, it’s clear you’re triggered. Why? What’s going down? Come on girl, get a grip.

No. Not yet. I got things I need to say. This has brought back memories from 35 years ago. Why now? What the fuck is going on? All of a sudden, I learn not to give a fuck about the things that don’t matter, and I bounce the things that have caused me problems recently (with positive effects), and this smashes me in the face. Dropping me right back in the time when all of this started. My teenage years. Talk about things coming full circle. Talk about shit going round in circles! Have I tread water all that time and never moved? What the fuck?!

If this is a mid-life crisis at 50? My head hurts.

OK, look. Let me take you back. Let me go back into the mind of that confused teenager. Struggling with the changes, both internal & external, and the challenges of losing your childhood & becoming an adult. The expectations placed upon you by society, which you’re not ready for. And the lack of skills that you have to deal with those expectations, because you don’t know the truth of who you are. You just know you’re different, somehow, and you cn’t explain why. You don’t have the words.


Now it’s easy to blame the parent’s. Hell, growing up in the 1980’s was frigging hard – We were the Latchkey Generation (Generation X, for those more informed). Our parents were subject to a fundamental shift in reality that still affects life today. Yeah, every generation of western society has it’s own problems; that’s an issue with western society – What long-term structure is in place, in order to keep us from imploding? (I highlighed this in my last post). But the uniqueness of my generation exists within the family structure, it sits at the core of family life. We were the first generation of kids that didn’t have a parent at home 24 by 7. We had to do it ourselves, we had no fucking choice. Dad was at work (expected, perfectly fine) and so was mum (What the fuck?). Who tends to the nest? Who looks after the kids if Mum is out there doing Dads job? And Dad is out there doing his job too? No-one, that’s who. And we wonder why western society (particulry in the UK and the USA) is fucked. Speaks for itself, doesn’t it. Every other society on this planet puts the family unit atthe heart of it’s infrastructure. We don’t. And we’re ahead of the curve? Bullshit. Things need to change.

Alright Vik, rant over. How does Tetris fit into all of this?

That’s easy. Tetris drew me into computers and gave me something to concentrate on. When I needed it most. It was my way out. It was the available sand, I needed, for me to plough my head into; that helped me deal with the problems I was facing. And don’t call bullshit on me; don’t turn into a shrink, I’ve been to enough of them. I was struggling wth an identity crisis that no one knew about and I had no one to tell. And a part of that crisis involved an event that nobody cared about and everybody needed to care about. Because it was life changing. My life was never the same again and my childhood was ripped away from me, by people who had no fucking right to do that. In fact, they were still kids themselves (in age, anyway) – Holy fuck!

Look. It was 1983 when my life changed. Tetris came out in 1984. I discovered it in 1985, three years before Mirrorsoft released it. In fact I remember hating the Mirrorsoft version, because I didn’t feel it was true to the original; which I was already addicted to (My shrink told me that in 1987, by the way). All of these years were my teenage years. Those ame years when, if I wasn’t playing on a computer or in school trying to deal with 1980’s social structure, I was lying in bed at night wondering why I foud it more pleasureable to have a foreign object stuck inside me rather than playing with my own penis and ejaculating, like every other teenage boy at time – Why were my orgasms caused by external stimuli rather than internal gratification, when I’d been taught (by my brother) that Male orgasms are caused by internal gratification.

Do you now see why Gender Dysphoria is a Psychosexual Disorder of Sexual Development? I do. And every other Trans Woman I’ve talked to (when I can talk to them on that level, not mny let you go there; with good reason) has the same problem. Sexually, were different. I knew it. And I couldn’t talk to anyone about it, because there was no one to talk to. So I buried my head in computers and Tetris got me addicted.

That was my teenage years, and that’s why I’m triggered. And that’s why I wrote this post. Trans people are different, and that needs to be applauded, not destroyed – We have it much fucking harder than you do, apprecite and respect that. Don’t criminalise it. Please?

Much, much, much love,

Vikki x

By Vikki Kinsella

My name is Vikki, and I’m a Transgender Female living and working in the UK.

I’ve started this blog purely as a way of writing down my thoughts and feelings, as I now start my journey through transition from living life as Male to becoming Female, and beyond. You see, I spent 45 years of my life living as, what is now known as, a cisgender Male - With almost no idea that I could even consider being Female, let alone consider corrective surgery. But I must admit I did have a tendency to THINK like a woman sometimes... But doesn't every Man think like a woman on occasion? Don't try and hide it boys, you know you do, lol...

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