Morning gorgeous ❤️ xx

How are we all today? Good I hope. I hope you’re all well and staying safe, those that can. And those that can’t, I pray that things will become easier with time. Particularly the women of Afghanistan, and the LGBT community in parts of Africa. I may not say it much, but I pray for you everyday my brothers and sisters…

Today, I want to talk about something personal to me. Something that does not colour my opinion of other people, but a personal choice for me; for some very valid reasons – Particularly the once bitten, twice shy philosophy; and the three strikes and you’re out part of it that I hold dear.

I say this in relation to other Trans people and my close circle of friends. My family, in essence, as I don’t talk much to my blood relatives; for a number of different reasons – And some of those, I am prepared to admit, are my fault. However, it may or may not alarm you to note; that I don’t have, and won’t have, other Trans People in my close circle of friends.

Now, for new Trans people that I meet, it’s not their fault. Genuinely. They’ve done nothing wrong. And I suppose there is a viewpoint where I could be seen as being quite harsh here, in not wishing to give them a chance. Yeah, I’ll agree, there is a case that you could be right. But there is also a case where you could be wrong. And there is no right or wrong answer to this; only personal choice and the reasons for that choice.

And my personal choice, is not to involve other Trans people in my close personal affairs.

Now, before I go into why; as that will take some time. I just want to say, that for any personal choice such as this, it can be difficult for others to understand. Especially when relating to minority groups and intersectionality. Humans are pack animals, and if you’re not seen as being a part of a pack, questions are raised – Community and Society make us what we are. Hence why I mentioned those in Africa and Afghanistan in my opener (There’s always a reason why I do things, even if it’s not clear at first). They’re having their societies eroded away by others because those others are blinkered against what their society means for them. I personally don’t like it but I’m powerless to stop it, so I can only voice an opinion.

So, why don’t I, personally, have other Trans people in my close relationships? Well I’ll tell you – Or to be fair, if you’ve read this blog from the start you’ll realise I shouldn’t have to – I can’t get on with other Trans people on that level. I’ve been hurt by them too many times for me to want to try again. And, not only have I been hurt by other Trans people, they’ve used me as a weapon AGAINST other Trans people. And that has cost me personally. Both financially & mentally AND it affected my transition – It slowed it down.

Now let me tell you. If I’m on a mission to get something done, you need to clear a path for me and get out of my way. I’m like a flipping freight train, the only way you’ll stop me is a bomb across them tracks. And that needs to be a big, nuclear bomb, that I can’t see coming. And guess what, that’s been done to me before as well (read “Toiletgate” for more on that).

The thing is, if I find myself in that situation I’ll walk away. Either hands waving in the air, or the middle finger pointed at you – read “The hardest thing I’ve ever had to write” for why I have the attitude that I do – I’ve HAD to be tough. I grew up real quick, and I couldn’t rely on anybody. Lies were told and other people believed them. And, ultimately, I was forced to believe those lies as well; even though I knew the truth…

I won’t lie (I hate lies), it’s coloured my life and I’d be daft to admit otherwise. My existence can be very lonely at times, and I can go for weeks without seeing a single soul. But at 51 years old, no amount of therapy is gonna change it. It’s become my subtle art of not giving a f*ck, my defence mechanism, my protection that keeps me alive.

And as much as it could be seen as a walled garden, it’s not. Because nothing and nobody will stop me from doing what I want; if I decide I want to do something, I’ll get up and do it – No questions asked. But there’s not much I want to do anymore. Nothing lights my fire. Or if it does, it’s not for very long. And that’s because what I wanted to do, I can’t do. The thing that puts a smile on my face, solving a computer problem no one else can fix, I can’t do anymore. Can’t use a computer for any length of time due to my hand. But it doesn’t stop me trying and never will; even though the change of me getting a job now is very slim, and I don’t want to retrain and start again.

So I live my life tending to my little garden and doing the things I always do. And I’m happy with that. I have my little society of friends and acquaintances. And they are my world. And I’m happy with that. I’m happy with my identity as a woman; because I am Woman first and Trans second. And putting Trans second means, I will not let another Trans person into my garden on a permanent basis.

Because it is MY garden. I’ve worked hard to make it work. And I don’t want them there. Period.

Much Love,

Vikki ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜 x