As you all know, I don’t publish here very often, due to continuing work in other areas of the Media (see www.transradiouk.com, for more on that).
While working on a new post for all of you; to finish off 2024 (and there’s some exciting stuff in there). I found that another person has taken to the internet and released a book using the exact same spelling of my personal name; which I use on the Radio and have done for four years.
This has caused me some serious issues in the last four weeks. To the point where I have had to issue a cease and desist letter. To that end, the original post will have to wait. All I can say, at this time; is that any further work (not that there has been much, and I apologise for that), will have to wait until this has been resolved.
One this is for sure. I’ll keep you all posted.
** Update 1 – Well, the response was not what I expected. Although I expected hostile, I didn’t expect a response to be THAT hostile… I’m going to leave this here, for now. It’s taken me seven years to get here. It’s not prudent or appropriate for me to comment further.
How are we all today? Good, I hope. Wherever you are, I hope you are living what life you can to it’s fullest. In one way or another we are all survivors of something. Or will be, when the tide turns in our favour…
Conflict is inevitable, it’s human nature. But it doesn’t have to define us. It doesn’t have to consume us. Those pictures of a human standing tall, with a sword, striking it high in the air; celebrating victory. Portray the emotion that we need to attain, but not the situation that we should attain… That. Is different for every one of us. Which is as it should be.
So, on to the post. Yes. I started this post on 16th July, 2024. And tt has taken me, literally, a month, to write this post. Quite simply because it has been crazily difficult to find the time. But what the hell, my boyfriend has been with me. And love has a very annoying habit of working in very mysterious ways …
So, yes. I have a partner. He was assigned Male at Birth and he views me wholly, and entirely, as female. He doesn’t want children. He doesn’t have any children. They’re not in his life plan, but I have a child; who will eventually meet him. And who I hope, will understand; when the time comes.
The relationship is new, but so are a lot of other things. My life has changed; completely since my surgery. And my mind has adjusted to the change incredibly well. There are remnants of him, but since I’ve met my Mr; they’re disappearing rapidly … All for the greater good, I say.
What else is new? I hear you ask. Where the hell have you been for over a year? And why do you not post much anymore?
Simple. Allow me to answer a question with a question. Why do you think I started this blog? …
Answer? … Pain. And lots of it.
Go back to the first post and read it again. It’s linked here. Trust me. Go and do it. But if you really can’t be arsed, and I wouldn’t blame you; this, is what you’re looking for:
My friends are going to read this and be shocked. At the very least surprised. As I haven’t told them everything. They don’t know this and it’s not fair for them to find out this way. But I’ve been too embarrassed to tell them. So I’m telling the internet as my way of counselling myself through it. Hello world, here I come ...
I lived a lie for 45 years. The realisation of that, broke me. And I mean smashed me to pieces with a bat. Which bloody hurt. And then dealing with that, only to be restricted in my movements until I could prove I was real, was the knife twisting. They may as well have hung, drawn and quartered me; it would have been quicker and more fun for them. Because the look on their faces, was worth all the heartache.
Now I just have to equip Bob with those tools … And that’s going better than expected, for sure…
So, what else is new???
Well, if any of you are following my socials (DJ Vikki K, or Vikki’s Virtual Bar & Grill), you’ll know what I’m up to.
For someone who used to hate the camera lens, with a passion bordering on insanity…, I’m not doing too bad. I don’t think. And life is pretty good.
I’m shedding the Trans skin, and becoming the woman I should always have been. I’m becoming a Woman who’s had Trans Experience. Just like a woman who has experienced, say marriage; or who has worked in Technology, as an example. On another level; a woman who couldn’t have kids, for biological reasons and decided not to have any. But is every childs Auntie Vikki.
I have a boyfriend, who loves to me bits and treats me like a queen. I’m off to university in September, to study Music; with a budding career in Radio (or similar) ahead of me. I’m starting again. A post menopausal woman, starting to make a success of her life; after her previous one crashed and burned.
That’s how I move through the world.
I occasionally take some flak, usually from those who clearly don’t have a great deal of life experience. Or from those whose experience has taken a politically right-leaning perspective. But I count those experiences in very small numbers. And I feel particularly lucky, in that regard; that those I do communicate with in my daily life, are overwhelmingly supportive of the role I play in society.
I cannot name them all here, but I’d like to take this opportunity to thank them all, for supporting me throughout my journey. We’ve sometimes not seen eye to eye; and my communication style can be … Interesting, occasionally. But I love the friends and colleagues I have around me, very deeply, I’m stubbornly loyal to those I’m close to and I will always fight side by side, with those around me.
The system around me, here in the UK is setting itself up to make me fail. For sure. There’s a growing influence, here in the UK, of the political right. And some erasure of my brethrens right to exist. I do what I can to help, hence my broadcasting on Trans Radio UK. But I’ve learnt to protect myself and evidence that protection, should something untoward happen. I’ve played the system by its own rule book; and I’ve learnt a lot about how it works. If the Gender Critics of this world, are going to come for me; I’m ready. As you see, I myself was highly Gender Critical prior to transition; I know how they think. Even with the background of LGBTQ within my family.
So, it’s time to move on; for me. It’s time to start wrapping things up, completing any unfinished posts (there’s over 50 in the drafts folder) and re-organising this website ready for its finished look.
This website was designed to document my transition. My transition is nearly done. They say it takes between 3 and 4 years, post surgery, to find your true self. Your mind goes through a lot of changes, once sex hormones are taken out of the equation – because you will forget to regulate your HRT in those first few years.
Your mind is now free. The chaos dies and everything is replaced with a sense of calm. You visibly relax and frowns lessen. You smile more. Sex drive drops off the cliffs of Dover; and trust me that’s not a bad thing – You still enjoy sex, I certainly do, but it’s much more playful and relaxed. It’s not forced and it doesn’t become routine. It becomes a choice…
Anyway, there are people who are trying to strip my right to exist away from me. They should read this. I can’t be anymore honest about my journey, if I tried; and being Autistic, I’m pretty good at it – We can be blatantly honest; in the wrong setting, sometimes. But if they must try to strip away my right to live freely (I don’t hurt anyone intentionally, so why would you want to?), I’m ready for a fight. I’ve got a quick tongue and a sharp mind. I’ll come out fighting, for sure. Just as any woman whose life was threatened, would.
You don’t think we sit there flapping our hands around, in short skirts, crying for help. Do you? You tend to find those kinds of stories start in a Hollywood Basement.
To conclude. You will hear from me again, those unfinished posts, will be written. Take them with a pinch of salt, they were my thoughts at the time; and this journey isn’t meant to be easy, it’ll kill you. The statistics there speak for themselves.
I question the current culture war. I question its purpose. Because, in reality, it’s all based around a fear of men. Well, it took 40 years from the Aids scandal for it to be relatively OK to be gay, so why can’t it be OK to be Gender Diverse in ALL it’s forms, at some point. In the main we’ve dealt with the stigma of Autism? It’s a lot more friendly out there for neurodiverse people, we’re heading in the right direction, at a grass roots level. And the good thing about grass, is that it will continue to grow; with or without us.
Stay safe out there, my valued friends and readers. It’s a big wide world, but it can be navigated, if you learn how. If you’re going to wear a mask, wear one that’s comfortable and suits your style. It’s a lot easier in this world, if you do.
How are we all today? Good, I hope. And I hope you’re all doing everything you can to stay safe and well. For those that can’t, or are in precarious situations; I pray things will ease soon.
And it is with a VERY heavy heart that I write today. I find myself in a precarious situation. Of my own making, by all accounts. I don’t know everything that I did, but I do know that what I did; I should not have done. For someone like me, who generally puts others first and themselves last; this is an incredibly difficult situation. As, in doing what I did, I did NOT put others first. It’s going against every fibre of my being.
But I trust those that have made their decision, and I trust what they say; even if I cannot explain it all myself – What happened, should not have happened. And I am ultimately responsible.
I’m used to responsibility. I’m used to taking accountability. I’ve been the fall guy many times. But I’m normally very careful and much more reserved in my approach than I have been of late. This is not a good situation. And definitely one I never wish to repeat.
So, how do I feel? Well. I currently feel like I want to end it all. Like me not being here anymore would resolve all these issues. Like, what the hell am I doing all this for and why did I start this; if this was going to be the result?
Well this isn’t going to be the result and these feelings will pass. But it’s going to be a painful transition. And when I’m in pain. I write. So here we are.
When you transition, everything changes. Whether you want it to, or not. Do NOT forget that and deal with the changes, swiftly. It’s OK to be you, but it’s not all about you. Remember that. Because doing so, will cost you. Dearly.
How are we all today? I do hope you’re all keeping well, and staying as safe as you can. For those that can’t, my thoughts are with you; always. And I pray times get better soon.
So, after my last post, yesterday, I have been a busy girl. Lots to sort out. Appointments have been made and the necessary agencies contacted. It’s been hard. And will get harder before it gets easier, as I have to deal with the deepest parts of my psyche. I have to go places on my head that I’ve never been to before. The boxes on shelves must be brought down and opened. The contents need throwing away.
But not before they’ve been examined in great detail.
Why were they put there? What was I thinking at the time, when I organised these thoughts and categories the way I have? And which ones really shouldn’t be touched? Because they’re not all rubbish, some are very much necessary for my continued survival. Most, however, are not. And must go.
My doctor has started the ball rolling. And the Advice they have given me, will be heeded. I spoke to the right person today and I’m glad I did. I didn’t come out of the consulting room in tears. I felt like there was hope. Hope for a brighter future, free of these shackles that chain me down and cause me pain.
And there is hope. I’m not the first to have been through what I have been through, and I doubt I’ll be the last. But mine is slightly different, because of the way I think. It’s not that different, though; just unique in my own little way. Just like everyone else.
We’re all similar, yet different. We are all individuals. But we’re all a part of the same team. Our journeys are intrinsically tied together, even though we follow our own paths through life. Therefore, we must all learn to get on with one another and play by the rules that we create. Those rules bind us and keep us moving, as one, in the same overall direction. The direction of progress.
When one of us crawls off in a different direction, unless it is to create a slight shift for us all, they must be eventually brought back into line.
I am that divergent. My experiences are being written down in order to create a slight shift; not for me, for us all. As the new age we are entering, will be a paradigm shift for us all. But I must be brought back into line, and those experiences along with it. Because once they’re written, they can be of benefit to us all…
Keep being you. There’s nothing wrong with that. Because eventually we will all get to be where we want to be.
How are we all today? Good I hope. And, as always, for that aren’t or can’t be. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I pray that your difficulties will soon pass. This world can be a horrible place, but if you let that get to you, it will destroy you. Keep fighting for a better world, as I am sure one is coming. The world is changing but change is always difficult, it is never meant to be easy.
Which is the basic subject of this post. It’s about change. In all its forms. Be it catastrophic change, or just a change to your daily routine. There is always something that needs to change, always for the better; even if it doesn’t feel like that at the time.
Six years ago, I described a catastrophic event in my life; one that changed everything. And one that continues to change things; always for the better, but not so at first. In that description of the events that happened, in August 2017, there was a notable situation. An issue, as it were, around mental health.
That issue still persists to this day.
That issue is changing me. It’s changing my world. And it’s changing things in ways even I could never have imagined possible. Had you asked me, seven years ago, how I would feel regarding some of the events that have happened in the intervening years. I would have laughed at you.
Today, I can describe how I feel. But the range of emotions I need to describe what I feel, needs an entire post of its own. And it’s not time to write that, yet.
Rest assured that is coming.
But what am I talking about? That’s the easy part. I can do that in one word. The word? Triggers. I’m talking about triggers. Events or situations, that have profound effects on your mental state, in that one moment. Yet leave a legacy of lessons to be learnt and conversations to be had.
The obvious example, is a gun going off in your hand and shooting someone straight through the heart. Killing them instantly. Did you mean to fire that gun? Were you coerced into firing that gun? Were you angry? What was going on in your head at the time the trigger was pulled?
And then there’s the event itself. The bullet went straight through someone’s heart. They died. You took a life. In that one moment, you changed several people’s worlds. Not least of all, ending the world of the victim who received the bullet. In that moment, everything changed.
The aftermath. What happened next. What did you do? Did you panic? Were you calm? Did you run – the fight or flight response. Adrenaline and Cortisol. Other people around you, were there any? What did they do? How did they respond?
And the strangest question of all. Were you happy? Or sad? Or angry? Or relieved?
That description above, is catastrophic change. Things will never be the same again, after that. And no matter how hard you try and control the outcome. At some point in the future, you must answer the call. You will have to answer for what you did. And if there’s a price to be paid. You will pay it.
That happened to me in August 2017. And I answered the call. I dealt with it the only way I know how. Head on. The changes have been complete. Nothing is the same. I now have a new birth certificate that states I am Female. I have a gender recognition certificate – Legal recognition of my new gender, and life. I no longer have a penis, dangling between my legs. I am a woman. And I am proud of that.
I haven’t seen my son in six years, but knows me. And he knows I am a woman now. I can’t call myself Female, I wasn’t born with a Uterus and I don’t believe I have XX chromosomes. But I am not a man. That description of me lies firmly in the past.
So what happened? Well I can’t talk about the details. That’s not fair on those involved. But what I can say is, I went through a catastrophic breakdown and I thought I was done with those. There was a trigger. There were events that I couldn’t fully handle that led up to that trigger. And there was a catastrophe, when the trigger was pulled. This time, however, I can salvage the situation; by owning it. Which I am doing. And I will do what needs to be done to resolve it. Just like last time, nothing is off the table. If it needs changing, it will be changed. No matter what the outcome will be.
Thankfully, I think my life will remain intact. But people around me are already seeing me in a very different light. And they’re worried. They don’t know what’s going to happen. And they are putting measures in place to prevent a similar situation reoccurring in the future.
Which they have a right to do, and they should. I don’t want this to happen again, either.
With that, it’s time for me to talk to a professional. For the first time in six and a half years. I’ve done all of this, everything you’ve read over the last six years, without professional help. The medical professions have had minimal contact with me throughout my, now complete, transition. They’ve done what needed to be done, and little else. That was my choice. I wanted to own this, and I did. And nothing was going to stop me.
But the new world I now find myself in, is very different from the previous one. And the rules regarding what is and isn’t appropriate, for someone living this life, are very different too. But I have been accepted in that world. And, thankfully, with few questions, I fit in.
I am proud to know those who have accepted me, in this world. And grateful for their support. It hasn’t been easy for them to support me, and there have been troubles. And I am sorry to have brought those troubles upon them. It has never been my intention to cause harm, to anyone. But that damned trigger just won’t go away…
Meet the new me … X
Meet the new me. You wouldn’t believe that who you’re looking at, is still the same person from seven years ago. And yet, I haven’t changed that much, mentally. Transition hasn’t changed me as a person, it’s just allowed me to grow into a new skin. It’s allowed me to become the best version of me that I have ever been.
But going forward, I think it’s about to. I think it’s about time it did. I think those changes HAVE to happen. And I don’t think those changes should be catastrophic. Yet they almost were. It’s called a trigger. I’m fed up of pulling it.
Things are going to be very different from now on. They have to be. Because I can’t pull that trigger again. I can’t go through that again. I’m done with it. But thankfully, I know what it is now. I know what causes me to pick up that gun and fire it into the air, shocking everyone around me. Although I have to learn that it’s not appropriate to pick up that gun, except in certain circumstances. That’s a good place to start …
FeelingTrans 