Morning gorgoeus xx

How are you all today? Good I hope. If not, I do hope things improve soon.

OK, if you follow the blog you’ll probably have guessed I’ve been working through some issues recently. Losing my Job, losing my parents, breaking my fingers, massive dysphoria, etc. None of it has been particularly pretty but all have been essential for my personal development. Why the title of the post? And who is Bert? Well if you follow me, you will know that Bert is my old persona. His was the body I was born into, the shell that carried me for 45 years. His was the image that was presented to the world.

He is gone now. In the last 24 hours. May he rest in peace…

You see, we all have that little voice in our head; our inner self. It’s the voice that keeps us safe, helps us make decisions and answers our questions when there is no one else around to do so – It’s built into all our subconscious. The problem I’ve had with my transition; is I’ve had two of them. One that constantly refers to itself as Bert; ‘Bert did this’, ‘it would be better if Bert did that’, etc. And one which appeared after transition, and has had to constantly correct the other one to say Vikki. It’s been a bit crowded in there.

So what did I do about this? See a psychiatrist for schizophrenia of course… NOT. It sounds like a mental illness, it sounds weird, but it’s not. You see, once you realise your gender identity and you realise its different from what you’ve been assigned, you have to find coping mechanisms until you can put that right. You may, like me, have to live your life as the opposite gender and identify as that until such time as the Transition can take place. Well taking that course of action can, but not always does, create a second identity within you – That’s how your mind learns to cope, that’s how I learned to cope with the Transition; definitely.

Well, recently, that old identity has been trying to take over and break through to the surface again. I’ve given it cause to by stopping wearing wigs, etc. But without that; I think it would have tried to break through with everything that has happened. So last night, I sat down and I went in there to deal with him – I’m sorry, he just doesn’t serve any purpose anymore. But he won’t shut up! Grrr.

Someone said to me recently that they’ve been seeing more of Bert than Me, and they were worried I’d start to de-transition; or worse. And I said that’s not right, and their reply was “Do something about it”. They went on to explain that it is common for Transgender individuals to have these feelings and that full transition cannot go ahead until it has been dealt with, it holds you back. She suggested a funeral, that the old persona needed to “die” and be buried; but not forgotten. She said that only then will you learn to grow and flourish into the person you are supposed to be.

So that’s what is going to happen. I wen’t into my head last night with a Gun and made sure I found him; hiding away behind some boxes with a link to my internal intercom in his hand. And I shot him. Dead. Cold. It was an extremely dysphoric experience and not like any other dysphoric experience I’ve had before, I really felt like I was taking control; that I was on the other side now and I needed to destroy the bridge – there is no going back. And soon, within the next week, I will hold another funeral. Bert is dead, it’s time to bury him.

I’m wearing a wig today. My hair is too short. It needs styling because I look like a man; but I’m OK with that, there’s lots of women that wear wigs. I use female expressions more and talk in my, female, voice. I feel like me. Feminine. Vikki.

And it’s nice.

Much Love,

 

Vikki

Evening gorgeous xx

You all good today? I hope so. If not, I give you my very best wishes and will say; “Be Patient, the wheel of fortune always turns in our favour in the end”. Love & Light, etc.

Today’s post is about emotions. Not strong ones, not bad ones, not overly good ones. Just emotions, feelings and the power of being a woman. Which is what I am.

You see, last week I went and spoke to my doctor about something I’d been thinking about for a long time; ever since I started to Transition, in fact. What I wanted to speak to him about; was changing my treatment slightly. Adding something into the mix which, I believed, would help. However; when he started me on HRT, he advised against adding it in as he believed it would do more harm than good. And he didn’t want that.

I don’t blame him – No doctor wants to see their patient get worse. And his belief, justifiably so, was that adding the hormone Progesterone into my treatment mix would not cause any lasting, positive effects. At my age, that is understandable. If I were genetically female, I would be in Menopause by now and Progesterone wouldn’t help; it would hinder my progress massively. Somehow though, for whatever reason, I knew differently – I can’t explain why myself, I just knew. So I talked to him and requested he add it; which, reluctantly, he did.

Well there was nothing for a day or two, not much; I felt a little calmer but that was about it. Over the course of the week though, I could feel myself getting worse. Tense. An inner tension I had never felt before and I didn’t know how to deal with it. My only way of dealing with it was to ignore it, hoping it would go away. It’s just another emotional outburst coming on, that’s all. It was more than that though, I was losing control. I was acting out but in a controlled, distributed way. Like I knew what I was doing, knew it had to happen and was doing just that, letting it happen. An inner sense inside me told me it was right; but I wasn’t listening, the radio was off.

It came on, violently, over the weekend. Not a physical violence; I hasten to add, but an emotional one. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror, I kept seeing Bert; not Vikki. I cried when I did so and no matter what I did to make me look like Vikki in the mirror, it just ended up going wrong. Everything ended up going wrong.

On Friday, I had an appointment for my routine injection. I’d been given the prescription to collect myself and take to the appointment; as I was learning to inject myself, in order to make life easier. So I went in, the Nurse opened the box, read the instructions, looked at the dosage, and stopped dead in her tracks.

“I’ll have to take this up with a doctor, it’s the wrong dose”, she said.

Before I knew what was happening, she was gone, and I was on my phone doing the research we would most likely have done together. We were right, but there was a way of making the dose safe, by giving me just one vial of the liquid and not two. But it was too late for that, she was gone.

When she came back in, she said she’d spoken to a different doctor and they had withheld the dosage for safety reasons – they wanted to speak with the specialist and they though I should be fine until they had. They’d had to research the drug themselves first, as they knew nothing about it, but they didn’t want to give me the drug. Not that they’d been in to see me and discussed the drug with me, as I knew a lot about it.

I understand WHY they did it, don’t get me wrong; but I felt an uncontrollable rage building within me, so I made my apologies; advised I was OK (I wasn’t, I was extremely worried as this drug HAS to be given on time) and left. And as I left, I posted with reception that I wasn’t happy, at all, and requested my doc call me – He hasn’t as of writing this, but that is by the by.

If Friday night was awful, Saturday was even worse. I don’t think I remember much about Saturday, it’s a big foggy. What I do recall, was pissing my best friend off (as detailed in a previous post), I couldn’t stop myself from doing it – See “The Dutch Girl” for more information on that one.

Sunday, was hell on earth. Dysphoria was rife, I could see I was dysphoric, I couldn’t stop crying, I couldn’t comfort myself and I felt like utter, utter shit. Damn.

Then a strange thing happened, my mirror fell off the living room wall; all on it’s own. I didn’t do anything to assist it and it was secured to the wall very well – No reason for it to fall off at all. It was at that point though something hit me – Ring your best mate. Do not pass go, do not collect £200, make the call. I did. I said I wasn’t feeling well, I was very Dysphoric, I was in hell and I didn’t feel like I could get out. And I wouldn’t be over for dinner as we’d agreed days earlier. I worried her, I know I did.

She got on with her day, and I went to sleep; for a very long time. When I woke, she had messaged me asking if I was OK. I was, I said so. We discussed the weekends events and I blurted out how I felt. We both said it at the same time – You’ve come on your Period!

Nah! Get the fuck out of here! Trans Women can’t have periods? Can they? I haven’t had one YET! – There’s a first time for everything…

But they can have period symptoms, and that’s EXACTLY what the emotions feel like, all I missed was the physical pain – My stomach hurt a bit, but I assumed that’s because I was hungry as it wasn’t remotely painful; just uncomfortable. But other than that and being a bit achy, no real pain at all. She called me a Lucky Bitch and changed the subject. Just as well really. I’m 95% certain she suffers with Endometriosis, and have suggested that to her. I went back to sleep, exhausted.

Today has been a lot better, I’ve had a lot more energy than I’ve had in the last 12 months, I’ve been a lot more focused than I’ve been recently and I’ve even had a telephone interview with a recruiter and NEVER bothered to mention I was Trans; as I didn’t care. He treated me like a Woman and I was happy with that – Hopefully a positive outcome? We’ll see.

And then there was tonight.

Well I do have to say a massive big thank you to another friend of mine; for doing something they don’t realise they’ve done, yet. They will, but not at the time of writing this post. I’ll see them tomorrow and explain all.

You see, all they did was ask me for help. They’ve got some issues which I’m not going to divulge; it wouldn’t be fair and they needed to get home. Taxis were being stupidly slow and they were worrying unnecessarily. So they called me. And I’d just got out of the shower and was relaxing on the bed, trying to have some me time to myself; but in the back of my mind, knowing it was pointless – If I’m honest, I had a feeling I was getting a call from someone but I didn’t know who, or why, so I was kinda edgy; hence the relaxation time.

Well I told them I’d just got out of the shower. And they were OK with that, no problem they’d wait for a taxi – 15 minutes minimum, probably longer. And then one of my butterflies fell off the wall. Weird…

Shit don’t fall off my walls, I was a cisgender man for 45 years and the male in several heterosexual relationships – I was taught to be a man. So as a woman, I’m not gonna need a man; I’m gonna WANT one. I do, eventually, just not yet; I’m enjoying being a woman, being me, so I don’t care about a relationship at the moment, it’ll happen when it’s ready to. And that’s the big difference for me. I don’t NEED men, I can it myself thank you.

“Shit don’t fall off my walls!”…

Fuck. It’s a sign. Get up, get dressed, go help them. Don’t argue, do – The switch had flipped. I texted back and said I’d be there in 10. The reply was that the taxi would be 15. I responded with; “The race is on then?”. Got dressed and left, not thinking about a damned thing.

There was an issue along the way which took my mind off things somewhat; due to a silly person who didn’t know how to drive (brake testing the car behind at a crossing when the lights are on green and nobody wants to cross is a pretty stupid move – I wasn’t tailgating you; you idiot, you just thought I was. I KNOW there was enough braking room), but that’s by the by. I got there, jumped out of the car and opened the boot… And realised, I had no makeup on. My hair wasn’t done. I wasn’t wearing any of my “extras” that I use to look feminine.

Yet I felt more feminine than I’d ever done before. I felt proud to be a woman. I felt proud to be a woman who will help her friends when they need it; but is strong enough to take control and say no when they don’t. I felt like I’d broken the ice on my new life as a woman. I felt, almost, complete.

Wow.

We got back, had a brew and a natter. Everything felt normal, I felt normal. They gave their opinion that I looked good without make-up and that they didn’t see it until they were told. And it all just felt reassuringly female, reassuringly normal. And I felt like me – Finally.

When I got home, I looked in the mirror and cried tears of joy. This is me. This is Vikki Kinsella. Hello at last and good to meet you. But hold on, haven’t I said that before?

Something is working then… 😉

Much Love,

Vikki xx

Morning gorgeous xx

How are you all today? Good I hope. Well this is another ‘Middle of the Night’ post. That seems that be the time of night when my emotions are heightened – For whatever reason that may be.

Tonight is no exception. Tonight I have done something I’d been meaning to do for a long time. Something I’d been advised to do; in order to understand myself a whole lot better – See something for myselfx for the first time…

On quite a few occasions I’ve been advised to watch a certain film. One which will either ring so true; it’s a revelation, or ring so false, I’d know the truth about who I am. What was it I was asked to do? You ask. Well I was told to watch “The Dutch Girl”. The story of one of the first Trans Women to ever undergo Gender Confirmation Surgery – The Sex Change operation, to put it in broader terms. Well, lets be honest about this; if there’s any doubt in my mind as to whether I’m Trans or not, whether I should be a woman or not, this film was going to bring it out.

And it didn’t. Thank you.

Alright. I’ll let you in on a little secret, I’ve been having some doubts. Come on, you can’t say that it doesn’t stand to reason I’d have doubts with a Transition that happened so explosively, can you? Especially with my history? Seriously, I just didn’t want to tell anyone. Not yet. I want to be a girl, always wanted to be a girl, but I wasn’t ready to be a girl. If that makes sense. So I’ll be straight about it – I didn’t want to come out emotionally as a girl, to the world, until I was sure; 100% that I was one.

I’ve transitioned in a lot of areas of my life, Work, Family, etc. As I knew it was the right choice. I’d transitioned personally; and am now living as a girl, I’d transitioned externally, and dress as a woman, but what I’d failed to do was to show vulnerability, as a girl. To actually let anyone see me, emotionally, how I really feel. How hard it can be to follow this path, and show who you really are; when you’d worked so hard to go in the opposite direction, is insane. You try and hold on to who you once we’re, and you find it very difficult to let go. It’s the familiar shell, the person you’ve always been. The old, well worn, sweater. But when you’re faced with the inevitable – you, yourself, staring back at you in the mirror – you need to be ready for it. Because it’s bloody hard to do.

I knew that if I watched that film; becoming emotionally vulnerable is exactly what would happen. Because, if I was right, then I would relate to the film in every possible way, I’d understand it (and me) perfectly and I was scared of that. But that is; exactly, what happened, I related to everything about that film. I had bit of help to do it – I was scared. Scared of seeing myself, scared of realising who and what I am, and scared, strangely, of not being alone. Strange? – So I took a little something to chill me out a bit (obtained in a way which was going to leave me extremely vulnerable) and then sat down to watch the film, later my best friend (who may not be after this) was calling over to retrieve said something as it was hers. I’m not going into detail, but I should have told her what I was doing, and I didn’t, and to her, directly, I apologise for that.

But look, as I said, the film is about Lili Elbe, the first person to complete a medical transition from Male to Female – Complete with Ovaries & Uterus. It details her changes as she transitions from a man to a woman. It details her relationships and how they change as she moves through her transition. And it also dramatises that journey in a way which is designed to provoke an emotional response – the one thing I was scared of! But I did it though, and I did my research afterwards; so I had the real story behind the film (as best I could) – facts are all important here.

I do need to stress (if anyone has seen the film, or intends watching it), that although it is, in fact, medically possible – If the patient is prepared to take immunosuppressants for the rest of her life – To transplant a functioning Womb and Ovaries into another woman, it’s not really ethically possible. I mean, no matter how much you want it, no matter how much you want to be a complete woman (as you see it), it’s never going to happen because can you really imagine what would happen as a result? Society as a whole just isn’t ready yet for anyone to take that final step…

And then it hit me.

That’s a very similar attitude to a woman who has had her uterus removed, after hysterectomy for example. That’s how they feel after the surgery, until they learn to cope with the change and become the woman they really should be; again – I’ve seen it with my mum, she went through all of that. But now I understand, and now I understand why her going through that; hit me so hard.

I am a woman, and I feel the same way; as any woman should do.

Well then I took the pair out of my handbag; and I got up, and I looked in the mirror. And a saw a woman staring back at me for the first time. No, I mean really – When I looked, I saw a woman in the mirror. And liked who I saw, I liked the woman in the mirror, I liked (and saw) Vikki, I liked (and saw) me.

Now I thought about this part before I posted it. And I think I’m right to post it as I need to balance the scales a bit. But this entire event has quite a revelation to me, enlightening in fact – Yeah it has all been about me again, and I should apologise for that, it’s self-centred. A bit like how I’ve been recently in the rest of my life, selfish, without realising it. So I’m going to self efface with all of this because I don’t want any negative, or positive, statements. In fact, I don’t want a reaction from anyone at all. So please, don’t give me one; unless you really think I deserve it and you’ve thought about it first, then fine, otherwise just don’t do it, please.

The reason for this is that there are people out there who will say that I shouldn’t self efface, that I’ve not been selfish recently, I’m a nice person. But there also people who think I should and that I should apologise for being selfish, whatever their reason (I suspect some of my friends probably feel the same right now). The thing is though, we’re all human. we’re all correct in our opinions, as human beings and we are all entitled to our opinion, as human beings. There’s nothing wrong with that. What you need to know though, is that I do hear every word everyone of you says and I try to take it on board; which makes me emotionally vulnerable, without realising it. But doesn’t all of this make me right, with regards to myself? I can’t be wrong when it comes to myself; can I? No. Surely not. I am human after all – just the same as you.

Well obviously I am, or I wouldn’t have done what I did.

Thing is though, this is all a learning process for me and when we learn best we open ourselves up to new ideas and new information. But that can also leave us vulnerable; as those ideas and / or the new information may not fit our criteria that we, as a person, want ourselves to stand up to (whether we know it or not). And vulnerability is a weakness isn’t it?

Well actually no and this is clearly where I’ve been going wrong. As a female; vulnerability should be seen as a strength, not a weakness. Because it is seen as a sign of femininity. What a strong woman needs to know; is when and when not, to show that vulnerability and what to do to get out of the situation they’re in, if they feel they’re being misused because of it. What I have managed to figure out is that to a woman, feeling & intuition are much more important than raw strength. If you know what’s coming, you can deal with it before it hurts you…

So I lay myself bare for all to see. Judge me as you will because I know I’ve upset a long time friend by doing something selfish in order to try and deal with my own issues. The flip side of that though, is that I can see things a little more clearly. And I am happy with what I can see because I can be happy for me –  For once in my life. (although I’m still as confused as shit about the whole deal and it’s going to take some time to work that out)

But I’m sorry for what I did, I am. However, without doing it; I don’t think I’d have learnt as much as I did or be able to see what I can see. Time to grow up into the woman Vikki should always have been…

Much Love,

 

Vikki xx

Morning Gorgeous xx

How are you all today? I hope you’re all good? If not my thoughts are with you all…

One of the biggest problems I’m facing with my transition (and I suspect this is the case for most Trans people), is working out who you actually are. Who are you going to become and what type of person are you in reality? Remember that, typically, Dysphoria usually means you’re living inside a mirror-glass box. With the reason for the Dysphoria typically being what causes the mirrors to exist and take effect – you can’t see past them. Once your outside of that box though, the world is a completely different place. You soon learn that your reactions to the world around you, and it’s reaction to you, can be very surprising – Almost a shock, sometimes.

That’s what is happening to me at the moment – I’m trying to get back into the world of work, I’m trying to deal with the problems associated with not being in work and I’m trying to remove the barriers, from a long term perspective, so that I stay in work. And in a job that I enjoy and can sustain me.

So my employment adviser asked me to do a basic Meyers-Briggs analysis. He wanted to find out what my personality type was, and from that he can then understand what type of role within my chosen industry(s) that I should be doing. Well, I thought I need to help myself and resolve my issues, so I did the test. I wish I hadn’t, but I did the test. Here’s my results:

Yeah, thanks for that – Characteristics of more than one personality type, great.

The main issue here is the clash with Introversion over Extroversion. This one really does speak for itself, and it’s one I already knew about because I can be both, depending on how I feel. I kind of have this switch, you know, that I can turn on and off. And I can’t really identify what triggers it, but, it’ll flip me from Introvert to Extrovert and back again at a moments notice. Handy.

Yet there’s the other problem, which is not so obvious. There is a slightly less marginal preference for Thinking / Feeling (6%). My score is just outside the boundary for what would be considered marginal but not enough to indicate a strong preference – Hello!

I had an idea about this being an issue, but seeing it in black and white is a whole different ball game. You see; when I get bored, I start to think – In great detail. And when I’m not bored and have a lot to do; I’m usually an extrovert and I’m out there with the pack. So is boredom the trigger then? No, because too much to do and I’ll procrastinate; which will lead to boredom. I hate my life, it’s a vicious circle. This is a very Black & White personality trait as well, it’s either On or Off; no in-between. I’m either out there, or I’m in there – Period.

Anyone for either BiPolar Disorder or BPD? Been there, it’s not that. I am Autistic (Asperger Syndrome) if that helps.

To try to resolve the problem; I reverted to the thinking side of my personality, which I always do. And I read the profiles (from more than one site) for all four personality types which I thought might apply:

The four in Purple are the ones that apply to me. So put them together and I’m basically the Visionary Thinker who Inspires people through Ideology. Head in the clouds spring to mind? – Yeah, I get that. Sure as eggs are eggs (and not chickens) though; I have aspects of all four different types in my personality – Now we can go all Jung & Freudian here and say that we can all relate to all sixteen different types in some way, and I get that. But when all four do actually stand out as being you; there’s a problem – Especially when you clearly can’t relate to any of the others, it’s just not there…

How do I deal with this problem then? Well I’m relating this to work-based scenarios, so what kinds of jobs, broadly speaking, do these four personality types suit? So if you were going to choose a career SOLELY based on your Meyers-Briggs type, what would it be?

Well I’ll list the basic jobs for the four types that matter below:

• ENTP:- Attorney at Law, Psychologist, Entrepreneur, Photographer, Consultant, Engineer, Scientist, Actor, Sales Rep, Marketing Rep, Computer Programmer, Systems Analyst
• INTP:- Scientist, Physicist, Chemist, Photographer, Strategic Planner, Mathematician, University Professor, Computer Programmer, Systems Analyst, Technical Writer, Engineer, Attorney, Judge, Forensic Research, Park Ranger, Mechanic
• ENFP:- Consultant, Psychologist, Entrepreneur, Actor, Teacher, Counsellor, Politician / Diplomat, Writer / Journalist, Television Reporter, Computer Programmer / Systems Analyst, Scientist, Engineer, Artist
• INFP:- Writers, Counsellors / Social Workers, Teachers / Professors, Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Musicians, Clergy / Religious Workers

These are by no means an exhaustive list but I hope you get the type of jobs that should suit that person. It’s not always right but it’s a start.

Well several of these job types stood out to me immediately. And anyone who knows me well; will know what they are. For those that don’t, here’s another list (picking out those that are repeated from the four different personality types as they’re the ones that stood out):

• Consultant
• Engineer
• Computer Programmer
• Systems Analyst
• Writer / Journalist
• Psychologist / Counsellor
• Scientist
• Artist / Musician
• Teacher / Professor

See anything? Yeah, pick a job doing one of the above and it’s a pretty safe bet for me; based on what you’ve just read. However, if you know me well; you will have spotted something straightaway. If you don’t, then it might help you to know that I have worked in the IT & Technical Support / Customer Service industry’s for over 30 years, and my passions outside of that are usually in some way creative (Music & this blog for example). Oh, and I’m very active on Quora; the Q&A site, at the moment as well.

I do it to myself every time…

Now I don’t know how the Meyers-Briggs personality types were worked out. But I’d heard of the test before. And I knew there was sixteen different Meyers-Briggs types; but I’ve NEVER done a Meyers-Briggs myself before. EVER. No word of a lie here. It’s something the HR people want you to do, and something I’d actively tried to avoid. On top of that, if you seen my CV, you’d get what I’m trying to say straightaway. It’s like I just know, and do, but I haven’t got a clue what I know. It sucks ass.

In fact, you can see for yourself. As before I transitioned, I used to use a CV site known as NETCV to advertise myself – I’ve pointed many a recruiter in that direction as part of the application process. The profile is still up and I can’t take it down as it won’t let me in to remove it, so I gave up on it.

Go here: Net CV and see for yourself. Meanwhile I’ve still got to find a job…

Much Love,

Vikki xx

Evening gorgeous xx

Just a quick note (well in all honesty half of these posts should be quick notes but my writing technique sucks)… I’ve been asked to give a presentation on my life story. I have 15 minutes to tell it – that’s not going to be easy 😂.

But it’s something to focus on. And guess what I haven’t been doing a lot of recently…

Added to the list.

Vikki xx