MtF Transition | FeelingTrans

Morning All,

How are you all doing doing today? Hope you’re in a better place than I am.

You see; something is knocking me for six recently; and I can only guess, in the turmoil I call my life, what it is. It’s changing me, so it could be the Transition. It’s making me angry, so it could be some of the things that have happened – and there’s been a few. I want to hide, so it could be the pressure. And I want to run away, so it could; literally, be me. But either way, I don’t feel right and I’m finding it very difficult to tell the people around me what it is.

There’s two problems in trying to sort it out – and both are the reasons why I’m writing this now. The first, is there’s so many places I can start in trying to sort it out, I don’t know where to begin. And I mean that, I LITERALLY don’t know where to begin. There’s so much going around in my head it’s ridiculous. If I were to sit someone down and talk about it we would need a full day to get through it all, and thats before you start giving me solutions to the issues at hand.

The second, and this is going to upset a few people. Is I’m fed up with talking to people and not being listened to. Fed up with asking for help and not getting it when I need it, or getting the help that people think I need and not what I actually want, or ask for.

And when I say I’m fed up, I’m fucking fed up. There’s two posts on this blog that I’ve taken down for different reasons; mainly because they upset someone and they didn’t think they shouldn’t be up. So I listened, and I took them down. Well I’m sorry folks, this is my fucking blog; not yours and there’s only me and you that know why the fucking post is there. If it upsets you that I wrote it, and you can’t deal with that, is that really my fucking problem? I don’t think so.

Transitioning is hard. It’s very fucking hard. And I started this blog so people can understand how hard it actually is. What really goes on in the mind of someone who is transitioning. What emaotions you feel, what actions you take – and why. This blog is meant to be hard-hitting, it’s meant to deal with issues people don’t talk about. It’s supposed to get right to the core. And for me it does because it’s my safe place to write what I want to write. It’s my diary. These are my feelings. And it’s up to me if I want to put them in a public place or not.

This gutless wonder does actually have a pair of balls. She’s just spent most of her life trying to fucking hide them.

Now there’s a reason why I have had to hide them. And I was talking about that reason to someone this morning. And I think that person agreed with me, Although I am worried that they, and others, think I’m losing it. They could be right, but I think I’m finding it. I think I’m finding my voice, albeit a little indiscriminately at the moment.

It’s the indiscriminate part that people are pissed off at. Don’t blame you, who wouldn’t – this isn’t easy for me to go through, so there’s no way in hell it’s going to be easy for you to watch. It’s not meant to be easy to handle but I mean, christ, people think I’m going crazy. But then look at it from a Male perspective, Men who don’t understand think women are crazy, and vice-versa. Bioth sides of that are true aren’t they? Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus??…

Well hello folks, I’m right smack in the middle of the fucking two – welcome to my world.

Much Love,

Vikki xx

Morning gorgeous xx

Or afternoon, evening, night, whatever it may be where you are. I just hope you’re having fun and you’re enjoying life doing it. Because thats all that matters in the long run.

So, yet another post and yet another story from the effervescent life that is mine. When the hell is it all going to calm down and be peaceful & quiet? Knowing my luck and past history, probably never. I suspect I was put on this planet to write an entertaining story, and it’s looking like my life that is probably it. That sucks, but whatever.

Now I suppose you’re probably wondering where the attitude has come from this morning? Tell me that you’re not? I won’t believe you, I do have one hell of an attitude this morning. The question is, do I have a good reason?

Well the answer is yes, sort of. It was a bad day, yesterday and it wrought havoc with my head, and brought out some changes. Some necessary; some not so necessary.

Firstly, it was my son’s birthday, he turned five. I wasn’t there to see it though. As you know, I haven’t seen him since I transitioned; so it was hard, very hard. I was also told that he now calls someone else “daddy”; which, as any father will tell you is the most heart wrenching thing in the world to find out. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, why I’m doing it or what I’ll do in the future – Genetically, he is my son, I am his father, I was his dad the day he was born. That cannot be changed. When he first used the word daddy; he was referring to me. It was a heart wrenching moment for me. And to find out on his birthday, that I cannot be present for, stabbed me right through my heart.

But I must be strong. Because the true purpose of a dad; is to show your children that you can grow up to be whoever, and whatever you want to be. There should never be any limits on that. So when my son comes looking for me, that is what I must be able to show him, however hard that journey might be.

Secondly, I lost a friend. A good friend. A family of friends. It’s a situation I’m not happy about, but one I’m happy to accept. Which is very strange. They deserve some happiness, and it has come at the right time for them. But for me; it is bittersweet. As I was going through this pain, I needed help. And I chose them to help me, but they couldn’t. They couldn’t because what they needed to help them resolve a situation they were in came at the same moment I was in my deepest pain. I was hurt that they couldn’t help me; but I’m happy that they have received some good news, as they truly deserve the best in everything.

I’ve had to back away; as the pain of the last few days has been so great. Great enough for me to realise that I cannot destroy anyone else’s happiness because of it. Because how is that fair? It is not, and should never be. Sometimes life isn’t fair, and there are winners & losers in every situation. This time I was the loser and I must lose gracefully, for if I do not; it is not a loss, it is a travesty. I wish them all the best and I hope that one day we can enjoy success together again. But that day is not today.

Both of those events put me in a situation where I left myself open to abuse. And I nearly allowed it to happen. I was nearly abused by someone. I kept control however and allowed myself to be used; in order to learn something new. Which I did. The lesson was personal and I will not explain it here. But I am thankful for it, as without it I would be unable to move forward in my transition.

I know now who I am, I am sure of my personality, and I am grateful for the lessons I have learned. Hopefully, it is onward and upward from here on in. The future is not ours to see; but I hope it is a lot brighter than the recent past.

Time will tell.

Much love,

Vikki xx