Morning Gorgeous xx

How you all doing today? Hope you’re all doing great and life is fab. If anyone isn’t having a great time at the moment, you have my prayers that better times are just around the corner. As I do hope that they are. But anyway, to the title of this post. As it must have you wondering what the hell I’m talking about? Right? No, you got it straight-away, really? Let me explain, and then we will see if you did. Because I’m not convinced you’re 100% there if you haven’t been through it.

A big issue for anyone who’s just starting out on the transitional journey, is the use of public toilet facilities. At some point in your transition you HAVE to start using public facilities of the opposite gender. Whether you like it or not. And most Trans people do, that’s what they want. Although, I can be a bit (very) scary at first; especially at my age and the type of transition I’m going through.

So, using me as an example (and I’ll add images later so you can see), I’m already dressing and working as a woman – And I’m told I look good, definitely passable, even at this point in the transition. As I’m Male to Female, that makes it REALLY difficult to use Men’s public facilities. Not that most men would care about this too much. They’d look at me a bit strange, but they’d just put it down to the ladies being full and it being an emergency. And likely wouldn’t even think that if a young enough child was present. But women, on the other hand, can have a BIG problem with that. A cisgender male in a female public facility can find himself being arrested and placed on the sex offenders register if he doesn’t have a good reason to be there, no child and you’re doomed.

Some things will take time to change.

There are still women out there though, particularly of the older generations, who still have a problem with Trans Women. The attitude “You’re not a Woman”, when you clearly are, still persists in some circles – It’s been thrust at me, full force and I didn’t like it. On the other hand, most women just generally find it intimidating; and need a bit of time to feel more comfortable around a strange woman – who has male parts – but acts like a woman – but sounds like a man. Do you see what I mean?

In any event, with the advent of gender-neutral facilities,;this shouldn’t be a problem for much longer. The world is changing, and if you really are screwed, there’s always a disabled facility. Or is there…

THAT, is toiletgate. Right there.

You see, where I work, all of the above came into play, really quickly. I transitioned in December, changed my name, and started coming into work as I finally wanted to be known, and dressed accordingly.

It. Was. Liberating. I’ve never felt so good in my life.

The only problem was, that being a rather explosive transition, I needed to think about other people. It wasn’t just going to affect me. So I offered to use the disabled facilities in work; for a short period of time, until things had calmed down. They’re the only gender neutral facilities in the building. The only problem with that, is that there were a limited number of disabled facilities and they’re quite far away from my desk. But such is life, as I thought, it would only be a few weeks at most and I could cope with that – Even though my bladder control had gone out of the window along with my male persona.

So we reach New Year. New Year, New Start. And I advise HR that from the first week in January, I would be using the correct facilities for my new gender. The law says I can, everything else looked good and I thought I had a good body of support behind me (I do, no issue there). I also had a reason to expedite the change, so it had to happen. And I thought everything would be fine, enough time had passed. But I wasn’t expecting what happened next.

Let me give you some background, and I have to be careful not to give too much away – But I was kind of forced into the decision. The nearest facility that I was using; was also directly in front of a different company,  who are in the same building. And EVERY time I used the facility, someone would try to access it while I had my Trousers or Dress around my knees. And this, to me, is rude – That’s how I was brought up, I’m a 70’s child; things were different. If someone’s on the toilet and you can’t be certain it’s in use, you knock on the door. It’s respectful, it’s Adult, it’s the right thing to do. Isn’t it?

Apparently not, at least that’s how I now feel about it.

When it first started happening, I let it go. I have a son, he has flung the bathroom door open on me while I’ve been having the morning constitutional many times – And then shouted at me for being there. My presence was required, by him, elsewhere. Get on with it Dad, this is MY time; not yours, sort it out – He’s my son, after all.

But it was happening EVERY SINGLE TIME I was on the toilet. And in a short space of time, it grated on me; a lot, like the fires of hell. So I collared someone one day, who I could clearly see didn’t need to use the facility, and I asked then what they were doing, and they told me. They were taken aback at being asked though, which I thought was very strange. I admit, I was a little harsh in the way I asked; but not overly so, just direct questioning – No introductions, so to speak. Yeah, if you want to call me rude, do it; but re-read this post before you do, just to get it straight in your head. Anyway, I was told they were allowed to use the facility as an extra toilet, and I was taken aback; that’s not normal in the UK. Disabled facilities are separate and need to kept free – that’s the law. Their for the use of disabled persons and I shouldn’t really be using them, but I had no choice and I am classed as disabled anyway, so the law is a little bit on my side.

But it didn’t stop and it happened again. So I complained, to both the company and our HR. Issues were starting to boil and needed sorting out.

So were back the point where I’m going into the Ladies. I see I’ve got no choice, I NEED the loo and there’s an issue with the one I’m using. I’m scared witless of using the female toilet but I don’t know what else to do. So I call HR and I advise them I’m ready. I’m not, but it’s ‘Bull by the Horns’ situation. The one’s I deal with best. But alas, no, I’m not going in yet. Concerns were raised by other female members of staff in my department when they were told what would be happening – they need more time. I can’t not agree, I’ve offered them time just not enough apparently. But please; what do you want me to do. I didn’t have to offer, the law is clear; once I transitioned, I could use the Ladies, no questions asked. And I’ve got a BIG issue with then Gender Neutral (Disabled).

A side issue is going on around the “You’re not a woman” point that I raised in the beginning, and I’ve got a complaint against member of staff but It wasn’t raised yet. In any event, this boils over and I head home, I want blood and it’s not a good idea for me to get it.

In swings the bosses and HR. This needs sorting out. Now.

Next up is a 2 hour meeting with me, my boss and HR. Where I clearly explain what is going on and that I’m not happy –  A duty of care for all members of staff is fine, and I’m happy to use a different facility; but it’s not working out with this one. I’m told it’s the only option and it was my decision, just give them more time – I agree. They’re right, no denying it; no matter what the law says or what I feel, that’s the way it is – I said it first. For me, at this point, it’s put up and shut up. And being the type of person I am, I actually agree with that; it’s just VERY difficult where my privacy is concerned, so it can’t go on forever. There’s also going to be a point where the other staff are going to have to put up and shut up too – I mean, what happens if one of these idiots successfully manages to open the door. I get a feeling there’ll be fireworks, I’m VERY protective of my privacy when I need it. In all honesty, that would not be a pretty day in the office, or hell as it would quickly become. I know I’d lose it and that’s a big No-No. I just felt that day was rapidly approaching, and it scared me. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost control.

As a way attempting to sort it out, building maintenance got involved. A notice went on the door advising users to check the handle. I was told, by building maintenance, that eventually some kind of upgrade to the lock would be fitted – it was just being looked into, and it was being treated as urgent. That appeased me a little bit more. And for a few days everything was fine. But then there was a weekend and during weekends everyone forgets. Come the Monday morning, I head the little girls room and I do my business. All is fine you would think? Hahaha, gotcha – No.

The damn door near comes off it’s hinges while I’m in there. I hear the other companies door go, I hear two steps and then boom. Luckily it didn’t open, but it was close one. I LOST IT. I shouted at whoever was outside, the words “excuse me”; very loud. I finished my business and I left the toilet, then I waited. Someone was going to come back round the corner in a moment, right into the jaws of hell – I didn’t care, I was pissed. Luckily for them it never happened though. Our office manager appeared first and politely asked me what I was doing. I’m quite an honest character, even when I see red. So I told her, no reason to lie. I was quickly dragged off to one-side and told in no uncertain terms not to be where I was and DO NOT do what I was about to do. Understandable, and rightly so. They have a point. It would have gone off.

At this point though, I’m not sure if she fully understood my perspective. There were members of her team who raised concerns and she has a right to be protective of that. So I do wonder if having that perspective maybe clouded mine in her mind a bit. Again, I’m a straight-forward girl and I like to see all sides of an argument, even when pushing my own. Therefore, her perspective was for me to calm down. Try and see thing as they are and get used to the situation, it will resolve itself in time. There was relationship between the two companies and this issue was putting it in jeopardy, calm the **** down.

Well of course it will resolve itself in time. I agree, it has to. But it’s just not going to happen while I’m using that toilet. Whatever situation has gone before needs to change if I have to go in there, it is at great odds with my personal privacy. I feel it was getting discriminatory pretty quickly as I’m forced into using a facility that I clearly can’t. Even if the situation is of my own making. I was trying to be helpful but I had NO idea this was going on, and there’s was NO way I was making it my problem. Personal privacy to me is paramount. I’ll tell you what I want you to know, for example. It just couldn’t go on and there was no way I having anyone tell me that it would.

A solution was very quickly found.

There is a set of toilets in that building that very few people know about, as they’re hidden behind a door in an area of the building where it’s obvious if the facility is in use. And it’s not a long walk to the next nearest. And guess what, it’s Male and Female – NO disabled or gender neutral. The staff that do use it are aware and are very pleasant about it’s use. If the door is shut, someone is in there.

And now I’m allowed to use it. I CAN use a public female toilet after all.

Anyone want to call me a B***h right now? Please do, I think I found my inner b***h over this – I do need to know who she is. But I honestly thought I’d given people enough time, and there was the Christmas break in the middle. So did I misjudge something? Clearly I did – I misjudged people and their feelings, and people can be as protective of their feelings and privacy as I can, so I get it. But I think I got it in the beginning as well, so maybe that wasn’t it. What I think I didn’t get, and I reacted badly to, is how rude people can be when they think they have a right to something and that right is being taken away from them – Whether or not that right actually exists in law. If they think it’s theirs, get out of the way because they’re not letting it go.

My male persona would have fought tooth and nail for the underdog (the disabled in this case) and would have been like a dog with a bone – no way would he have let it go. Once he had the bone, tough. But then so will my female; or my natural, persona – They’re one and the same after all, just one was an adaptation of the other trying to fit in with the world around it. But here’s the difference. As a woman, the feelings spill quicker and then they’re gone, they dissipate. I’m not angry at what or why this happened, I just wanted a solution that allowed me some privacy. So I’ve backed down quicker, and I see the level playing field sooner. I still have travel to a toilet, a lot further than I need to – but I don’t have an issue with that toilet, and using it is keeping the peace for all concerned. The dog will give up the bone if you just let it bark for a minute, because it’s not really interested in the bone unless you throw it and ask it to play fetch.

Food for thought isn’t it.

Love you all.

 

Vikki xx

Morning Gorgeous xx

Because you are, all of you, in your own unique way. And that doesn’t always have to be physically beautiful. The pain and psychological discomfort caused by looking in a mirror, and seeing someone you don’t like looking back at you, can be life threatening. It’s horrible, and it’s well known. I’m not going deep into that, although I could as I wouldn’t be who I am now if that didn’t happen to me. But I’m touching on the subject because it’s at the forefront of my mind this morning.

You see today, I’m happy. Not ecstatically happy. Not overjoyed. Not Bi-Polar (whoa, guys; calm down). I just feel good. I don’t want to go out and spend a million bucks, pounds for the die-hard English amongst us. I don’t want to go out and run through a field naked, I’d probably scare people. And I don’t want to hit the clubs and party, I’d rather spend a night in with close friends like I did last night.

So you get where I’m coming from though, it’s that slightly care-free, buoyant, happiness. That happiness where, as a woman, you get up in a morning and you do things with just that little touch of flamboyance. Guys, it’s the kind of movement where; when you see a bloke do it, you instantly think he’s gay, effeminate. Drag Queens and Gays, you’ll get it, but for ****’s sake do you lot go overboard – reign it in. Girls, it’s the little flick of the wrist, but not a flick, more a graceful movement. When your movements carry a certain, joi de vivre – but not, do you get me – don’t over think it and you’re getting close.

I’m doing it now, as I’m thinking. It’s little flicks of the fingers with your forefinger ending up on your lip.

Now as this is something I don’t feel very often. So, It’s nice when it comes along, as these moments should be treasured. Remembered. Wrote down :).

As you’ve guessed, today, I fell feminine – “Man, I feel like a woman”, lol. I feel positively feminine, like things appear to be changing for the better. Like I can look that little bit further forward but I don’t want to speak too soon though, because that would be bad. Although I do feel like that, if things carry on the way they are, the end result could mean that I get my life back together. And that’s a positive feeling.

But…

I looked in the mirror when I got up and Bert was staring back at me. I hadn’t put my make-up on – and still haven’t, but now it’s deliberate. Bert is who I used to be, Bert was a man. Bert was a crazy, angry, intelligent, slightly opinionated, eccentric, man. Bert had an interesting life. He started many things, he didn’t finish most of them – He was always chopping and changing his mind. Constantly running away from things, yet running towards something but not knowing what. He found himself in some interesting situations and via those he did some really important things. He also did some really bad things, things you should regret doing; but he didn’t. Bert was generally ****ed up, and everybody but Bert knew it.

Seeing Bert, and now my hair is growing, my / his dad, looking back at me; creates dysphoria. Bert is gone, he’s not coming back. I still get a lot of mail through my door for Bert, but that will drop off in time as I, Vikki take over. But Bert, for all intents, is dead.

Or is he…

I think this is where my viewpoint might differ from a lot of Trans people, and I certainly haven’t seen this mentioned anywhere. But I’ve decided I don’t want to forget my past. I’ve decided I don’t want to forget Bert. I’ve decided I don’t want a total transformation.

I’ve decided, and I cry to think about it, that Bert was my Brother.

And we were close.

I come from a big family anyway. I had 3 sisters and 1 brother. My mother had six brothers and My father had 1 brother &, I believe, one sister (but I can’t remember). My step father had a brother and a sister. My grandparents had multiple brothers and sisters. And they all had kids, there’s a few of us around.

I wasn’t close to my sisters though, and if they ever read this, they’ll know it – don’t call me, I’ll call you. I stopped talking to my brother in 2001 after A LOT of fighting – he just couldn’t get me; and he was the cause of a lot of my dysphoria (for a different reason) when I growing up. Outwardly, I had a good relationship with my mother and step-father, but if we’re all honest about it, it wasn’t real – there were unresolved issues.

But the relationship with me and Bert. It was different, and it’s going to be different. He lived in my body for 45 years. He shaped my body – He could’ve done a better job, but he was a man after all :). He did a lot of things for me. And he did a lot of things I wish he hadn’t have done, but it’s too late for that now. He also gave me a son, whom I love dearly. Overall Bert wasn’t that bad a bloke.

Bert also had a feminine side, me as it turns out and most of his friends were female. That was a BIG problem for Bert, being a man; we all know what Bert was thinking. If there was a place he could put it, he would if the opportunity arose – no questions asked. But he liked female company, he liked women, just not in the way a woman would want a man too. He loved talking to women and he loved helping them solve their problems, he was good at that. He loved having female friends, and I think women liked that about Bert because I know I do.

When I look in a mirror though, and I see Bert staring back at me. It’s a problem though, because he’s not around any more – He’s a ghost. And I don’t wake up until I put my war paint on. Every morning, I have a little cry about that and I have to learn to deal with it.

So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to accept it – I can do that. I accepted he came first for 45 years and I lived as him, for 45 years. He shaped my life and my body. He was me. He was my brother and I am his sister.

The haters, the negative people out there, the weirdo’s and those who have an issue with Trans people will all say I’m schizophrenic – I have mental health issue – I need help. Yeah, **** me I do, oh you’re so right, I have a mental health issue – I’m Autistic, I have Asperger Syndrome, a learning disability. I could do with some help with that. But this, I need help to understand this. I need help to come to terms with this. I need help to make Bert a part of my life, my past, that shaped me and who I am today. A part of my life that I can look back on without regret.

Or maybe I don’t. Maybe, just maybe, with a little patience and the will to understand, forgive and grieve, I can do this on my own.

And just maybe, so can you.

Lot’s of love,

 

Vikki xx

Morning Gorgeous, how are you doing?…

That’s my standard greeting and I use it a lot, so please; don’t be offended – We are all gorgeous in our own unique way…

But anyway, I woke up this morning with a particular thought in my head. A re-occurring thought, and one I wanted to talk about. But to get it, I need to tell you a story about an event that happened to me very early on in my Transition. So bear with me, then once it’s done; I’ll go into more detail about why I needed to write today.

So, as with every Trans individual; you reach a point where you have to pick a name for yourself, of the opposite gender. Now for most people, your parents would do that. And until you’re a parent yourself, you don’t know how to do that. Luckily; I am, and I’m also one of the last generations that will do this with any frequency – It’s the norm for me, but it won’t be for you kids out there, you’ll have help. But I actually digress. We can revisit this later, it’s another interesting topic.

Sticking with the story. Once you’ve changed your name, you then have to tell everyone else about it. That process is the same whether you’re Trans, you don’t like your old name, you hate your parent’s, or whatever – just get on with it. In my case, I rent my property and I had to tell my landlord and letting agent (realtor for you US folks). That involved me going into their office (shop), dressed as Vikki, carrying the necessary documentation and signing paperwork. Off I went – Wasn’t a problem, not for me anyway. When I got the office / shop / store / whatever I calmly walked in and headed left to the rental section, and sat down in-front of one of the agents. I then began my explaining my position and pulling out the documentation. She was lovely, I like her, she handled it brilliantly and we got everything sorted out. Magic.

While this was happening, however. I noticed a group of people over on the retail side. One of whom turned out to be an elderly gentleman, in his sixties. He looked, for all intent, like your typical English farmer gent – Boots, Jeans, Check Shirt, Body-warmer waistcoat, Grey Hair, Balding; you know the type – read Beatrice Potter if you dont. He strides across the shop, full gusto, straight at me. He leans over me like I’m a subset of the human race and says in his loudest possible voice (which got my attention – definitely!), “Are you a Man or a Woman?” – How Fucking Rude!

Talk about putting me on the spot. Thanks mate.

Well, I had seconds to think of a response. Anything else and I was history, he was about to make mincemeat out of me and I knew it. But. Even I was surprised at what I did next, it still gets me now – hence why I write this. What I did, was I looked him square in the eye, laser beams from my face so he knew I was deadly serious, and said to him: “Both”. Period. Soft, unassuming voice, conversational. And didn’t say anything else, didn’t need to. That was it. Your turn.

I have never seen a man shrink to the size of a mouse so fast in all my life. He nearly fell over stepping backwards. Lost his balance completely. I can’t describe his face, it wasn’t shock, horror or any of that type of emotion – maybe surprise. I think it was confusion, and I confused the hell out of him. But I did it in style.

He ran out of the shop. I think he said something to the effect of “I’m Leaving”, but I didn’t catch it. I’d turned away and carried on. Not that I could, the whole shop was instantly apologetic for what happened and at which point I was fending them off. But it’s not their fault, it’s his ignorance that’s the problem. The man has a lesson to learn and some reading to do. The world is changing around him, best he at acknowledges that; if nothing else.

It’s made me think though, and this is why I’m writing the post.

It’s taken me an hour to describe an incident that was over in under 15 seconds. It was that quick. Why has it taken me so long, and why I am I still thinking about it 3 months on. Well I’ll tell you why, and it ties up my previous two posts nicely. You’ll also get my attitude and why I’m going to carry on writing.

I am Trans. I am transitioning my body to match the personality of the individual inside it. Most people don’t have that problem. They accept their body as it is because it matches who they perceive themselves to be. Your body is interface to the world around you. And to use terms from IT, for most it’s a PC running Windows. Everyone knows it, it works, and you accept that.

Well I’m a PC running Linux.

And there’s my next post. Right there.

Good Morning Gorgeous…

 

Vikki xx

 

Well. It’s been a very interesting day today – definitely kept me on my toes. Friends are very supportive of this blog, so I’m definitely going to sort it out and keep it up. But I’ve also had some very interesting conversations in the smoking shelter at work! I’ll try and recall most of it but I can’t guarantee the content will be accurate – or suitable for younger audiences! 😲 lol…

So, here in the UK, the media is having a whale of a time focussing on the Transgender community; and the issues we face. And it’s gathering pace.

I’ve noticed four specific media events since I came out and started to transition. Yet before, as much as I was aware of the Trans community through friends. I had no idea there was so much going on.

Specifically, it started late last year with a Television programme on BBC2 called “Being Transgender”. It was part of the Horizon series of factual documentaries that predominantly focus on Human Interest issues from around the globe. The issues vary wildly across a broad spectrum of topics, but the focus is very direct in getting to the heart of the issue.

When the program was shown, I was already aware I was trans and at the very beginning of my transition. Therefore I identified with being transgender, but not with the greater community at large. The people who the filmmakers chose were, to me, broadly eccentric. On the edge of the Trans community, as I thought, and were single mindedly focussed on one particular issue. They were also extremely defensive of being Trans. I could not understand why.

Next came Piers Morgan this year, and at the same time Celebrity Big Brother 2018. But I’ll deal with them separately.

Piers Morgan first. His first program in his new series focussing on the private lives of Television and Media Celebrities was with a Transgender Icon who I’ve previously had a lot of trouble even relating to. That person was Caitlyn Jenner. Her story is well known, so I won’t repeat. But I will say, that the interview was very candid and forthcoming. I relayed to some of her issues. Especially regarding having to hide – although I think I did a better job of it 😂

But I still couldn’t get her attitude. Damn, that attitude.

Anyway. Next was CBB2018 and I was introduced to India Willoughby. This is a woman I really thought I could identify with. And as I discovered more of her story, I can relate more to it. I get it. Either you know, or you don’t, you hide or you don’t. You get angry, sad, depressed. Panic, Anxiety. All related to body dysphoria (I won’t use gender for the specific reason that I’m talking in physical terms – the mental issues are another story).

India was normal. My age and had transitioned. Well done. Or so I thought.

As the series continued, it became ever more apparent that India also has an issue, an issue I need to work out; because I don’t have it. I’m, as we say, laid back and pragmatic. Almost lying down in my approach. To most things my attitude is get over it, sort it and move on. But it seems transgender women are not like that. Is that what I am to become?

A particular issue that India faces is the issue of sexuality. I mentioned in my previous post that you would never have known I was a Trans Woman. And talking to a friend, she advises that all she knew; was that I was a little effeminate in my life but she couldn’t work out why. That’s fine, I was a straight, cisgender male. So was India. She is now a straight transgender female. As will I be. Honestly, get over it.

I’ll tell you what, I’ll give her a hand. I read a series of books a few years back called “The Sex Gates”. They’re interesting reading when it comes to trans issues as the story line revolves around mysterious gates that appeared worldwide and they change the sex of anyone who goes through them. They were written by Darryl Bain about 12 years ago. Go find them.

They basically say, if you’re sexually straight in one body, you will be straight in another. The problem is getting used to the fact that you now have a different set of sex organs and your sexual feeling will be different. Your personality remains the same. It’s still you, just different. And maybe better.

My point is that trans people seem to have this attitude of expecting other people to see things that way, but they can’t see it themselves.

Get over it.

There’s no way a man is consciously getting near me while I have male equipment. But once I’m female, I’m going to want sex with a man. Period. That’s what my breakdown was all about. I had to work that out for myself first. No doubt when the time comes I’ll make sure I’m ready for it.

Anyway, I said there were four things in the media and I’ve only mentioned three. The fourth one is a Television series on BBC2 called “Transformation Street”. Watching the first programme in the series moved me to tears and is the reason I write this now.

Go watch it if you can and post a response.

I have to go, I need to go fire some arrows. Back soon.

Love,

Vikki