Morning gorgeous xx

How you all doing today? Well I hope? Definitely better than me, that’s for sure.

I’m sorry to say that this could be last post in a very long while. Money is now incredibly tight and the services I need to keep my life on track are going to have to be cut, one by one – I have no choice. I’ve been unable to find a job and there isn’t a clear reason why. Seems like I’m unemployable because I’m Trans and I know I shouldn’t think like that but it’s hard to see it any other way.

In any event, no job and no money means I lose my car and if I lose my car, I can’t work – not around here. It’s too far out in the country. I’ll keep my flat, just, for a while anyway but I’ll lose services such as the internet. And you need that in this day and age.

I won’t be able to pay my debts, so I’m facing bankruptcy again. A second bankruptcy will destroy any plans for my future; as they’ll have to place a restrictions order on me, and I’ll be in my fifties before they lift it.

My bills are high, this flat is expensive to run as it’s all electric. So metered pay as you go is a nasty option when you’re not working. And housing benefit won’t cover my monthly rent. I’ll have to move, but where? A single Trans Woman in her 40s isn’t a priority on the housing list.

I should be able to work; but I can’t. I’ve two broken fingers that are not healing properly, so I’ve as good as lost the use of my right hand. Yet without work, I’m screwed.

I don’t want to go back home as there are reasons why I left, but my mum needs help. She’s just been diagnosed with cancer in her hip and is having radiotherapy treatment as we speak. She needs help and I’m in a position to give it to her, but at the expense of my own life; that I’ve worked so hard to build. If I’m honest though, she’s only got a few years left although I don’t know. It’s all about how the treatment goes.

So what do I do folks? How do I break out of this and get my life back on track? Any ideas gratefully received.

Much love to you all.

Vikki xx

Morning Gorgeous xx

How are you this morning? Are you well? I hope so xx

So. I haven’t posted in a while but there’s been a lot going on; and I apologise if I haven’t had the time. Those of you that know me well will know all of whats going on and for their sake I’m not going to repeat it all here. To be honest, it will take several posts to describe it all. For those that love a good story, I’ll go into detail in my next few posts. You’re not getting the juicy details though… For now just to whet your appetite, all I will say is that there have been quite a few changes, in almost all areas of my life.

Are you OK?

The obvious question, the first one I would have asked. And the honest answer is no, I’m not – But I will be. I don’t know how I know, I just know that I know.

Let me tell you that I feel like I’ve lost sight of my goal, because my perspecive of looking at it has changed. I haven’t given up on it though, i’m just thinking that maybe I was in the wrong place in the picture. Questions like “Was it really a camera flash?”, or “Was it me in the picture? As I remember the camera in the image immediately prior to the flash, it was there in the dream”. They are the questions my subconscious is working on answering. And for that reason, I feel a bit like my hopes and dreams have been clouded, it’s getting foggy in there. But I also feel differently about them, it’s almost like; let it go, it doesn’t matter, it will happen when it happens. I won’t give up on them though; I have my mum’s stubbornness to thank for that.

I feel like I need to concentrate on the details a bit more. Let me tidy them up a bit; then I can start writing about what has been going on. I also need to get past 28th June. If I can do that, I’m ready for anything.

How do you feel about it all?

Well I don’t know yet, but I’m happier. A shedload happier than I was. The reason for this is that there comes a point, about six months in, where you stop feeling like a man (you’re not one) and you really do start feeling like how you were meant to feel, like a Woman. And that’s how I’ve always seen myself.

The reasons for that don’t really matter anymore. I’ve discussed them with myself at great length, and referenced them earlier on here. That part of the engine is ticking along nicely and I’m not going to tweak it anymore. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”

The problem with the dream I had though; was that it appeared after the reasons I assumed it happened, took place. Why did my head assume these dreams were a fault and try to fix them, lol? I don’t know? Am I an idiot? Who knows… 🙂

Can you sort it out?

I don’t know. I’m going to need help. The problem with that; is one that my mother has to be called upon to answer for – Bloody stubborn old woman! (If you’re reading this mum, I hope you’re laughing right now; as I am). I love you mum xx

And yet I think I can, I just don’t want to go back home to do it. I like my life now, and I don’t want to change it that drastically anymore. I want to reach a point where my son can see that I’m happy and settled in myself, and ready to answer any questions he has.

So why post this? Why not just get on with it?

Well, I am. I’m taking my time about it; I want to get the details right – I want to blend in. I’m not the type to stand out and make a show of myself (although there are those who have seen me drunk that may contest that, lol), as I don’t want it to be immediately obvious that I am Trans. I am a Trans Woman. The keyword being Woman. And not, as the typical Media would have you believe, Trans…

What are you going to do about it then?

So, I’m at the point in my transition where it’s time to put it all together and make it work. I’m at the point of no return. There’s no going back. From here on in all the changes I’m going to make are permanent. And the first of those is coming up in June.

Well I’m ready, I’ve done all the groundwork that I need to do. It’s not been the cleanest of operations, there’s a bit of a mess to clean up. Gonna need some time on that one; and I don’t know if I have enough, But I’ll try… All I can do.

Like any change process, there’s usually a CAB (Change Advisory Board), to monitor and control the process; ensuring it all goes smoothly. And this blog is my CAB, my advisory board. So I present to you this change, I’m going to change my life – for the better. As it’s about time I bloody well did.

Then what?

The best part of all of this? I’ve got my family and friends around me to help me do it. And I’m in a position to give back, if need be. And I’ll do it when I’m called upon to do it, without hesitation – because that’s what you do for your family and your friends – You look after them because you know they will look after you if the situation were reversed.

And that’s how I want my family and friends, and the world at large, to see me. I want to be seen as a Strong, Confident, Feminine, Trans Woman; who looks after her family and friends as they are important to her. She see’s life like a Jar of Balls & Sand, and she knows that the biggest balls in the jar are her family, her friends and her job.

That’s my plan, let’s see if I can make it happen…

Much Love,

Vikki xx

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Addendum

Yes, just a quick note for all the guys out there. Women are fragile, don’t fucking forget it. Most know this, and I like that, but some don’t. For those that don’t, I say this:

Getting dressed with two broken fingers; as a woman, is very hard work.

Those that know; will know what, and who, I am talking about.

Much Love,

Vikki xx

I think I’ve written about this topic before, but possibly in amongst other ramblings and not a direct action as such … and I’m not really keen on ‘highlighting’ or repeating myself … this is more an exercise of ‘get that shit off’ve your chest now … clear your head … then respond …’ The […]

via ahhh okay … lets talk gender – trans and / or otherwise — meptsdandallthefuckedupshitinbetween

Morning gorgeous xx

I wanted to share the above post with you all as it makes the true meaning of being Trans much easier to live with. I am so glad there’s people out there, not just my friends, that have this attitude.

Much Love,

 

Vikki xx

Morning gorgeous xx

Had to post this, and it’s not pretty I’m afraid…

But anyone who suffers from any type of dysphoria will know how real it is. How real it can be and how it can make your feel…

Well I’ve just had a massive bout of it in work. It knocked me for six. Sat there staring at yourself, quietly freaking out as you don’t see what you should see and you know it’s wrong. But you also know that what you see is Real and you can’t change it, yet. You begin to wonder what is it all for? Why are you doing this? Did you ever feel like this before? And what if you still didn’t know? Would you be any better off?

The truth of those questions is that you know why you’re doing it – You’re trying to fix it. And you did feel like that before, you just hid it well and it wouldn’t make any difference whether you knew or Not, the problem is still there.

But the best part, is no you wouldn’t be any better off. You’d be worse off. Worse, because you’d still be hiding those feelings instead of finding a way to deal with them. Worse, because you wouldn’t be able to show how you feel. And definitely worse because you’d never be happy.

I write this to help me feel happy and because I can now show the world how I really feel.

I’ll get there, step by step.

Much Love,

Vikki xx