I can’t say morning gorgeous today because it’s not – It’s 10pm.

10pm and big realisation has just hit me. Literally everything hangs in the balance. I’ve never felt more insecure as I do now. I have NO idea what the futures going to hold. And as I sit here and write, I’m scared. Really scared.

So I told you last night that my job is hanging by a thread, and if I don’t nail it over the next 8 weeks (And keep nailing it for the next year), I’m out of work – which will consequently ruin everything. Well I took a phone call today advising me that my contract is up on the flat on the 24th and do I want to renew?. Well, do I?

I mean, what happens if I renew and then I lose my job? What happens if I get another one further away, and then renew but have to move? What happens if I don’t renew, lose my job and then don’t fond another one? So many unanswered questions, so many possibilities, so many unknowns…

And I’m transitioning.

I need stability and I don’t have it. Everything hangs in the balance and for the time in my life I can’t predict the outcome. I don’t know what to do for the best, I don’t know if everything is going to work out or if I’m going to lose it all.

And what will happen if I Do? Where do I go? What do I Do? How do I survive this? So many questions, not enough answers…

Ok, I mean this blog is written for this purpose. It’s here so my son; when he gets around to reading it, will know what I went through to get to where I want to be. And I don’t make it, then this blog is my legacy to him. It’s on a free wordpress account; so as long someone logs into it occasionally, it’ll always be active – I need to give the account details to someone I trust. He can’t not read this at some point in his life. I wish my father had left me this kind of legacy.

And then I remember the dreams. The dreams I had as a teenager, the vivid dreams, the deja vu. And I get scared. I get scared because part of me knows but it doesn’t remember. I remember the flashbacks. I remember being scared out of my mind. I remember knowing I was going to get somewhere but not knowing where I was going. I remember the madness.

Yet this is the first time I’ve ever written it down. The first time I’ve ever been frank about it. The first time I’ve admitted that it’s real, and that it’s scary. Possibly the first time I’ve ever cried about it, but I doubt that. It’s definitely the first time I’ve laid this stuff bare for all to see. The first time I’ve ever exposed the real me and what makes me tick.

I’m in tears. I have no understanding of how to deal with this. Only that I must. And I must do it soon or else everything will lead to nothing, and nothing will become everything. And when that happens, all is lost.

It’s hard. Hard to write from so deep inside myself and yet I must. This has to come out. This has to be written down. This has to be laid bare.

I will read this in the morning and possibly regret what I’ve wrote because it’s really scary to me. But I’m not going to change it. This post will stay up, if nothing more than a reminder of how far down and how deep these feelings actually go. And without them, I’ll never be who I really am.

It’s another layer that has been stripped away on the path to the truth. The real me, the real Vikki, the real person hiding behind the mask.

And it is Vikki that is behind there. She knows it’s true, she’s just been so scared to come forward as she’s been hurt that many times, it’s all she knows.

I wish I’d have been able to transition sooner. Maybe life would’ve been different. But there’s a reason for it to have been this way, and soon I’ll need to know what that is.

Because I’ll have to deal with it.

Lots of love,

Vikki xx

Morning Gorgeous xx

Well is it morning? Lets be honest, it’s 02:14am and I’ve just woke up – this is not good. Dysphoria is rife today and it’s been getting worse over the last few days, but the stress level is rising massively too. Unfortunately for me, the two go hand in hand – the more stress, the greater the Dysphoria; and currently I’m under a lot of stress.

Some people will shout at me when they read this, some will want to help, others will offer a shoulder to cry on and others will silently worry. In reality though, there isn’t much anyone can do to help, I have to do this myself – Transitioning is a very personal experience; but in a very public setting.

If you’ve read all my posts (and some of them are quite long), you’ll have the background information, you’ll know what’s going on. Some of the issues you will think; “just hang on in there, you’ll be fine soon”, others will take a bit longer to resolve. But the pressure is on. It’s easy to say JFDI (Just Fecking Do It) but when your inner confidence, and confidence in your abilities, is low; you just don’t know if you’re going to make it through.

I have good people around me who will scream at me tomorrow for writing this, because I didn’t tell them. But I don’t want to bore them every single day with the same old stuff – I’ve done that to people before and lost friend because of it. I don’t want to seem like a walking manic depressive, which I probably am, but come on. I at least want to walk around with a smile on my face one day out of seven. Is that too much to ask?

The reason I’m felling like this is because I’ve lost my job security – The one thing I fought so hard for last year, the straw that broke the camels back. It’s gone. I’m on a Final Written Warning and Performance Improvement Plan which, if I can’t stick to over the next eight weeks, means I’m out – And the absolute last thing I need right now is to be out of work.

They’re not asking a lot if you know what you’re looking at and you know what to do with it. But that’s my problem, I don’t know what I’m looking at and I only half know what to do with it. I was pulled in because of my technical skills, but I opted for the wrong job and this job doesn’t require those skills – so I’m at a loss. I’ve found it extremely difficult to put a lifetime of knowledge aside and start again – I’ve also found it extremely difficult to explain that to people. In the main, I can do the job and my Boss knows it but I don’t have the knowledge. I’m like London Cabbie who hasn’t passed the test, I can get from A to B, it just takes me a lot longer to get there. And that’s the problem; because it takes so long to get there, I waste so much time I end up losing the time to learn what I need, or make sure I’m hitting my targets.

It’s difficult and ultimately it’s down to how I see this progressing. And this is hard for me to say, but do I see this as a brave new career and grab it with both hands, running screaming into a new and different world. Or do I let it go and focus 100% of my effort into finding a job that I know I can do well?

Whatever decision I come to, it’s going to affect my transition. The reason being; the two at the moment appear to be inextricably linked – If I hadn’t have taken the job, the stress level wouldn’t have been high enough to have kicked off the Transition (or would it?). It’s just impossible to say and there’s so many parts of me that just want to roll it all back to the ways things were – It’s like I’m constantly fighting with myself only this time I’m fighting for the other team, a double agent; so to speak.

And that’s Dysphoria, you don’t know which side you’re on, you just know you have to win – somehow.

Much Love,

Vikki xx

Morning Gorgeous xx

How are you all my lovelies. Having fun? I hope so. Im not a fan of a life where people don’t enjoy themselves – life is for living, not dying xx

So anyway, he we are 9pm on a Monday night. I’ve had a vodka and I’m on my second. Possibly looking for a third but I doubt it, I’m not that daft; lol. Anyway, me and vodka have a love/hate relationship – I love vodka, it doesn’t agree with me. This in itself is a BIG problem. Why? Because I write things I dont remember, I do things I should be forgetting, and I’m a general nuisance all round. We all have to let go sometimes, right?…

I do not want to read this back in the morning… But oh well, tally ho, as they say…

So I’ll bet you’re wondering what I’m going to rant on about? Well read the title above, because it really is there for all to see.

It’s like this – there’s a page in the background on here that I use as a scratchpad. And on that page are ideas for future posts. Ideas which I don’t always get around to sharing and definitely don’t always get around to writing. But I will one day, and if I think they’re funny enough; they will definitely hit the blog. But It’s all about lack of time; and stuff like that. Boring things like life have a habit if getting in the way of me posting on the blog. And I should really make more time, but I just don’t.

However, some of these ideas are pretty funny; and they’ve just got to be said, “Lady Victoria Kinsella III” being one of the better ones (Stu, you’re a pain in the butt, and you will get you back one day, lol) for example. So I thought I’d start with one of the easier one’s, one which ìs going to flow out of my head. And that is the difference that swapping sexes has made to my morning routine.

So okay, look at this way. As a male, you get up in a morning, rub your eyes, get out of bed, get dressed, make coffee, drink coffee, go to work. It’s easy, right? Piece of cake and the whole lot is done in half an hour – including a shower if you feel the need and/or you smell particularly bad. Now guys, don’t lie here; it’s not worth it. I KNOW this stuff. It is what it is and we’ve all had mornings like that. You’re out of the door before your coffee has kicked in, and off you go. I’m well aware of this – mine used to be wake up at 7:30, out at 8:00, in work at 9:00. I’m really not listening if you say anything different. Period.

Now, ladies. It’s not that simple is it? What do WE have to go through in a morning?? Shall we let the lads in on it? Or is it just me that does this stuff?

Well let me put it this way. Instead of opening my eyes at 7:30, and getting out of bed. I now have to add an extra hour onto that – half hour as an absolute minimum. Anything less and I’m late for work – 6:30 is now the defacto standard for me to ensure I’m in work for nine. How the flip did this happen??? Well I’ll tell you…

Make-up. Yes, you heard me; make-up.

Girls, how do you do it? How well do you have to know your make-up routine in order to get in the car, and into the office in the shortest possible time? Just what does it take to get you through that door as fast as you can?

Well I’ll tell you – you got to own it, you need to be on it like a car bonnet. You got to be on form, you need to know where stuff is, and it has to be available at a seconds notice. Guys? You wanna know why girls lose their shit getting dressed? It’s because you moved it. DON’T DO IT. I give you not when I say; it’s a flipping art form. If there is one thing that has been moved so you can brush your bald head? Put it back. To get this down to a fine art, it has to be available, where we left it and ready to be opened and used. If not, we got sooo much to sort out. We just don’t need it…

I mean, foundation, routine in its own right? Contouring, get it wrong and you have to start all over again – you hear me girls? Colourising, too much red or blue and your done, the whole lot has got to come off (half hour down the pan). Finishing, may the Lord have mercy if there’s not enough clear powder or fixing spray. And the thing is, thats just make-up – I’ve got other stuff on top of that!

I mean, look…

Nice picture, eh?

That was me going out one evening. How much effort do you think that really took? Allow me to explain…

There’s underwear, possibly more than one layer depending on the effect you’re looking to achieve. There’s padding (yes Guys, I’m straight up and down, I got to get my figure somehow). There clothing, obvious. There’s makeup, a half hours worth; actually. And then there’s the hair (it’s a wig, but hey ho it still needs attention).

I mean, EVERYTHING needs attention. Down to the finest detail – it’s all in the detail. You get it wrong there, someone is going to notice. And if they’re bitchy enough – they’ll tell you. That is not something you want happening after you’ve put THAT much effort in to looking this good.

And for me, as I did not have to think about this stuff six months ago, it’s insane that I have to do it now. Jeez, I must be mad…

BUT! I look one hell of a lot better now than I ever did previously.

I mean, I put a profile on a dating website. Told everyone I was pre-op Trans. Didn’t hold back and didn’t lie – don’t do that.

I had 161 likes in three days!

What?!?!?!?! How many??? They did read the profile? I’ll say it again; “pre-op.”. I’m not sure what was going on, but that picture above was one of the pictures on the profile. So it pains me to wonder what these people were thinking, as 130 of those likes mentioned above; were men.

So OK, please… DO NOT. EVER. Try and tell me about the difference between the sexes again. Why? Because as a transsexual, I know both, I’ve seen both and I’ve done both. And my god it is enlightening. It really opens your eyes to just exactly what men and women go through in today’s society.

So the question is?… Why the feck do we do it???…

Love,

Vikki xx

Morning gorgeous xx

I’m just posting a quick one here and I’m doing so for a new friend. Someone who’s recently come into my life, yet I consider an icon because of the work they do.

They know who they are. And if they’re reading this, then I draw their attention to my previous two posts. Together, they send a message. And I hope they get what I’m trying to say – Because based on the last thing I read about them, that it is what I want to say. And it should be said in public.

It’s for you, you know who you are.

Much love xx

Vikki xx

Morning Gorgeous xx

I’m just going to put this here, and leave it there…