Confusion Part II

Morning Gorgeous xx

How you all doing today? You good? Glad to hear it.

Lets start by saying that some of the best and most creative offerings the world has ever seen, have come from some of the darkest places in the creators mind. You can argue that all day long if you like but I’m sure there’s million examples on both sides of the argument. Essentially, to bring out your best; you have to go through your worst.

And in my head, that’s pretty much where I’m at.

I’m sure a lot of my friends who read this will be worried about me right now – I ask you, don’t be. I’m OK, I’ll get through this. My head will sort it all out; that’s for sure. I didn’t get to 45 years old without living a life and you all know that.

But all know why I’m doing this, it’s to get the horrible thoughts out. To keep me in a good place, to stop me from going back to those Pitch Black places that I’ve described to you all before. To make sure that the stuff that runs round in my head and won’t go anywhere; HAS somewhere to go. You all know I love Music and you’ve all seen the pictures of my home studio (for those that haven’t, I’ll upload one). I do write occasionally, I have a friend who will take any opportunity to grab me, a keyboard and his Mac and get something out of my fingers! – He’s always pleased with the results (Love ya both – you know who you are)

Thing is that’s what I’ve learn’t (re-learnt) through all of this, is to get it out, do something with it and turn the dark, horrible stuff into something bright and useful. And that’s also why some of my posts don’t always make sense (as has been said, and rightly so). In my defence, I go back and edit them afterwards, right?

I’m in one of those dark places now. My head is literally spinning with information and issues. The only connection between any of them is me and my transition – and even then, some of them don’t add up. I mean, we still have Toiletgate and my Boss & HR are looking at 3 months to sort that out – 3 months from when it happened, NOT from my transition; which was a month previous. This is literally making me scared to use the female toilet in my area, and I’m going to need more counselling to sort it out – I don’t think I’ll be able to go in there on my own, that’s a dead cert. And I’m scared of the door now, I’ve never been this scared of anything in my life! What’s it going to be like when I’m allowed to use it?

In my mind they’re validating discrimination on the basis that other people are scared, but this what the Equalities Act was supposed to avoid! Where’s the Education and Inclusion that this Law was supposed to bring in?

And that’s my next point. HOW do you educate people on these issues? I know there’s charities and organisations out there who are spreading the word (StoneWall, The Beaumont Society, GIRES) but they’re not penetrating where I am. How could they be? As I wouldn’t have this issue if they did. Transgender issues have been in the national media a lot recently (Transformation Street, CBB 2018 – India Willoughby, Piers Morgans Life Stories – Caitlyn Jenner). But they’re not covering the whole story. The biggest point of which is Female To Male (FtM) Gender Reassignment – I’ve just been doing some reading on that and it hasn’t helped my head in ANY way, shape or form, that’s a whole new ball game.

I mean, my head is absolutely spinning this morning and I’m close to tears. And I think a lot of it is fear. Fear of change, fear of acceptance & inclusion from the world around me. Some of it is the world’s fears. There’s someone walking around who doesn’t fit into a predefined category or social construct. Then there’s a lack of education. The world IS changing but VERY slowly and these new, 21st century social ideas and values haven’t been fully accepted by the older generations – of which I am a part.

There are people of my age, who probably grew up in the same way I did but are not like me. And therefore have the same attitudes and values that were impressed upon me when I was a kid. Someone like me was socially unacceptable, a freak. The original Victorian Caged Animal. And there is the problem for my generation. Victorian Values. Edwardian Values.

And a side note – It’s not what people say, it’s what they do.

The above is important, VERY important. My Parents are Post-War Baby Boomers. Their attitudes and values, regardless of what they say, are firmly imprinted in that era, that’s when they were born, that was the influence around them at the time. My Grandparents, although now deceased; God rest their soul, Were born in the Edwardian Era – getting there? So my Great Grandparents, were pretty obviously; Victorian. Now you haven’t gone that far back in my life, to reach a point in my history where the values of sex and gender were firmly opposed to anything that wasn’t Black & White (Male or Female). “Are you a Man or a Woman?” – Remember that from an earlier post? That’s pretty much a Victorian Value right there. I’m not going into the debate of historic values and I don’t want one, but that’s background to all this; as I see it, rightly or wrongly.

So why should it not be the same for anyone else? – Answers on a postcard.

It’s been said to me in conversation that my generation, Generation X, are the last that will have these issues. The last will grow up with the predefined attitude of Male and Female. And that is so true, with the world changing in the way that it is; what other conclusion is there to reach? But we are also the Trailblazers, we are also the milestone generation. We are the parents of the Millennials, we gave the the new world the attitude that it has, either by choice or by rebellion. The thing is, were WE rebelling against outdated social values and constructs? Yes; we were and did we impress that rebellion upon our children? Yes; we did. Are we the children of the 1960/70’s response to Drugs & Free Love? Yes, we are. So are we the trailblazers acting upon the changes in attitudes of our parents? Yes.

Then why the fuck was my Uncle (An openly gay Drag Queen) put on a pedestal in a cage? And why was that attitude of morbid tolerance, rather than open acceptance, thrust upon me?

You see the source of my confusion now?

Welcome to my Blog.



Vikki xx


By Vikki Kinsella

My name is Vikki, and I’m a Transgender Female living and working in the UK.

I’ve started this blog purely as a way of writing down my thoughts and feelings, as I now start my journey through transition from living life as Male to becoming Female, and beyond. You see, I spent 45 years of my life living as, what is now known as, a cisgender Male - With almost no idea that I could even consider being Female, let alone consider corrective surgery. But I must admit I did have a tendency to THINK like a woman sometimes... But doesn't every Man think like a woman on occasion? Don't try and hide it boys, you know you do, lol...

One reply on “Confusion Part II”

I agree with what you say about FTMs, I turned Transformation street off this week because of a lack of representation…although I’m interested in the MTF stories, we (FTMs) have ONE bro on that thing, and when I turned on this week and saw the intro didn’t even mention him as being in the episode, I just turned off in irritation. Your blogs are great, by the way, Vikki, refreshingly honest. I hope you’re ok x x x


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.