Morning Gorgeous xx
Hope you are all well today – if you’ve read the last post; you’ll know I’m not. But I’m getting there. Grief is a process and it’s different for everyone. There’s no hard and fast rules on what to do to get through it, you just have to deal with it in your own way.
Well I’m glad I’ve got this blog as it helps me deal with it. It helps me to clear my head. And in all honesty, it can be a mess in there – it is most days. I need a whole lifetime of psychotherapy just to get out of bed some mornings, and today is one of those mornings. I mean, the last two posts were written in the wrong order and they sat there for 4 days. I wrote the first one (“Oh My God, What a Mess…”) ten minutes ago. As I had to close the other one down in order to move on to this.
You see life is a mess for me. I have the necessary skills to make it real easy, I know what I need to do to make my life a success – and it can be a big success as well. But I can’t use them, I can’t make it work, it’s like I have a physical illness that stops my hands from working. I just can’t do what I need to do – or if I do, I never finish the job.
This is not a physical illness though, If you look at me (And I’m going to post some pictures soon, so you can see), you wouldn’t think anything was wrong – In fact, there’s one picture where I literally look the the most confident woman you’ll ever meet. But look at the expression on my face. No I’m Not.
I have such a hard time getting that across to people and for 44 years of my life I never knew why. I do know though, I honestly think I do, what I’ve learned in the last two years explains so, so much about who I am, what I am. It also, looking back, explains WHY I did some of the things I did. I can never excuse them, and I don’t believe they were that bad. But they were just stupid. Stupid, stupid mistakes. Forgetful. Never finishing what you started and then trying to justify why, and coming up with wrong reasons. Not being able to ask for help, as you don’t know what help you need. Not being able to control your mouth, as the gear linkage doesn’t work in the same way as everyone else.
Well that’s Autism, that’s Asperger Syndrome, thats ME.
When I called my mother on Wednesday, it was for two reasons. One, it was about time to apologise for my lack of control – I know why now. And two, was finally tell her I knew why. I didn’t know how it was going to go down, I didn’t even know if she would accept the phone call; but I’m glad she did. It gave me that chance to speak to her, to explain to her. I say her, as I can’t say the same about my dad. He’s not here anymore (I’ve just said that to myself four times as i still can’t believe it) and stops me dead in my tracks every single time.
I mean, how do you recover from this. What I’m going through at the moment IS the most difficult thing anyone can ever go through, it’s LIFE CHANGING – life will never be the same again for me, the world will never see me the same again, and I’ll never be treated the same by anyone ever again. So in order affect that change correctly, I’ve had to go back through my life and explain to people WHY I treated them the way I did. And, if they’ll take it (and not all will), try to apologise – I’m sorry folks, I fucked up.
Some of those bags are bigger than others, some you care about, some you don’t. But you at least have to try (I’ve just thought of another one I need to do). You won’t make it through without trying, you cannot carry all that baggage forward into that new life – as it WILL fuck you up. To use an anaology, it won’t fit in the baggage hold of the plane, not even a AN-225 and them fuckers are BIG!. You leave it behind, you sort what you can and you leave the rest behind. THAT’s what you do.
And that’s what I have to do now. There are things and people for my past that I’m going to take with me, or try to take with me – I may not be able to take what I would like. And there are other things and people that I’ll leave behind, or HAVE to leave behind because they can’t come with me. If it’s left behind though, it has to be sorted to both sides satisfaction, it CAN NEVER resurface, it is gone for good.
That’s the problem I have right now, insanely that’s the problem I have with my family right now.
They can see this, and I hope that last paragraph doesn’t come as a surprise – it’s the reason why I came back. I’ve told them this though, I’m not hiding anything now; I can’t. I can’t make the same mistakes as I have in the past, I have to sort the problems out -those problems that I can sort. My family dynamic isn’t the same anymore – it’s a hell of a lot smaller as they’ve rejected their baggage and the toxic people. So I don’t have as much to work with as what I used to, yet that could be a good thing.
The honest answer is that I just don’t know how this is going to go. It’s going to need time, patience, and a lot of understanding on both sides. And if the truth be told, it’s Que Sera – What ever will be will be. This future is DEFINITELY not ours to see.
Much love to you all,
Vikki xx
Feeling Trans 