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One AM.

Morning Gorgeous xx

Or is it?…

Actually it’s 1am, on a school night. I should not be writing this as I should be asleep – but I’m not. I can’t sleep, that’s why I’m writing this. I write when I need to, when I HAVE to, and when I want to.  And all three of those points is right now. I should control my timings more, but the creative process doesnt work like that – it comes out when it comes out, and there’s bugger all I can do about it .

Now is one of those times.

(And Boss… I know you’re reading this fella; these things happen – Chill, this is a welcome to my world moment)

Back to the situation at hand: It’s 1am, I can’t sleep. I’ve had a glass of Vodka (and another one is presently in front of me – this is only my second), and I’m happy – it’s like being on a night out but I never actually walked through my front door.

It could be false happiness – because it could be Vodka that’s making me feel like this? (No, I’m not convinced as I was like this before I cracked the bottle). First day back at work? Yeah it went OK, but it’s work – although I hate being bored, and I was busy enough. General uplifting feeling as things are starting to change for the better? Maybe?

In all honesty, it could be anything that’s giving me this feeling at the moment. And given the week I’ve had – who knows. What I do know is this, for this short period of time; I feel OK – I feel normal, like a normal human being. And that’s rare, almost never happens; rare. But it’s a good rare, one that I like rare. One that I’ll maybe even keep rare – you can’t live like this every day. Life is about balancing the good and the bad, this is good (I know there’s people out there who will say it isn’t). But the reason it’s good; is because I rarely have this kind of feeling – and I’ve NEVER been able to write about it before…

** Update at 8:30am, something struck me; and I think I know what it is. But I’m keeping it private for now. **

So picture this – I’m on my settee, laptop on my lap, Vodka, Phone, Xbox playing Deezer (Camila Cabello, Crying in the Club – tuuune!) and random friends on my phone who want to talk, and so they do – with some random conversations (tell you another time, when I can get the text out). So should I be in bed? Yes. Should I be asleep, Yes. Should I be counting Sheep? Yes. And I will be soon, I’m sure there are people out there who will have something to say about me being awake at 1am on a school night. But now is not the time for that. Now is about recovery, rebuilding, and renewing. Rebuilding lost relationships with family and old friends, recovery from some of the pain of the last few months, and starting afresh with new people, new places and new things.

But above all, just once in a while, now is about having some fun.

Life is 10 times more difficult if you don’t enjoy yourself – and I wanted to let you guys in on the bits of me that people haven’t seen yet – The fun side, the side that enjoys life, some people call it the real me. I call it the bit of Vikki that’s been crying to get out for years. She’s the side that dances in heels in my living room at midnight, wearing a black pencil dress and 4 inch stiletto’s. She’s the side that gives me my sense of humour and takes the biscuit out of anything that’s funny (don’t be on the receiving end). She’s the side that, in all honesty, gives me my womanhood.

And without her – I am lost….

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Much Love,

 

Vikki xx

By victoriak72

My name is Vikki, and I’m a Transgender Female living and working in the UK.

I’ve started this blog purely as a way of writing down my thoughts and feelings, as I now start my journey through transition from living life as Male to becoming Female, and beyond. You see, I spent 45 years of my life living as, what is now known as, a cisgender Male - With almost no idea that I could even consider being Female, let alone consider corrective surgery. But I must admit I did have a tendency to THINK like a woman sometimes... But doesn't every Man think like a woman on occasion? Don't try and hide it boys, you know you do, lol...

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