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What next…

Morning Gorgeous xx

Well, today has been an interesting day. I know it sounds hard to believe, but I actually finished something I started today. Autism does not always rock (hahaha).

As part of my journey, I knew that I had to square things up everybody that I’d wronged, that I care about. There are people that I used to know, that I loved and could never show it in the way that I wanted to (because I wasn’t who I wanted to be). These people could only assume that I was being nasty and causing pain for the sake of it when I did the things that I did – and that wasn’t true. I did what I did because I didn’t know any better and I had to do SOMETHING, anything to try to sort things out in my head.

I lost some good people, in amongst the toxic people that I didn’t want to know.

Well, those good people have a right to know, they have a right to know what has happened and why. The have a right to know that Vikki has been hiding inside Bert’s head, waiting for the opportunity to shed his shell – And to come to the fore and talk to them. Tell them how she was feeling, and why things happened. Tell them that Bert slowly dying a messy death over several years…

And do you know what. She fucking did it. She did, and she did it in style. In a style only Vikki knows how – elegant, painless and perfectionist. She has got what it takes, she can do what she needs to do and she can handle the stuations that are put in front of her. When your old best friend (of over 30 years) tells you he should’ve punched your lights out but didn’t; what choice do you have? Do you agree or disagree?? Well, If you couldn’t take a side in an argument and have the guts to deal with it, they were right and you agree with them. Simple.

Well guess what – That’s what happened to me.

You do get sick of being in the middle of an argument between people that you love though. And that happened to me all the time. It was a fecking good idea for me to move away, people I loved arguing with each other and asking me to mediate was just wrong. It shouldn’t have happened. Did they REALLY care about me? Honest answer is I don’t know and I don’t care anymore – it’s all water under the bridge. But the thing is, without those issue’s; what did learn from all the experiences I had?

I’ll tell you.

I learnt when to stop. When to back away. When to turn around and say; “fuck you” – That’s not my fight, that’s yours. And I’ll speak to you all separately; just not together, and in the same room. SEP… Somebody Else’s Problem.

I Want to Cry. I should Cry and i@m going to in the next 5 minutes but, these tears are real…..

*** To all the people I’ve ever hurt, I love you all; and I’m sorry – I did it because I didn’t know any better. ***

Lots of Love xx

 

Vikki xx

 

 

By victoriak72

My name is Vikki, and I’m a Transgender Female living and working in the UK.

I’ve started this blog purely as a way of writing down my thoughts and feelings, as I now start my journey through transition from living life as Male to becoming Female, and beyond. You see, I spent 45 years of my life living as, what is now known as, a cisgender Male - With almost no idea that I could even consider being Female, let alone consider corrective surgery. But I must admit I did have a tendency to THINK like a woman sometimes... But doesn't every Man think like a woman on occasion? Don't try and hide it boys, you know you do, lol...

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