Morning gorgeous xx

This is straight from the heart. This is how I’m feeling right now – and boss, I know your reading this, please take this as it’s intended. I’m trying…

But this has to come out.

I’m in pain. And it’s probably my fault. I’ve shed a lot of tears tonight.

Work has not gone according to plan. I’ve been issued a final written warning. My performance hasn’t been up to standard. I’ve not handled the issues I’ve faced very well.

You see in a fighter. I’ve always had to fight and I don’t know when to stop. I don’t know when to accept that I’m in the wrong. To admit defeat. Just let go…

You see that’s what comes from having to be so strong that you have no choice but to win. Or die. And that’s what happened to me as a child. At age nine, I was put in a position where it was win or die. And I won. I had to or I wouldn’t be here to tell the tale. But it messes with your life because you can’t see past that. Everything becomes a battle that you have to win.

But life is not like that, is it? There’s more to it than that. Other people have opinions as well. And they’re not the same as yours. You try to understand and you reach a point where you think you have. But have you really? You just never know.

I’m writing this tonight because I am in transition. I’m changing. I have no choice. I can’t stay the same anymore. The person I once was is literally dead. I can’t win this fight, because in doing so; I will lose everything. It will not be a victory. It will be defeat. I will have defeated myself. I will have lost and I can’t afford to do that. Losing everything is not an option.

I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future anymore, I just know that if i have that feeling of deja-vu again that I can’t win the battle. And it’s pointless trying. There are some battles in life that you can’t win, ad they’re the ones that are designed to teach you lessons. And I have reached one of those.

No idea what tomorrow will bring. But whatever it is, I have to accept my fate.

THAT, when it comes to Autism, is the hardest thing in the world to accept.

God help me. And please give me the strength to get through this. Because I don’t know if I have it within myself…

Love to you all..

Vikki xx

By Vikki Kinsella

My name is Vikki, and I’m a Transgender Female living and working in the UK.

I’ve started this blog purely as a way of writing down my thoughts and feelings, as I now start my journey through transition from living life as Male to becoming Female, and beyond. You see, I spent 45 years of my life living as, what is now known as, a cisgender Male - With almost no idea that I could even consider being Female, let alone consider corrective surgery. But I must admit I did have a tendency to THINK like a woman sometimes... But doesn't every Man think like a woman on occasion? Don't try and hide it boys, you know you do, lol...

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.