Finally Feeling Trans…

Evening gorgeous xx

How you all doing? Good I hope? I can kinda say the same for myself; but it’s bittersweet. Very much tinged with deep sadness. A sadness that makes this post very hard to write.

Let me get a drink (I’ll need one), and I’ll tell you all about it…

Right, got it – Double Chocolate, Hazelnut and Caramel Mocha. Nom frigging nom…. 😉

Ok, so where do I start? Don’t say at the beginning, please?… I’m not rewriting the last year of my life, I may be green but I sure ain’t a cabbage. Anyway, what was the last post that made any sense? (Anybody dare say you haven’t written one yet, and I’m grabbing a bat)! – let’s have a look.

I’ll go back to ‘Powerful Emotions’; written on the 8th July – 2018 for those who are wondering what year it is – That’s the post where it all ended, that’s the point where I finally broke down. I’d had enough, and I honestly couldn’t take anymore. I couldn’t carry on the way I was going and my mind was, literally; at breaking point.

In fact, that was the start of the transformation…

You see, you reach a point in your transition where your mind will not let you go any further, your brain function is changing. Your hormones are different now and your brain has to become accustomed to that. You can’t carry on thinking the way you did before; because the parts of your brain that perform the processing for your thoughts are now working differently – running on different fuel, so to speak.

To give you an analogy, it’s kinda like having a diesel car; and only ever putting petrol in it. It’ll run fine but it’ll never run right – it can’t burn the fuel properly. And that’s how I’ve felt all my life, like a diesel car running on petrol; always trying to get it right but never able to do so. Now though, it’s like someone finally started putting diesel in. And after a trip to the garage and fuel system cleanout, I’m running on the right fuel – and running fine.

Thats the mental transition, for me, from Male to Female.

Just to let you know, it’s different for everyone – No two transitions are ever the same. We’ve all got different things going on in our lives, all have different personalities, different views on the world around us, different perspectives on life as a whole. But one thing remains the same; and that is we are changing gender (And if you’re not, you’re stopping halfway through, I still have my concerns with you) – We are transitioning.

Those concerns are mine though, and that’s my take on it – Not everyone else’s. It’s only fair to say that everyone’s view is different.

And that’s OK too.

Recent events have taught me to respect what others think, even if I forget it sometimes and act on impulse. When I do forget though, I’m only doing what feels right at the time, and doing what; as a woman, I am meant to do – Protect myself and my children. For want of a better phrase, I’m acting on my woman’s intuition.

But I know that now and I can see clearly that that is what I am doing. I never could before.

Anyway, the events in question that have led me here today, and given the new perspective on life that I have; involve my family. And it has been pressure from those events, and my family, that has led me to make some silly mistakes; doing things I wouldn’t normally do. The rape posts and my actions surrounding them, for example – Should’ve talked to family first.

Also, its given me the courage to take a stand at certain points, to speak out about how I really feel and tell people who I am and what I’ve done – Reporting the rape, as another example. Standing up to my family when it all came out. And being honest with my sister’s when they couldn’t understand why I came out as Trans…

It all resulted in one single moment though. And without the events that took place first, I wouldn’t have been able to do it. I wouldn’t have had the inner strength to give my mother the permission she needed to pass in peace. I ouldnt have been able to do it.

You see in my view (and only my view – before you shout), that’s what needed to be done. In that final moment, she needed to know the family would be safe. She was not going to go until she knew that. And for what ever reason, it appeared to come down to me to do it.

And because of that, I feel like I’ve made peace with my family now. And I can explain to them why I’m so different. And I can hopefully get them to understand who and what I am. And treat me as the sister, niece, whatever; that I always wanted to be…

But to end on a sad; yet fitting note.

Yes, my mother passed away; peacefully, with family around her, at 8:27am on 9th August 2018. A crematorial service to be held in her hometown of Widnes, in Cheshire, England. Where her ashes are to be mixed with those of my step father and they will both be laid to rest in a crematorial plot with family around them.

I’m not a religious person by any means; but may God bless them both, and may God finally allow them both to have their right arms back.

Love you both to the moon & back Mum & Dad, and I’ll miss you both always…

From the very bottom of my heart, I give you all my love,

Vikki xx

By Vikki Kinsella

My name is Vikki, and I’m a Transgender Female living and working in the UK.

I’ve started this blog purely as a way of writing down my thoughts and feelings, as I now start my journey through transition from living life as Male to becoming Female, and beyond. You see, I spent 45 years of my life living as, what is now known as, a cisgender Male - With almost no idea that I could even consider being Female, let alone consider corrective surgery. But I must admit I did have a tendency to THINK like a woman sometimes... But doesn't every Man think like a woman on occasion? Don't try and hide it boys, you know you do, lol...

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