Anniversary…

Morning Gorgeous xx

How are you all doing today? As usual, I hope it’s all good and you’re all doing fine…

Don’t just say that now, if you’re having a bad day; then I’ve always got an ear to bend, all you need to do is ask. Ok. Good. As for me, this is going to be a difficut weekend. One I have to get through and one I need to be strong for. Tough is not the word I’d use, in all honesty.

Why? You ask… Well, it’s a bittersweet weekend (and next week, actually). Did you know it’s one year since my breakdown? No? Well it is. It was one year ago this weekend that the old me finally broke down and gave up the ghost. Bert’s last dying breaths were taken and it was after this weekend; last year, that I knew I couldnt carry on.

My memory and understanding of that August Bank Holiday Monday, in the UK, is still very vague. I remember leaving work on the Friday and buying alcohol; exactly what I cant remember, and I’ve been told by a friend that we went at it hard-style until the Sunday morning. By hard style; we are good friends and know each other very well – She has been one of my rocks of support as I’ve gone through my transition so far. So when we get together, grab the alcohol, etc. and fire up the XBox; we have a good night in. We both miss those nights…

But she clearly remembers going home early on the Sunday; which doesn’t explain how I woke up in the position I did 48 hours later – I definitely hit it very, very, hard.

What did I do in those missing 48 Hours? Where did I go? Who did I speak to? There is no record of those events. There was nothing on my phone to suggest I’d arranged to meet someone, and there were no (as I can recall) phone records or WhatsApp conversations to any new numbers. It’s all a bit strange.

But then I work in IT and have done for 30 years now. I’ve also been very good at hiding things; especially from myself, the full details of the rape being one example. So If I can do that, then obviously I can hide what happened on this weekend –  that would be fairly easy.

Also of note, is that I don’t feel bad about that weekend. There’s no negative feelings around it; not like the rape. I don’t get any gut wrenching feelings in the bottom of my stomach when I think about it. And I don’t want to burst out in tears or lash out in anger about it either. I’m quite happy about it; actually. All of this conspires to tell me that whatever I did and whoever I saw, I had fun and I enjoyed it all.

In contrast to all that though, this weekend I’m in pain; physical pain – it hurts like hell. Whats happening is that I’m having injection site reactions to the drugs I’m on. The drugs themselves are working brilliantly, finally and I can think clearly; very clearly. I definitely feel more feminine and happier than I did before. But again, there is sadness this week. It’s my mothers funeral on Tuesday and I have to go home for that – that hurts like hell as well.

It makes me wonder why I’m not able to remember the good stuff, and the bad is as clear as day in my head? How is that fair? Because actually, when I look back through my life, it is easier to remember the bad stuff than the good stuff – It seems to stand out more. But explaining why, beyond what I already know, is hard work.

I had an amazing ounselling session on Friday, we covered a lot of ground in a short space of time. It was also very enlightening for both me and my counsellor. I’m sure I taught her a lot about various things to do with my Psyche, and when I need to learn a subject, I always try to become VERY knowledgeable on it. But I also learnt something new about myself, something I’d wondered for a while and now; I’m sure – very sure of it. That is that I probably have PTSD and other co-morbid conditions close to it.

Symptoms that I display within my Psyche are very common in patients with PTSD, although some are a little diferent within me. Others less so, but still fall within the category of PTSD Symptoms. In any event, they happen, and in my usual lengthy style; I find them difficult to explain.

So does going down the direct route of PTSD and related co-morbids; answer the fundamental differences in who I am ,and why my transition is different to most others? I don’t know. But it does answer the question of why the short, sharp, shock method has worked so very well. I’m repeating a trauma that happened many years ago and trying to resolve my inner feelings about it.

Well I think I have done. I think that those boys, on a mental level, didn’t rape a man. They raped a woman. That’s what I saw myself as at the time. I saw a woman in the mirror but I was forced to live in a mans body. And I didn’t like it. And it was trauma that has kept me there for so long.

Now I need to find out why. I know what this has all done to me, and the type of person I am now. What do I do with this? Where do I go from here???…

Much Love,

Vikki xx