Hello gorgeous xx
How are you all this morning? I hope you are well and enjoying life; as always. 🙂 – Me? I’m OK, I’ll be fine; of that I am sure. Don’t worry about me, I can take care of myself; promise…
So I’m writing down what I’m currently feeling and what’s going through my head. That’s what this blog is all about isn’t it? Me, my journey through this minefield we call sexual development? Where do I sit on this sexual spectrum?
Well you know what’s going through my head right now, regarding it all – those questions are clear, “What am I?” – Am I male, am I female, am I both or am I somewhere in between? Where do I sit on the sexual / gender spectrum? – I don’t know the answer.
And I should because shouldn’t everyone?
OK, let me put it this way; boys are boys and they know they’re boys, right?. Just as girls are girls, with me? Good. Well as I’m finding out, that’s not strictly true. Here’s the thing; Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome can turn what is effectively a male foetus, into a girl – with a Vagina. And Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia can, in its rarest forms, turn a female foetus; into a boy, complete with Penis. Got you there, haven’t I? On top of that, there’s the previously mentioned SRY Gene mutation; probably responsible for C.A.H.
Now I use the terms ‘Male’ and ‘Female’, ‘Boy’ and ‘Girl’; loosely and using them indicates my lack of knowledge in this area, but I’m learning all the time. I have to. I’m on the gender spectrum somewhere as I wouldn’t be Trans if I wasn’t… Or would I? Well I’ll point to an earlier post to clear this up first, then I’ll move on.
Gender and Sex are different. Gender is presentation, Sex is biological. Gender on the outside, Sex on the inside. Gender is the clothes you wear, Sex (apart from how you feel about it) is your physical attributes and characteristics – Breasts, Penis, Vagina, etc.
And here’s my problem. (Does it always have to be about me? – Yes, it does, this is my blog; deal with it). Well the problem is I’ve always felt different, I’ve always known I’m different, but I’ve just never quite known ‘How’ I’m different. Never been able to work it out.
So in my quest to figure this shit out, I’ve come across many things, I’ve learnt an amazing amount of information; but I’ve never started to apply that properly to me. Only recently have sysrted to look at where I fit into this world and where I am on these sprectrums; now I know they exist. Well ok, the barriers are gone now; let’s have a look shall we?…
So there’s a BBC documentary, produced in 2011, called “Me, Myself and I”. The documentary focusses on intersex conditions, how they manifest themselves and how society has dealt with some of them. It introduces you to the idea that sex itself; is, in fact, a spectrum (Female at one end, Male at the other). That for the first seven weeks of our existence; we are ALL female. And that gender is a choice, and can be based on your sex, and is not always your choice to make – but it should be.
Watching the documentary made me cry, floods of tears- Tears of relief…
What the fuck?
Okay, so I’m throwing a long ball, and it’ll be a while before I know the answer, but things have bugged me throughout my life and they were passed off by people around me; as normal. When I was born, for example, everyone who saw me mistook me for a girl. My mum always said it. I’ve been brought up to think that happens, and it’s normal; there are perfectly normal males out there who were like that.
Then there’s the fact that I never developed a great deal of body hair; and that, when I was younger, I was told (by quite a lot of people) that I’d look much better as a girl – Never had a great deal of muscle mass, for example. Hmmm. Interesting point here.
Then finally, for me, there’s the fact that I couldn’t deal with male puberty. Androgens wreaking havoc on my body nearly killed me a number of times – I remember four separate suicide attempts, for example. When learning about Sex and my sexuaity, I was more comfortable with the female role (there’s a lot behind this but it’s incredibly disturbing and I’m not, and may never be, ready to release it publicly but if I must write something down; then yes I was poking things in places where it didn’t feel right at the time for them to go).
When you put that together, Gender Dysphoria is the right diagnosis. That much is obvious. But then when I look at my physical development, and pictures of me when I was a child, then was there something else going on that has been left undiagnosed?…
Again, I always knew I was different; and a lot of my family knew it, but I never knew how.