Morning gorgeous XX
How are you all doing today? You good I hope? If you are, long may it continue and if not; big hugs and I wish you well.
This morning i’m going to play long ball with my own gender identity. I’m going in deep. Right back into my early childhood; now I’m ready to do so.
** Just to balance the books, I don’t want no sympathy and no trolls. This is me literally diarising what I think – day to day. That’s what a blog should be, isn’t it? **
Right, now that’s gone. I can jump in with both feet…
So I’m bouncing around the Internet, using my phone, waiting for my post and a parcel. When I come across a question on a Q&A site that I’ve been frequenting a great deal recently. It came from a concerned parent regarding their transgender child. The parent agrees that the child is Trans; but wants to explain to the child they are too young to understand the ramifications of hormones and surgery. On the face of it, the question appeared to be sound – my reasoning is take everything at face value and go from there. The answer relayed information regarding suicide rates in Transit youth and questioned the parents motives. “Think about your child?”, effectively.
Still all good in my book. Not my argument, I can still see both sides as I’m a parent myself. Any parent would rightly have those concerns and hopefully not express them in front of the child.
It linked to a video about research into transgender children – all well and good. A hot topic, don’t get me wrong, but one I have mixed views on as I can see both sides of the argument. No problem with that video. The next two I watched took me out at the knees…
And I cried. A lot.
If anyone reading this wants to watch the video, look for ‘The Dangers of Transgender Ideology’ on YouTube. It was damned hard for me to watch; but I did it none the less. Next up was a video from Germaine Greer about transgender women not being women. Put the two together and you get my state of mind at the end of it. This hurts and people are people, no two views are the same, I fully understand that. But when those views are presented in a way which makes you question your own identity, are they being correctly presented though?
So look, this is all new to me, this a voyage of self discovery and I was prepared to run with it – All the way. Way back into my childhood in fact. I went back through my teenage years, back through those memories of lying there in bed; playing with myself and discovering that I liked the female role in sexual situations. Back through the memories of first discovering my sexual organs and how they made me feel. And right back through the hurt and pain of my brother, the abuse from him and his peers, and the rape. All the way back to when I was a little boy, about five years old, and I was wanting to play with my sisters; rather than my brother. Wanting that because I didn’t like boys and boys things, because I didn’t want to be a boy – I wanted to be a girl.
I paused for a moment, back there and I thought about what life would have been like for me had therapy been involved. Had doctors and psychotherapists intervened and shown me a different way of thinking, a more male orientated one. What effect would that have had on my psyche? Well I don’t like the male penis I have attached to me. I used to wonder what the hell it was doing there and I couldn’t leave it alone – I was always being told off for that. And when it was finally presented to me (by my brother might I add) as as sexual organ, I hated it.
I tried to make it work for me but I couldn’t, at the time. Although I enjoyed orgasm, I always found ways to make it different; for it to last longer – the male orgasm is a short, sharp, shock; and that wasn’t enough for me, I wanted more. When I discovered there were other areas of my body that gave me sexual pleasure, I concentrated on those and used the penis as a mechanism to achieve orgasm afterward – much like women do with the clitoris. I became fascinated with the Angus and used it as a point of entry, bringing feelings that I might be gay – yet knowing that I am not (I have a family member who is and I’m not like them, remember?)
I remembered that I spent a great deal of time grooming as a teenager, a lot of time in the shower, and what I got up to in there – Shower sex, and how it made me feel (The term for it back in the day was Autogynephillia, old skool thinking here). How would I have felt about my genitalia had I been told something different, how would I feel about them now?
I thought about my sexual preference and what I’ve done to achieve that. I’ve had sex with a man, I’ve allowed it to happen and it happened in a female way, I was content with that. My feelings were feminine and I was happy with that, too. I’ve also had sex with women, more so than men. But I was never entirely happy with the orgasm’s I had. I was happy with some, don’t get me wrong but not all.
So after all of that, what did I choose? What did I choose for me? Taking into account all the social conditioning, all the possibilities of psychotherapy and all the psychotherapy I’ve been through, and finally, my own sense of self and my own feelings? (Yes, I did it that way around for a reason)
I cam to the conclusion that I am a Woman. I am a Trans Woman. And that I am proud to be a Trans Woman. I feel Trans.
Isn’t that what this blog is about?…
In closing, I hope the author of that video gets to read this post one day, I really do. Because if that paediatrician thinks she can change my mind about who I am, what I want to become and where I want to take my life. She’s welcome to give it a shot. She talks in that video about family therapy and environmental factors. About how helping the family to help the child works and the child grows up normal. About how years of psychotherapy and the child accepting their gender role works – The child grows into their role and all is fine.
Well I’ll tell you now. If you’ve read any of this blog, you’ll know that’s bullshit. None of my ex girlfriends, or my family, had the faintest idea. And thanks to the social conditioning I was brought up with, neither did I.
Love to you all,
Vikki xx
Feeling Trans 