Morning gorgeous xx
Hope you’ve been enjoying your Sunday, so far. For those in the world who are waking up on Monday? Have a great day, and I hope it’s a good one for you 🙂
Firstly, let me apologise if the content of some of these posts seems random, disparate or disconnected. That’s intentional. You see, the whole point for the blog was to write down my thoughts and feelings as I finally transition into the woman I was meant to be and that is what is happening now, finally.
He; the shell that carried me for so long and kept me alive while I was waiting to be set free, is no longer in existence. He is gone. There’s still some niggles that I need to take care of, loose ends that need to be tied up and affairs brought to a close. But he has since passed into history. There’s paperwork that needs changing over (there’s still some left, god I hate paperwork), I need to find a job (working on it, interviews in hand), there’s a whole financial mess that he has left behind and needs straightening out (won’t be pretty, and it’s going to affect my future). But it’s all gotta be done and taken care of – I need to get my **** together if I’m to build a new life.
But there’s one thing that really has to be sorted out, the one thing I can’t deal with on my own; and that’s my physical transition – The transformation of my body from Male to Female, so that when I look in the mirror I see me, not him. You see, now my mind is free, I need to set my body free too. I’m working on that, but it’s going to take time. And the best things come to those who wait.
I know what I want to have done, but I’m never going to be able to get it all done, at least I don’t think so. And that is something I have to accept, there are limitations as to what can be done. I’m not no spring chicken for starters, I’m not 16, I’m 46 and as a natural female; I would be hurtling toward menopause right now and all the hormonal changes that brings to a woman’s body. As my body is still partly male, that also means hormonal and physiological differences outside of the reproductive system (such as broad shoulders, etc). And not all of those can be resolved using current technology.
That has huge psychological ramifications when trying to deal with Gender Dysphoria and Body Dysmorphia. So, allow me to bullet point the physical changes that I’m dealing with, and you’ll start to get an understanding of the psychological aspects of the Transition:
- The obvious one is my hips, they’ll never be as curved as a natural female. I wear pads under my clothing; which helps when I’m dressed in the mirror but it’s never quite right when I’m naked.
- My skin is amazingly soft now and a proportion of my body hair has stopped growing, thank god but those damn legs can get hairy real quick!
- I have boobs – small ones, but boobs, and they’re growing – Assisted by the addition of the Female Contraceptive pill, would you believe.
- Facial hair growth has slowed and I’m assisting it’s removal by home IPL treatment. Long term I’ll need Laser treatment of full Electrolysis to remove it permanently but I’m achieving good results on my own.
- The hair on my head is growing really well but taking longer than I expected, so I’m still wearing a wig for the time being.
- I’m considering some kind of facial surgery. I know I thought I might not need it but I think it’s going to help, as I can still see him sometimes when I look in the mirror (especially if I’m not wearing the wig)
- And finally, there’s the appendage, between the legs, that one. That’s what caused the doctors to assign me as Male at birth and it’s the one thing that absolutely HAS to change. Apart from my son, it’s never done me any real favours – And if any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I know that has just upset you but I promise you the relationship we had was real, I just couldn’t tell you because I didn’t know (but we’ve all had this conversation, and I stick to what I’ve said to each of you)
So you see, the last point is the one that opens up the dialog about the psychological ramifications. And there are key things which, when I look back over the course of my life, were basically tells as to what was happening there. They’re private, and I think they’re going to remain so, they need to die with Bert actually and that’s my next task.
Still, knowing what I know now and applying it to the situation back then, I should have worked it out a long time ago, when I was a teenager; if I’m honest – And before then looking at certain photographs I’ve seen recently. They were all there, all the giveaways, the tell-tale signs, the pointers along the way. But I was brought up in a dichotomy, there were exceptions rather than rules and I wasn’t assigned an exception; so therefore I had to stick to the rules. I can take something from that, something useful. But I have to make my own rules now, and stick to them. The environment I was bought up in no longer works for me, it’s time to move on. Stage Two Complete…
Much Love,
Vikki xx
Feeling Trans 