Morning Gorgeous xx
You all having a good day? I do hope so, if not; as usual, I do wish you my very best and hope things improve – I really do.
** As I write this post, I do wonder if I should split it into two but in all honesty; I can’t be arsed. So please bear with me, there is a point to it all 🙂 **
So today was a strange day, for me at least. I had a very strange experience earlier, and it’s another one of those days where I’m writing the post at 4am. The 4am part is easy to deal with, that’s when I’m most comfortable writing (no distractions and my brain has had time to processs the previous day). But the other part requires a little more indepth writing…
Anybody who’s read this blog will, quite rightly, assume that I’m struggling in some way to get through this (Never! I hear some cries). That’s fine, I’ve always said I know more than I let on; I just don’t let you know that I know until I’m ready to tell you. Phew! That was hard work. But the reasons why I’m struggling are fairly straightforward. They arent actually anything to write home about. Firstly, the obvious one, is a Male to Female Transition and all the mental changes that come with it. Essentially this is the reason for the blog, to write them down, as Kylie sings “I can’t get you out of my head…”. But secondly, I’m actually growing up; becoming a fully functioning member of society (not that I haven’t been), joining the Female elite; so to speak – dealing with and working out problems that should have been sorted anything up to thirty-six years ago.
Now some of these problems are a bit, shall we say, forward in their nature – They have to be, it’s the nature of the beast (lol). It’s that feeling of being in your face with these problems that make them difficult to deal with. This is also the reason why so many people who transition later; stop, and don’t complete the transition. I’m going to be quite frank with you – As a man, its bloody scary losing your penis unless you’re 100% sure you don’t want it. This is especially true if you’ve used it in anger, as I have. Flipping appendage gets on my nerves, it really does…
So it’s now obvious that there is an issue that I haven’t really touched on, yet? Correct. I’m 100% sure that I’m Female, there’s no doubt about that. It bloody hurts when I think of my life in terms of living it as a Man. I never wanted to, I always felt obligated to – And obligation was a big part of his life. So big, in fact, that it led to massive emotional vulnerability because he couldn’t see past those obligations that he felt he had to commit to. They were just too big to deal with sometimes, and that hurt. But I don’t have to do that anymore, I can choose. If I don’t want you in my life and as an eample; if I think you’re trying to take something I don’t want to give, you’re out. Period. And I really couldn’t give a shit about it, it’s not my loss.
Well if you put all that together, then there’s obviously a sexual issue that I’ve found difficult to face. I’ve tried dealing with it, but I’ve obviously got it wrong; I wasn’t going about it the right way. I just hadn’t grown up and thought about it in the right way. Not at all.
OK, so, I don’t tell many people this (alright the whole world knows now) but I do consider myself psychic (and off go the idiots – not that this post is about that, it just brings me round to a point). But I like to play with Astrology & Tarot Cards and all of that, from time to time – Usually when I’m trying to work something out. When I start messing with that, that is normally the biggest indicator there’s something going on in my subconscious that needs resolving. And you can obviously guess what happened today? No… Yes, go on give me grief for it. As usual it all comes back telling me there’s a block. Aspects in the stars and all that are telling me to go back and work out some issues in order to move forward. Don’t procrastinate, or things will get worse, yada yada yada..
And there is. As is human nature, at some point in our life, we have to choose a mate – go read up on Anthropology, I ain’t going there; I blabber enough as it is but you get what I mean. And Males and Females have different methods of doing so. And yes, for approximately 35 years I’ve worked with the male method of doing so – Think Woman, Point Cock, Go collect prize (Want to argue with me, go look up David De’Angelo first; then we’ll argue on the laws of attraction).
But that don’t work anymore. In all honesty, it never fucking worked to begin with. If I ask all my ex’s what they seen in me, their first answer would be my intelligence and the fact that I was different to other men – now you know why girls 🙂 And it sure as hell isn’t going to work going forward, I ain’t got no testosterone controlling me anymore; so what the hell is going on? Easy.
Dysphoria comes in waves, like a womans orgasm believe it or not; but we’ll get to that part later as well. And my doctors have given me a new drug to try, Degarelix, a GnRH Antagonist (lots of medical terms here). Now the first injection was a roaring success; worked brilliantly and the second injection was the same, fabulous. However the second injection was three times the dosage it should have been, shit. Bring on the third injection and the nurse is back (she was absent for round two) and she panics. Lovely.
“This is the wrong injection!”, she said, “I can’t give you this!” and she flies out of the room to see a doctor. Great. Out comes the phone, off we go to do some research and we find the correct and safe doses, depending on your treatment (although mine is off-label). Back she comes, without the drug, what the f… “I can’t give it to you”, she said, “The doctor doesn’t trust it.” And no amount of arguing will bring her out of the state of panic she is now in, she got worse when I told her I’d already had 2 doses at max strength, I think I’d be OK if she gave me a single vial or measured it out. I’d also just started on the pill (Desogestrel) and the mood swings were kicking in and ultimately, all this led to me having NO injection for 40 days (it should be 28) and severe period symptoms. You gotta love the NHS in the UK.
Fast forward up to date, grabs my doc; argues the point, he sorts it out and the right dose is on repeat and he’ll let me do it myself. Winner, winner, chicken dinner – I have more control over my treatment. Ladies, this is how I’m doing it. I’m using my common sense and being adult about it, not being a flipping teenager who can’t see past their own sex drive (I do know another Trans Woman who can’t get past the sexual entertainment side of it, and they fucking need to before they destroy something).
Right. So I poked the needle in me today and I’m flipping glad I did as well. Within 15 minutes I was back to normal (as normal as I get). I was actually on the phone to my mate at the time when I felt it all shutdown and reboot, and I had to tell her what was going on as she’d already mentioned I sounded a bit weird. But that’s what these drugs do, they shut the wrong shit down and reboot the system so you can go in and fix the problem – hence why I always need sleep after injecting.
So back to normal, feeling fine again but something is not right – Need to sort it. See tarot cards earlier, you get where I was going. I gave up and wen’t to bed in the end.
Right, so we’re down in the core here, and this is why treatment for Gender Dysphoria has to be spot on and you have to see through what the patient is telling you – Out came the emotions. All the Female feelings that I’d been holding back over the last few weeks. The tears, the anger, the confusion, the longing, the wanting… There’s too much Testosterone in there, it’s raised my sex drive and I couldn’t hold it back. Fuck.
But then, as I was lying there in bed, I realised something. I realised I hadn’t dealt with something that I needed to, and that problem has been there since I was a teenager. I was scared of dealing wih it and I had no one to turn to for help – I wouldn’t have been believed. Well I would have done, but they’d have come to the wrong conclusions and sent me down the wrong path as they would have assumed I was gay, and I’m not.
Yes, it was that problem. To help you, as a teenager, I remember lying there in my bed, my sex drive was high and as most teenage boys do; I had a play. But my play was different, I didn’t like the way my brother taught me how to play, I was more intune with my sisters and I wanted to be lke them, I wanted to play like them, I wanted to be a girl.
So I tried to play like them, and I used what tools I had available, and I got so far; but it was never right. There was something missing. Just like there was tonight. Only this time I knew what it was and I knew what I had to to do, and I know I’m going to do it.
But that’s not all that’s come out of tonight. You see, there are two… Interests… shall we say, who have been treating me very respectfully and courting me, good lads. I’ve enjoyed the attention, it’s taught me a lot about the female emotional and sexual response – we haven’t had sex by the way. And it’s been very comforting. But I don’t believe their intentions are strictly honourable, I think they’re playing a game an they’re only after one thing – I am a Tranny after all.
How did I work this out? OK easy, one put barriers in the way. He told a story, presented me with evidence that would have made me question different things and put me off the scent. If X=Y and Y=Z, doesn’t X also equal Z? You dig? The other, was harder, he was a true gent. Came to my house, had a cup of tea, go to know me; my likes, dislikes, my life in general. But he slipped up last time he was here and mentioned my OP. He asked me have I had it yet? Like it was important to him. Then backtracked when I questioned why he wanted to know, as he should know the answer to that – If he’d been listening…
Chasers, they call them. They chase Trans people and fetishize them for their own sexual entertainment. Fucking freaks me out. Even more so as I played that part myself at one point and watched all the porn movies, and logged onto the dating sites, etc.
Looking back; it makes me fucking sick. If I’d have known then what I know now; I’d have left well alone, but I didn’t. What’s worse, is some of this shit goes back 20 plus years. I’ve had internet access since the World Wide Web was invented in 1991; by Tim Berners Lee (at the CERN research institute in Zurich, by the way). And high speed internet access via ISDN or better since 1998. I was also on the team that brought high-speed internet access to the masses in the UK, in 2006 (there’s a story behind that).
I’ve always had access to so-called “Tranny Porn”, as cisgender males describe it. I just never fucking knew I was one, it never entered my fucking head that that was why I was watching it. I could always hide this shit behind the possibility that I was gay, or later; bisexual. But coming out as Trans has been a liberation for me, and living life as a woman, even more so. I’ve never been happier, my environment has never been so fulfilling, and my life, almost, complete.
Yes there’s more work to do. Yes there’s still some small issues I have to resolve. Yes I have to continue on my journey and see it through. But here’s the thing; that one day, that one incident, should have been enough for me to take action and deal with this as a teenager, and I couldn’t. I couldn’t because I was scared. I was a scared little girl screaming out for help inside the body of a tired, scared, little boy. Having no voice and way out. Trapped, seemingly forever, inside a prison not of my own making. And it’s always been said by people I know that I’ve been crying out for help, and I needed to figure out why.
Well now I know, now I’m getting the help and I’m doing most of the work myself – Because I can, and there’s no one else to do it for me. Charing Cross, the GIC in London, I am ready for you. I am ready to start my treatment and put this to bed for the last time. I just hope you guys are ready for me as I’m not in the habit of fucking about, not with my history; I’ve learnt the hard way…
Love to you all,
Vikki xx
Feeling Trans 