Morning Gorgeous…
How are you all today? Good I hope. As that’s the meaning of life; to feel good about ourselves, to survive in this crazy world of ours and for life to be peaceful and enjoyable – Whatever issues life may throw at us.
However, life isn’t always like that. It isn’t always a bed of roses, we do make mistakes and life is a challenge. We have good days and bad days. We do things right, sometimes amazingly so and we get things wrong… Also amazingly so. We can’t always have what we want, and there are times when we must pay for our mistakes and paying for those mistakes isn’t always in a way we expect. What was that phrase my mother used to say when she was alive? “God doesn’t pay his kindnesses back in money”, very true one. Of course, me being me, it was a long time before I learnt the true meaning of that phrase, and in order to do so; I’ve had to see both sides of the coin.
Which brings me nicely to the point of this post. I’ve done things I regret, we all have, I very much doubt we’d be human if we hadn’t. It doesn’t matter how big or small those things are; they are there. Sitting in the background of your life, just waiting to come at you one day, and bite your bum. And they will, they always will.
What is the point of this? It’s twofold, let me break them out…
Firstly, I’m making a public apology for the things I’ve done wrong. And there’s several terrible things I’ve done, but I did them. It WAS my fault. I WAS to blame. And whatever else I say, to whoever else I do, I will never deny that. I did it, it was my fault. Irrespective of the actions I take or the words I use, if I’ve done something to hurt you, I DID IT. There is no denying that; and anybody who knows me, will know I never will – Especially if the weight of evidence is against me!
Look, I can be argumentative; it’s true, I will argue back. I can, and sometimes will, make you PROVE your point; even in what appears to be the face of reason! I also can, and do, have a terrible memory for events – I MAY NOT REMEMBER! It’s a blank, fill me in and walk me through it; but don’t call me out for it. And I also can, and sometimes will, fly in the face of reason and make that many attempts to apologise that I’ll make the issue a hundred times worse – Walk away Vic, and stay away.
Yeah, I’ve made mistakes as well. Asking things of people I shouldn’t have asked, doing things I shouldn’t have done and taking things I shouldn’t have took. They’re all there, the entire gamut of mistakes that can be made; at some point I’ve made them.
There are people out there who will say I’m not a nice person. They’re right to say that based on the situation we were in. At that time they saw my bad side; and I did what I did because I did it. Period.
For that, I wholehearted and sincerely apologise. I am sorry.
But there is a second reason for this post as well, and this is the underlying issue. I’m Autistic – Asperger Syndrome (or ASD Level 1 as it’s known); and us Autistic people, we think and act different to NeuroTypical people. Our brains are wired differently, and not always in a good way. For proof of that; see above. When I look back at my life; I see the many good things I have done, but I also see many bad things – As mentioned, some very bad.
The problem is, I don’t see everything. As an Autistic, I can’t read social cues; be they good or bad. Body language and hidden communication, to most NT (NeuroTypical) people, is a skill that can be learnt and a very useful language when you’ve learnt it, but not to me. I’ll be blunt and to the point – It’s an absolute fucking minefield, ripe for an explosion with me. If I’m going to make a mistake, if I’m going to screw up royal; I won’t see it coming, not a chance.
I can think of a recent situation, which involves a very big wrong that I did to someone, where I walked into an absolute minefield and it blew up in my face. What caused it to blow up in my face was misinterpreted, but I also forgot something that was said to me. It was my own fault, all of it, including the original event.
Here’s the problem though, it wasn’t until I received the outburst of someone anger; that I realised what had happened. And it was talking to someone about it later, that I put two and two together. If the people involved ever read this, to you, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry. No if’s, and’s or buts. Period. If you need an explanation, see above. That’s why we are here.
So OK, back to the post. Why is it called “360 Degree Feedback”? That’s simple, that’s what I’m asking for; feedback. BUT I’m asking for feedback with a difference. Let me explain, firstly by saying that I’ve expanded this blogs reach – I never intended this blog to enter my professional life, it was always a personal thing. (FeelingTrans means just that; Feeling Transition – The thoughts and feelings, from a brutally honest perspective, of how I’m handling the biggest life-changing decision that anyone can ever make) and secondly, using a hashtag; which I hope, if things proliferate, will bring about some kind of change. Not just for me, but anyone in my situation.
For anyone who doesn’t quite “get it”, who can’t “get it”, who doesn’t understand HOW to “get it”; even if their intelligence level is such as that they should “get it”.
For people like me, the worst thing you can do is be nice when I’ve done something wrong. Thinking you can spare my feelings by sugar coating it, and sweetening it up. And there it is, the hashtag:
#dontsugarcoatthebadstuff
Vikki Kinsella, Jan 2020
Don’t do it. Don’t spare my feelings, because I won’t feel it – Unless you give it to me straight. No point in pulling your punches, because if I don’t hit the floor, it didn’t hurt. I’m not going to cry about it, unless I have no choice and you bring me to tears. And I sure as hell ain’t going to learn from it, unless it leaves it’s mark on me! It’s that simple.
So I’ve linked this blog with my LinkedIn profile. LinkedIn is a business network, owned by Microsoft and prolific all over the world. So this post will appear in a social network designed for business users. A network designed with professional people in mind. Designed to expand your network and enhance your career, moving it forward. Designed to do business, by business, for business.
There’s a problem. THIS POST and this post alone, has the potential to destroy my career. In the beginning, did I not admit my faults, did I not say I can be a bad person and did I not ‘fess up for doing things wrong? Would you want to do business with me?
And here’s the deal, here’s what I’m asking. I’m asking anyone who reads this to tell me what’s wrong. If I’ve ever done something wrong to you, air it in the comments (on any forum that you see this). If you don’t like me, say so. If you’ve got a gripe, or a problem, tell me. And don’t hold back.
For those that don’t recognise me, I’ll do something no Trans person should ever do. I’ll give you my former names. In fact, here they are below:
- Vikki Kinsella
- Bert
If you know me and you’ve worked with me, and you’ve got something to say, say it. Come straight out with it. I’m asking you, not to sugar coat the bad stuff.
Much Love,
Vikki xx
Feeling Trans 