This is my church…

Morning Gorgeous xx

How are you all today? Good I hope? Hope your having a better week than the one I’ve had anyway. And for those that aren’t feeling oh-so-well at the moment, I FEEL YOUR PAIN. I really do because at the moment it just seems to be one crisis after another.

As I sit here and write this, I’m feeling a great deal of pain both in my heart and in my head. That’s because the situation I am currently in is not one that I would have liked to found myself in. But I am in it, and currently there is little I can do to get myself out of it. The pain I am feeling is sourced in the fact that I have allowed myself to be led by a desire to not be alone. The pain of living alone, having few friends in the area where I was living, and not having regular work to keep my mind occupied; as driven me to do something I would not normally do.

To add substance. I have friends, close friends; both here in the North West of England and in the East of England, were I was previously living. Having had little contact with my parents and family over the last few years, my friends have become my family and I try to treat them all with the love and respect they deserve. I am the type of person who can make acquaintances extremely easily, but friends, true friends and lasting friendships are difficult for me to maintain and hold. That’s autism for you, neuro diversity is such an extremely complex and strange beast that even those who are neuro diverse finding difficult to live with. Once you are a friend of mine you are a friend for life and so far I’ve lost only one of those friends to something which I know I should not have done, but that was also a situation which with hindsight I should have avoided.

I now feel as though a second situation of a similar magnitude may be approaching, and I may not be able to avoid this one either. Being the type of person that I am the lessons learnt from the previous situation are only serving to warn me that a repeat instance is approaching. I do not yet know how to avoid this situation, only that it is approaching faster than I currently handle.

I also feel the current circumstances are being magnified by the current coronavirus pandemic and the fear and panic that risk averse people in positions of power are currently spreading around the globe. This is not helpful when you’re trying to rebuild your life after the amount of distress which I found myself facing across the Christmas period.

But needs must. And I am unable to self actualise while my basic needs are not being met. The issues I am facing are striking at the very core needs that a person in this Western world would need to survive long-term. I am a fighter however, and I will always fight. Whether that be emotionally or physically, whether that be from anger inside myself or felt from other people. But I’m not sure if I have the energy to fight the current battles that are stacked up against me.

I don’t know without looking back through previous posts, whether I have talked about the déjà vu which has plagued my life since I was 28 years old. I may talk about this in another post. As it’s relevance here today is only to point out that the more déjà vu I have, the bigger the warning of a situation I cannot avoid. And I have had a lot of déjà vu and lucid dreams in recent weeks.

I will admit, here and now, in public, that I am scared for my future. I am fearful of a situation which will have a major impact on my life, and I’m fearful of the outcome of that situation as it may not be what I have expected for the last 30 years. I am worried that events will head in a direction that I do not want them to go. I’m concerned, afraid, that I will lose everything I have worked for; that I will lose everything I have or have ever had, and will find myself out there with nothing but me and what I can carry.

I know from experience that if I were to find myself in that situation that I would not survive. And having only recently found my true self, after searching all my life, I feel robbed of the fact I will not have time to enjoy life as me.

These are my concerns. And everything I just written is my deepest, darkest, fears. I’m scared it’s all coming true and there is little, if anything, I can do to stop it. But I am also scared that I am not ready to face those fears and they will overwhelm me, and destroy me.

I know that there are people who will read this that will worry for my mental health, my physical health and my state of well-being. There will be questions raised as to why I am not asking for help from these people. There will be questions raised as to why I am thinking this way, I’m writing this now. There will be questions raised as to what, if anything, can be done about it.

I assure you, all of you. Both those who know me well and those not much, that whatever is happening now is what must happen and I must try to follow my own advice, and feel the fear and go through it anyway.

That is advice that is very easy to say yet very difficult to follow and I know this because I’ve been there before. But what I didn’t know is that there are situations where even taking advice, no matter how difficult, can seem so much harder than what would be considered the easy way out. Not that that is what I am going to do, far from it in fact.

As a post, this is very much the opposite in terms of feeling than most of the posts that I have written in the past. And it comes a time where it is completely unexpected for me to be writing such a post. That is me, that is the way I am. For those are concerned, do not worry I will always find a way. But as I also say, change cannot come without risk and I am taking the risk by posting this. To borrow a line from Faithless:

“This is my church. This is where I heal my hurts”

Faithless, God is a DJ – 1998

Much Love,

Vikki xx

By Vikki Kinsella

My name is Vikki, and I’m a Transgender Female living and working in the UK.

I’ve started this blog purely as a way of writing down my thoughts and feelings, as I now start my journey through transition from living life as Male to becoming Female, and beyond. You see, I spent 45 years of my life living as, what is now known as, a cisgender Male - With almost no idea that I could even consider being Female, let alone consider corrective surgery. But I must admit I did have a tendency to THINK like a woman sometimes... But doesn't every Man think like a woman on occasion? Don't try and hide it boys, you know you do, lol...