Good afternoon people. How are we all today? Hope we’re good and surviving well. I only wish the best for everybody and come what may, understand that the wheel of fortune will always turn in your favour eventually. It must, it’s Karma…
Which is the subject of this flipping post. This is not a 4am musing, as is usual for me, this a 2pm “What the actual fuck just happened, and why did it have to happen that way? – f’kin why me?!”. And it is. Why me? What in mother natures name of earth made the universe think that those events, happening in that sequence, would be right for me? What do I need to learn that means I’ve got to go through that? Especially when it’s pretty damn obvious that I’m going to see the events in the way that I do?…
Trust me. Head wrecker. My brain feels like a fried egg in a pan – Are we going over-easy or sunny side up? Being honest, I prefer my eggs sunny-side up and runny. So I can pop my chips or my toast in it. And they are awesome on a Bacon & Egg sandwich. Nom, nom.
So, look. Let keep it short & sweet and give you a brief outline. Please note that the situation I’m about to describe happens to me a lot; in both directions. There are times when I end up looking over my glasses, from side to side and thinking… What the f… just happened.
Right. So, things haven’t been going OK. I missed my pre-surgical appointments in February (details in a later post). Really miffed about it. Didn’t expect any contact from the clinic for about a year – Remember, Covid has really played havoc with peoples timescales. So I decided, “Learn to live with what you’ve got, get on with it”. Had no choice, really. Not expecting my bottom surgery now until 2024/25. We’re only in 2022. Peeved is not the word but it is what it is. Best thing to do? Go f*** your way through a website, get it out of your system.
So I did. I’ll explain which website and why later, but it was a good move. To a point…
Last weekend comes around, I’m arranging a social. Someone’s interested, bring it on. Life is about having fun. However, there’s a complication. Things are not… Obvious. And it turns out this complication was, in fact, a roadblock. Much more of a hurdle to be managed than I thought. But thankfully one that has been dealt with (Am I being cryptic, of course I am; There’s information you need to know and I have no intention of typing it here, later darling!). This hurdle, having turned into a roadblock, meant I had to use my assertive traits, to deal with the issue at hand and find a way through it, or around it.
It hurt, a lot. I really don’t like using my assertive traits to tell people off that I’ve only just met – I’m really not that type of person. And by doing so, I felt pain in my heart and I cried. I even wondered if there was a way of ending my life; because I couldn’t deal with the emotional roller coaster I’d been sent on. And the root cause of that roller coaster, was the the most shocking part about it. I really couldn’t understand what the feck had happened and had no point of reference, in order to gain a foothold and deal with it. What happened, was the last thing I expected to happen – Never in a month of Sundays…
Result? – My head, Monday night, was fried. Like an egg on a bacon sandwich.
Tuesday evening, with a little bit of help, I managed to sort the issue to a point where I could be happy again. And move on from it. But it wasn’t easy though, nearly cost me a close friend. I am not letting that happen again. Feck that. My friend did not deserve to have to deal with me in that state, and I don’t feel it fair that she did. We have talked about it and we are all good. Thankfully.
Fast forward to today, Wednesday. Less than 48 hours since flipping my nut and wanting to end it all. And a phone call arrives. From a number I don’t recognise. I’m like… Who’s this? I’m done with work, so it can’t be that shite. I’m not expecting a call. I just want to get in my studio and write some music today, finally…
Turns out to be the clinic, yeah, that’s leftfield. They have news. Good news – The game is back on. My pre-surgical appointments are being booked. February was not the total flipping disaster that I thought it was after all, but it generated a fire-break. And when are these appointments? Six weeks away… What the actual? That’s the news I’ve been waiting for, for over nine months! I want these appointments because I want this surgery, it’s life changing stuff… Where did that come from? The game is well and truly, on. Gonna get rid of that thing swinging between my flipping legs, after all. Finally. And I’m bouncing off the goddam ceiling…
Now, I did say this was a WTF post? Didn’t I? It’s called Karmic Balance for a reason…
But then that’s what went through my head – The good must always balance out the bad. We have to achieve a level playing field. Yin must always counter Yang. The forces of nature will always strive for balance and harmony. It is what must be. Either that, or my name is Amber Heard (You heard it here first, folks)…
And it is. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. What goes up must come down. There must always be a negative to attract a positive. One and One must always make Two. My only question, is why does it have to be so god damn obvious with me? Why do I have to be the one that sees the Yin and the Yang for what they are, in the raw. Why must I be 0.5? What the f*****g hell was I put on this godforsaken ball of rock for? Does my life really have to be like this? Is there no way I can change it? (See the post on Deja Vu, if I’ve written it, for the answer to that one)
Look at this way (And I’ll go into more detail later) – Sexually, I’m a Bisexual Trans Switch. If there is anybody in the middle of the sexes, it’s me. But I do not describe myself as non-binary. Why? Because as Human beings, I believe, we are binary – There has to be a 0 and a 1; but who said there can’t be a 0.5, it’s in the middle of the two after all…
Yeah, my head hurts as well. Go get some sleep, I need another Gin…
Much Love,
Vikki xx
Feeling Trans 