Hidden Disabilities Do Exist

Morning gorgeous ❤️💛💚💙💜 xx

How are you all today? I hope you are well and staying as safe as can be, in this ever changing world of ours. For those that are facing difficulties, maybe this post will help. It might bring some comfort, maybe you feel less alone?… Maybe it won’t, but do take comfort from the fact that we all our crosses to bear. And (to those who don’t feel that they have a cross to bear) remember, everything changes. And it can change in the blink of an eye. Never forget that.

On a second note, this post was originally written back in May 2021. Life was different back then, for me. And I was in the middle of a transformation that took more courage than I ever thought possible. And one that will, when it’s complete, show the world a completely different version of me than I ever imagined; when I started my transition. I’ve still got a long way to go, and there’s a lot of things that need to come out. But they will. All in good time…

Now, those who read this blog regularly will have probably noticed a few things about it – There’s a lot of text but not many images? The frequency of my posts can be a little… Odd; for example?… Yes? Well allow me to let you in on a little secret. I have a very plausible reason for it. A reason which I’ve tried to hide, as I couldn’t openly discuss it. A reason which fractured my mental health and drove me forward. Almost, a raison d’etre. But not quite. Have a look at the picture below and see what you make of it?

X-Ray, Hinchingbrooke Hospital, 6th May 2018

Take a look at the X-Ray above, and see what you think. Go on, take your time, no rush…

What you’re seeing is the result of an attack that happened on the 6th of May, 2018 – Nearly four years ago – Yes, that’s an X-Ray, taken at the time, of my right hand. Believe it.

Now bear in mind that, prior to the incident, I was a time-served IT Engineer with 30 years experience; and an accomplished pianist, composer & DJ in my spare time. And you’ll start to realise that that incident changed my life completely – It was never going to be the same again.

But can’t they do something about it? Surely that’s repairable?

Well. This is where it gets interesting. And not all in a good way. Please allow me to tell you the story of what happened, and I’ll allow you to make your own judgements. Sound OK? If so, then I’ll begin…

The story starts prior to my transition, in 2017. Back then, I was just an ordinary man with a slightly extraordinary life. I’d finally discovered that I am Autistic and was coming to terms with the upheaval in life, that had been wrought upon me with that revelation (Trust me, it changed a few things). My closest friend at the time was helping me to turn my life around, and bring some sense of normality back into it. As I’d lost almost everything I had; but managed to find a home for myself (I could drift off into the back story here, but I’m not going to; maybe in a later post). And I was working as a Senior Analyst at HR software company here in the UK (Read Toiletgate for how that ended). I was starting to get things back on track – Making new friends, building a relationship with my son, struggling to hold a job down; all the usual. I was in recovery, I just needed time.

Well as you know from the fact that this blog exists, I never got that time. Things changed for me August Bank Holiday, 2017. Slap! Right in the face. Just when you think you haven’t got enough to deal with? Deal with this as well… Oh, and this shit is big. Like catastrophically big. Yeah, it’s called Transition.

So as you’d know if you’ve read most of my posts (see “A Brave New World“, and work forward from there, if not), my transition was quick. Stupidly quick. I didn’t go through any of the Cross Dressing stages that most go through, and I never lived a double life. I went from one, to the other, in three months flat. Took me by surprise, never mind everyone else.

But that was the problem, being out and proud from day one is the worst way going about it. And yet it can be the most successful. I faced my fears head on, dealt with them as they happened, and fought back where necessary. I am not one to take discrimination, in any of its forms, lying down – Respect my Existence, or Expect my Resistance; is pretty much me through and through. There’s a sharp end of that, though. And it came from a place I never expected – My bestie’s boyfriend. At that point in my life, you didn’t get much closer to me than that; as my family were not present during my transition (You’d expect them to be, but that’s a wholly different story). So when I realised that he was Transphobic, it put me in a very difficult position; do I say something? Or don’t. There’s got to be a way of dealing with this amicably; it’s all about balance, right?

There wasn’t… Not at all.

In fact, over time, his attitude to both me and her, for knowing me, deteriorated extremely rapidly. In fact, he was my first lesson in how men treat women; and it was a shock to the system, let me tell you!

He was a musician and music producer as well. And when he found out that I could play and write music, he was hell bent on getting me in front of recording equipment. And eventually, he managed it – I decided to write a song for TDoV 2018 (Transgender Day of Visibility). I wanted to do something to show that I was a part of that movement, that I was Trans myself and I understood; Because I was already feeling stark discrimination, on levels which nobody should be discriminated on (see Toiletgate).

So we did it. We wrote a song. He seen me play like I’d never played before, and he was impressed. I gave him enough material for about for or five songs, in one twenty minute session. Even my bestie came up to see what was going on (and she never bothered, normally). The tune was awesome and everybody that has heard it says it should be released. And it’s here for you to listen to, if you want…

Zero SX & Exposure – Reprise

I think it’s good, tinged with sadness, but it’s good. Nice bit of EDM to break up your afternoon. It is flipping copyright though, so don’t be nicking it – But you can download it if you want. Creative Commons Licence 2.0 and all that.

So all is well (or so I thought), we write this tune, we’re unsure whether to release it or not. Discussions are being had. But while this was going on, the relationship between him and my bestie was deteriorating, flipping rapidly. Like, what the actual… Was going on. I didn’t like it one tiny little bit and I was concerned. But I kept out of it for her sake, even though I knew it was me that was the problem and I couldn’t do anything about it. Wasn’t my place to. I steered clear as much as I could though.

Her mum decided to try and sort it out, and too them away on Holiday; hoping things would ease up. Good shout, just… Too late. The holiday ended disastrously and he flew back on his own and locked himself in the house. At which point, I got the call.

He’s going out for the day; can you go in, get the locks changed, get his stuff out and call me when you’re done – We’ve split up. And, rightly so, I’m gonna do it. She’s my bestie. I knew it was him and on that call, she iterated to me that she was choosing her bestie over her fella (They’d only been together about a year and I’d known her nearly three). So in I went. No questions asked, it was a no brainer.

Except things don’t always go according to plan, do they?

Locksmith turned up late, I didn’t get enough time to get it all sorted and he came back as I was finishing up. And that’s when the argument started and the fight began. My priority was the house and the dogs, he was the least of my worries; whatever happens, happens, I’ll deal with it. If there’s going to be a fight, I’m not backing down, I’m under orders to protect the house. It was one hell of a fight, I assure you. I would not back down, even after we went through the garden hedge and fence into the neighbours view. I was in the right.

It was at this point the neighbour came out, but they didn’t intervene straight away. Which left enough time for him get up, hold me down, extend my right arm as far as he could, and snap my fingers back in an attempt to get the key out of my hand. Hyper-extending the ligaments, snapping them and breaking bone in the process. I let out a very loud scream and it was only then, that the neighbour intervened. Pulling him off me.

I was in a lot of pain (I am now, trust me, this hurts to write down).

I got up and ran away, straight into the arms of a waiting policeman. Who once he got involved made the mistake of allowing him back in the house, even though all his stuff had been removed. Things went missing, she’s told me and I believe her. He should never have been allowed back in, supervised or not.

I went to hospital and the incident went down as an affray, and no one was charged. There are reasons for that but I’m not going into them – Just understand that, whether I like it or not, it was the right decision. You don’t have the full story, and it’s taken me four years to come to terms with that. It’s hard enough for me to write this, so do not judge; it’s not for you to do.

I didn’t receive proper medical help for several months after the event, which is a failing of the UK NHS; that has taken me a long time to come to terms with, as well. They tried, but it wasn’t enough. They should have operated on both fingers and not just the middle one. Surgical straightening was not enough intervention to resolve the issues with the ring finger and it is still bent out of place, even now. and I’m in a lot of pain.

But you know what? I won’t let it stop me. I’ve started posting again; this is the reason why there’s so few posts between mid 2018 and now – It fucking hurts! I’ve started playing the piano again, and I’ve got a new song in the works, I can’t wait for you to hear it. It’s good. And I’m looking for work, but not having much luck. Que Sera…

So that’s the next part of the story. There’s more to come. I need to go back through over 100 posts and see what I’ve written about; probably best not to duplicate effort. But once I get my head around where I’m at, things should start to happen. I’ve changed, a lot. And I like the changes. I feel so much more human now, than I ever did. I hope you like them too. Because the only way is up. The twenty year circle is complete. It’s time to move on.

Much love,

Vikki xx

By Vikki Kinsella

My name is Vikki, and I’m a Transgender Female living and working in the UK.

I’ve started this blog purely as a way of writing down my thoughts and feelings, as I now start my journey through transition from living life as Male to becoming Female, and beyond. You see, I spent 45 years of my life living as, what is now known as, a cisgender Male - With almost no idea that I could even consider being Female, let alone consider corrective surgery. But I must admit I did have a tendency to THINK like a woman sometimes... But doesn't every Man think like a woman on occasion? Don't try and hide it boys, you know you do, lol...

3 replies on “Hidden Disabilities Do Exist”

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