Morning gorgeous xx

How you all doing today? Good I hope. I can honestly say that since my last post; I haven’t been – far from it in fact, I’ve been very stupid. In fact, I’ve been making the kind of mistakes a 14 year old girl would make. Yet from the perspective of someone who is 46 years old.

That means I’ve been experiencing some VERY powerful emotions. The kind of emotions and feelings that are uncontrollable. The kind that make you do things you wouldn’t normally do.

Yes, those.

I’ve done something very stupid and I’ve scared quite a few people; including myself – Because I was that stupid. Stupid enough to do something that I said I’d never do again; and yet I did. Can’t do that again, can’t repeat the mistakes of the past; that’s what brought me here in the fisrt place and this was one very big, and very stupid mistake. One which a lot of people will shout at me for (and as I write this, of those that I have told; most have) – It is well deserved.

Basically though, I’ve blown my whole life apart and it’s about time I did. Things cannot continue in the direction they were going in. I believe I’m at a dead end.

I’m here as a result of some extremely powerful emotions inside my head, trying desperately to get out. They need tocome out, they’ve destroyed me more than once and I stubbornly refuse to put a lid on them anymore.

The next few weeks will be crucial.

Much Love,

 

Vikki

Morning Gorgeous xx

How are you all today? Good I hope. As you all know, that’s all I ever want to see; is everyone happy and enjoying life if they possibly can. The motto is; “If life throws you lemons, make lemonade”. And that is all too true. We are all here for a reason and we must live to find out what that reason is. so make that lemonade, and make it the best you’ve ever made. Then enjoy every minute of drinking it. THAT is what it is all about.

I suppose youre wondering why I’ve written that today? I wouldnt blame you. Well the reason behind it is also the reason why I’m compelled to write this post. I’m writing it for someone I know. Someone I now know very well. And someone, now I’ve found them, I don’t want to lose. For that person is Amazing, truly amazing and they’ve left me totally speechless. I don’t know what to say.  I don’t even know where to start. I just know that if I don’t capture this now, I’m afraid I’ll lose it forever – and I don’t ever want to do that.

When this person reads this post, and I hope they do, they’ll know it’s written for them. They’ll know why. And I hope they see this post for what it is – me capturing something I’ve never felt before, and something I’ve yet to learn how to explain. But in order to try, I must write it down. So write I will.

I’ll start with a story. A story which has never made sense to me until recently, but is very close to my heart. A story which, one day, I know will come true – very soon if my current feeling are correct. And I can’t wait for that to happen now, because I’d love it if the person that this post is intended for is part of that story. Because in our own, very similar way, we are both unique. And with the right guidance; hopefully from each other, we could do great things. I want that to happen, but time will reveal all.

Ok, so you know how I came to write this blog. If you’ve read everything from the beginning, you’ll know the kind of life I’ve had. How I came to be who I am today. You’ll know the trauma, the pain, and some of the laughs and the memories. And I’ll start with some of those memories; they’re very important. But they’re not memories I share often, and due to that, i can’t remember if I’ve shared them before. One word may jog your memory; however, and that word is Deja-Vu.

The feeling of having done something before but knowing full well you haven’t. The flashbacks, the memory’s and the dreams. The dreams from when I was a teenager which compelled me to move forward and have driven me to shape my life the way I have. The waiting for something exciting to happen, something that would change my life completely and allow me to be me, and live life to the fullest. We as we know, coming out as Trans; learning to be the woman I’ve always wanted to be, and living my life to the fullest and enjoying every minute of it, was that change. A change in perception and being able to see things for what they really are. THATS the difference and I’m not scared anymore.

So OK, what the hell. Why now? Why write this? I’ll tell you. I met someone recently, someone in a similar position to me, but further along. I found I liked that person, more than I realised but I could never explain why. I just knew I had to get to know that person; because they were significant somehow. I’m attracted to that person – a lot. And I want them around.

We have a similar outlook in life, similar backgrounds. We like similar things, there’s differences; of course there are. But I believe we’re similar enough to see those differences for what they are – differences. That’s it. The flip side though, is we are different enough to allow ourselves space, if we want it. I know I would if they wanted it and I’d back them to the hilt in anything they want to do; no matter how different it is for me – I’d be there and I think they’d be there for me. It’s that feeling, you know the one I mean. That one.

So where’s this some from? What’s blown your head off? OK. Today has been an interesting day. I’ve been for an interview for a job, and I hope I’ve passed round one. I don’t know, but we can hope. I went to see a friend after that. And we had an open heart discussion. I was as honest as I can be, I don’t want to lose this friend; or their family, as they mean a lot to me – they’ve helped me massively and shown me the way back to being the person I need to be. I value they’re support. I’ve let them down recently; with reason, but not reason enough to mean I wasn’t in the wrong and needed to apologise for some of the things I’ve done. And I do. I know they’ll read this – I hope they can see that I mean what I say.

Well I finally arrived home, phoned my mum to wish her happy birthday, and have a catch-up. Mother / Daughter chat. I miss my mum; but I’m glad she’s back in my life, it means a lot.

And then a certain person appeared, and we started chatting, a lot. I enjoyed the chat very much and I want to have more of those chats, I hope I can as we are so similar, yet so different; I just completely relaxed. So much so that I asked a question, a very forward question; which I wouldn’t normally have done. I would have avoided it, skirted around it but I didn’t want to. I wanted to know.

I didn’t think of the consequences, I didn’t want to. I just felt so comfortable in this persons company that I wanted to know more. And the converstaion stopped, abruptly.

IT SCARED THE HELL OUT OF ME.

I’m serious, it did. Ten minutes of dead silence. Felt like hours. I’m filling up thinking about it. God why could I be so stupid?…

And then the answer came. And it fucking blew me away.

Literally blew me away.

I will not reveal the contents of that conversation to anyone, ever. Don’t even try to ask. I will take that conversation to my grave. I was amazed however, truly amazed. Yet scared. scared to death that I’ve alienated that personby asking the question I have. But they responded in exactly the same way I would, so why would I think that. Well I know what I’d do. And that’s why I’ve wrote this post; to tell them how I feel – altough I couldn’t move for half an hour afterwards; I was shell shocked.

Names are not important, that person knows who they are. And I hope that after reading this post; they know how I feel. And that I’ve never felt like this before.

Here’s to hoping I’m right, and the future is brighter for both of us. Because we bloody well deserve it.

Much love,

 

Vikki xx

Morning gorgeous xx

Or afternoon, evening, night, whatever it may be where you are. I just hope you’re having fun and you’re enjoying life doing it. Because thats all that matters in the long run.

So, yet another post and yet another story from the effervescent life that is mine. When the hell is it all going to calm down and be peaceful & quiet? Knowing my luck and past history, probably never. I suspect I was put on this planet to write an entertaining story, and it’s looking like my life that is probably it. That sucks, but whatever.

Now I suppose you’re probably wondering where the attitude has come from this morning? Tell me that you’re not? I won’t believe you, I do have one hell of an attitude this morning. The question is, do I have a good reason?

Well the answer is yes, sort of. It was a bad day, yesterday and it wrought havoc with my head, and brought out some changes. Some necessary; some not so necessary.

Firstly, it was my son’s birthday, he turned five. I wasn’t there to see it though. As you know, I haven’t seen him since I transitioned; so it was hard, very hard. I was also told that he now calls someone else “daddy”; which, as any father will tell you is the most heart wrenching thing in the world to find out. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, why I’m doing it or what I’ll do in the future – Genetically, he is my son, I am his father, I was his dad the day he was born. That cannot be changed. When he first used the word daddy; he was referring to me. It was a heart wrenching moment for me. And to find out on his birthday, that I cannot be present for, stabbed me right through my heart.

But I must be strong. Because the true purpose of a dad; is to show your children that you can grow up to be whoever, and whatever you want to be. There should never be any limits on that. So when my son comes looking for me, that is what I must be able to show him, however hard that journey might be.

Secondly, I lost a friend. A good friend. A family of friends. It’s a situation I’m not happy about, but one I’m happy to accept. Which is very strange. They deserve some happiness, and it has come at the right time for them. But for me; it is bittersweet. As I was going through this pain, I needed help. And I chose them to help me, but they couldn’t. They couldn’t because what they needed to help them resolve a situation they were in came at the same moment I was in my deepest pain. I was hurt that they couldn’t help me; but I’m happy that they have received some good news, as they truly deserve the best in everything.

I’ve had to back away; as the pain of the last few days has been so great. Great enough for me to realise that I cannot destroy anyone else’s happiness because of it. Because how is that fair? It is not, and should never be. Sometimes life isn’t fair, and there are winners & losers in every situation. This time I was the loser and I must lose gracefully, for if I do not; it is not a loss, it is a travesty. I wish them all the best and I hope that one day we can enjoy success together again. But that day is not today.

Both of those events put me in a situation where I left myself open to abuse. And I nearly allowed it to happen. I was nearly abused by someone. I kept control however and allowed myself to be used; in order to learn something new. Which I did. The lesson was personal and I will not explain it here. But I am thankful for it, as without it I would be unable to move forward in my transition.

I know now who I am, I am sure of my personality, and I am grateful for the lessons I have learned. Hopefully, it is onward and upward from here on in. The future is not ours to see; but I hope it is a lot brighter than the recent past.

Time will tell.

Much love,

 

Vikki xx