Afternoon gorgeous XX

Hope you’re all enjoying the weather we’re having here (assuming you’re here, near me), if not or you’re somewhere else; I hope life and the weather is good for you.

So this is the second post detailing my shift in thinking; which is occuring as I move further and further through my transition. As I do so, I’m seeing things differently, experiencing things differently and overall taking on a completely different attitude.

Which; ultimately, that’s what this is all about for me – a massive life change from Male, to Female. But the last post, and how it came about, has me thinking along different lines; it’s pointing to differences in how I see myself. With the big question being; “What am I?”.

Well, it’s obvious that the current school of thought sees Trans people as being on a spectrum. We’re all at a different point in the transition from one gender, to another, aren’t we? Or are we? Well, you see, that’s where the issue has been for me. And that’s also where the issue appears to lie for most Non-LGBT+ people, too.

I spent most of my life trying to fit in with a concept that I, ultimately, don’t agree with. And that is the concept of two genders and two sexes, Male and Female; Man and Woman. That was ingrained into me as a child because of where and how I was brought up. I was aware of Gays and Lesbians; but still you have the Male and Female elements of both. However, I now ask the question; is that strictly true?

Well, no matter what people think and no matter what people say, a large majority of the population will ultimately agree with the above. That’s changing as society comes to terms with the fact that Gender and Sex are two different things, but ultimately; human beings are Male and Female.

I’m not discounting Intersex people here, I’m just going a lot deeper than that. As I see intersex as a variation, or combination of the sex Chromosomes; X and Y – I am also aware that the sry gene from the Y chromosome can hop over to the X. Again, that is a variation on what could be considered the norm. So, to better explain myself; and give you an understanding of how I see it, think of people with Polychromatic Eyes…

Moving on; at birth, our parents first see us & our sex organs and; quite rightly, assume that we are to become the gender our sex organs define us as. If you’re a parent, think of that first response as your child is born; “It’s a boy!”, or “It’s a girl!” – “It’s Transgender and will have Vaginoplasty!” doesn’t quite sound the same, does it?…

And I have a son, and was present at his birth…

Ok. So I have your attention, in a very big way. What point am I trying to make?

I’ll tell you…

Trans people see themselves as being on a spectrum, there’s different points on the spectrum (cross dressing, HRT, Gender Surgery, etc.) and coming in from the outside; it’s very much like Autism. Which is also based on a spectrum – I know, I’m on it and have the diagnosis to prove it. So, it’s difficult for an outsider coming in to view Trans people correctly; because of the great variation within the spectrum. But society has come to accept (to a point) the greater LGBT+ community.

So, my thinking is; why don’t we just look at the greater LGBT+ community as being on the same spectrum; from Male to Female. Then include everybody on that spectrum; Lesbian, Gays, Crossdressers, Transsexuals, etc., and call us all Trans? No more separation, no more LGBT, just Transgender. Which, in a way, is what we are?

You then have a complete sexual and gender spectrum from which a person can move along and stop at what point they see fit, at any point in their life. It also makes it much easier for an outsider to understand what is happening within the spectrum community, they don’t need to understand labels anymore; just that someone is Transgender. Much like someone who is Autistic is Neurodiverse? I’ll tell this, that kind of thinking sure as hell makes it a lot easier for me to understand.

Moving forward th that; we, as humans, can then be born Male, Female or Intersex and then become a part of that spectrum and choose our gender as we progress and grow through life.

Much like what is happening with me.

Much Love,

Vikki xx

Morning gorgeous XX

How are you all today? Did to get out of bed the right side? Good. If not, I feel you; but go back to bed right now and get out of the other side please! Lol. Seriously, it’s not pleasant when you wake up to a bad morning, I’ve had many of them in the past and I don’t envy you at all.

The reality for me this morning; though, is that today is a good day. I had my injection yesterday and my stomach hurts. But the doctor, a younger Asian lady who’s name I forget, was a brilliant doctor and we hit it off really well. She even shown me how to do the injection myself. We got on that well that I nearly invited her over for a glass of wine and a natter about being Trans. (If you’re reading this doc, the offers still open; give me a shout! – oops!).

But what she said got me thinking about what it’s like to be Trans, and what does Trans actually mean. It got me thinking about how the Trans world currently sees itself and how I, as an individual, see myself within it.

I read a lot about the different types of thinking within the Trans community – The old skool 1990s train of thought, the new age of inclusivity, the gender wars of the early 2000’s, etc., and it’s a lot to take in all at once. Reading it all makes me wonder just how the rest of society is coping with all this. I mean; I wrote this blog so I could understand it because it’s difficult and I’ve got an IQ of 142 (or thereabout)!

Then I read something this morning, it was a post about ‘detransitioning’ – a term used in the Trans community to mean someone who is going back to their original gender (or going off HRT, which I am on). And there’s a lot of discussion in that area, with some very intellectual thinking; judging by the post I read.

Anyhow, I’ve copied the link here because it’s relevant. It’s relevant to my train of thought, it’s relevant to where my head is at and it’s something I feel I need to understand.

We’ll to give you an idea; my current train of thought is this…

“Now that I have experienced contentment in my thoughts, do I stop here? Or do I carry on and complete the transition?”

Which has got me thinking as to exactly what my transition means to me. How far do I want to go? What do I want to achieve? Who do I want to be?

Time to work that out I think. But in the meantime, take a look at the link below and see what you think. What does it suggest to you?

https://www.quora.com/I-m-transgender-and-what-if-I-take-HRT-and-don-t-like-who-I-am-after-is-there-a-way-of-reverting/answer/Virginia-Hall-12?share=faa9b504&srid=mlqa

Answers on a postcard…

Ps. Just to ally the critical mind. This post doesn’t mean that I, personally, am thinking of detransitioning – Far from it. But it does indicate a change in thought processes. Which is something I’m going to tackle in my next post.

Much love,

Vikki xx

Hiya gorgeous xx

How are you all tonight? Hope you’ve had a lovely day; and you’ve enjoyed the warm weather we’ve had this week? If not, or you’re in a different part of the world, then I hope all is well with you too…

Anyway, why the post tonight? Well, why not? I’m in a happy place tonight and I want to write to about it. It’s a different kind of happy place to those that I’m used to as it doesn’t involve me being excited about anything. It doesn’t involve any sort of major ‘happy’ news and it doesn’t involve anything that I may be working on; or about to work on…

It just involves contentment.

I’m content with what I have done, I’m happy with who I have become and I’m proud of the achievement that it’s took to get here.

Now in a former life; as Bert, I’d be worried (in the back of my mind), that something is going to go wrong and destroy it all. Because thats who Bert was, that’s what Bert had become toward the end, that was Bert’s life – always looking over his shoulder and worrying about what would happen next.

But as Vikki; I’m not worried – I don’t have to worry any more. I’ve got things I need to worry about, don’t get me wrong but I’m not panicking about them; not yet anyway. I know I can sort them out given the patience, thought and time I need. And I can get those three things by asking for them and using them wisely. I can do anything I want to if I put my mind to it. And I’m proud of myself for being me and knowing I can be who I want to be.

I’m in a much better place than I’ve ever been.

Things aren’t perfect yet, don’t get me wrong. I’ll lose my car; if don’t sell it and get a cheaper one soon. I’ve got debts to sort out and finances need to be taken care of – money is a big issue. I need a job – boredom could be a killer if it takes over. I’ve got the rape case I need to concentrate on (and that’s going to be huge if it gets out). However; I have my happy place, I have my home.

When you walk into my flat; you’re not walking into Bert’s flat, youre not walking into a bachelor pad or a computer workshop – You’re stepping into Vikki’s home. You’re stepping into a place of comfort and rest. A feminine environment that keeps the eyes alive with cues as to who I am and what I like. There’s coffee in the pot and different types of Tea to drink. There’s biscuits in the tin on the side in the kitchen. There’s pictures on the walls and butterflies around the rooms, and air fresheners everywhere to eliminate odours should they arise.

But…

If you didn’t know any better, you’d think a couple lived here; and not just one person. There’s a computer desk but with my PC and Laptop on it, my XBox and TV equipment are visible and masculine pictures of double decker buses in the bedroom… However, it’s a feminine room; not a masculine one – it’s the woman who wears the trousers and looks after the house in this place, not the man.

So all in all; I think I’ve managed to integrate the two parts of my personality – the masculine and the feminine – into one. With the feminine being the dominant side and my confidence boosting massively as I live my life as a woman. I’ve achieved my goal, done what I needed to do. I’ve put myself back together and made it all work as one. One person, one human being, one Me.

Now I just need to go out there and show the world who I truly am and let’s see if the world can handle me, lol.

I’m sure it can…

Much Love,

Vikki xx

Evening gorgeous xx

How you all doing? Good I hope? I can kinda say the same for myself; but it’s bittersweet. Very much tinged with deep sadness. A sadness that makes this post very hard to write.

Let me get a drink (I’ll need one), and I’ll tell you all about it…

Right, got it – Double Chocolate, Hazelnut and Caramel Mocha. Nom frigging nom…. 😉

Ok, so where do I start? Don’t say at the beginning, please?… I’m not rewriting the last year of my life, I may be green but I sure ain’t a cabbage. Anyway, what was the last post that made any sense? (Anybody dare say you haven’t written one yet, and I’m grabbing a bat)! – let’s have a look.

I’ll go back to ‘Powerful Emotions’; written on the 8th July – 2018 for those who are wondering what year it is – That’s the post where it all ended, that’s the point where I finally broke down. I’d had enough, and I honestly couldn’t take anymore. I couldn’t carry on the way I was going and my mind was, literally; at breaking point.

In fact, that was the start of the transformation…

You see, you reach a point in your transition where your mind will not let you go any further, your brain function is changing. Your hormones are different now and your brain has to become accustomed to that. You can’t carry on thinking the way you did before; because the parts of your brain that perform the processing for your thoughts are now working differently – running on different fuel, so to speak.

To give you an analogy, it’s kinda like having a diesel car; and only ever putting petrol in it. It’ll run fine but it’ll never run right – it can’t burn the fuel properly. And that’s how I’ve felt all my life, like a diesel car running on petrol; always trying to get it right but never able to do so. Now though, it’s like someone finally started putting diesel in. And after a trip to the garage and fuel system cleanout, I’m running on the right fuel – and running fine.

Thats the mental transition, for me, from Male to Female.

Just to let you know, it’s different for everyone – No two transitions are ever the same. We’ve all got different things going on in our lives, all have different personalities, different views on the world around us, different perspectives on life as a whole. But one thing remains the same; and that is we are changing gender (And if you’re not, you’re stopping halfway through, I still have my concerns with you) – We are transitioning.

Those concerns are mine though, and that’s my take on it – Not everyone else’s. It’s only fair to say that everyone’s view is different.

And that’s OK too.

Recent events have taught me to respect what others think, even if I forget it sometimes and act on impulse. When I do forget though, I’m only doing what feels right at the time, and doing what; as a woman, I am meant to do – Protect myself and my children. For want of a better phrase, I’m acting on my woman’s intuition.

But I know that now and I can see clearly that that is what I am doing. I never could before.

Anyway, the events in question that have led me here today, and given the new perspective on life that I have; involve my family. And it has been pressure from those events, and my family, that has led me to make some silly mistakes; doing things I wouldn’t normally do. The rape posts and my actions surrounding them, for example – Should’ve talked to family first.

Also, its given me the courage to take a stand at certain points, to speak out about how I really feel and tell people who I am and what I’ve done – Reporting the rape, as another example. Standing up to my family when it all came out. And being honest with my sister’s when they couldn’t understand why I came out as Trans…

It all resulted in one single moment though. And without the events that took place first, I wouldn’t have been able to do it. I wouldn’t have had the inner strength to give my mother the permission she needed to pass in peace. I ouldnt have been able to do it.

You see in my view (and only my view – before you shout), that’s what needed to be done. In that final moment, she needed to know the family would be safe. She was not going to go until she knew that. And for what ever reason, it appeared to come down to me to do it.

And because of that, I feel like I’ve made peace with my family now. And I can explain to them why I’m so different. And I can hopefully get them to understand who and what I am. And treat me as the sister, niece, whatever; that I always wanted to be…

But to end on a sad; yet fitting note.

Yes, my mother passed away; peacefully, with family around her, at 8:27am on 9th August 2018. A crematorial service to be held in her hometown of Widnes, in Cheshire, England. Where her ashes are to be mixed with those of my step father and they will both be laid to rest in a crematorial plot with family around them.

I’m not a religious person by any means; but may God bless them both, and may God finally allow them both to have their right arms back.

Love you both to the moon & back Mum & Dad, and I’ll miss you both always…

From the very bottom of my heart, I give you all my love,

Vikki xx

Evening gorgeous xx

How are you all today? Good I hope. Had a busy day? Hope you’re finally relaxing and enjoying your evening…

Well this is the first of two posts I’m going to write tonight; before I sign off. I’ve been meaning to write them for days, but there’s been one hell of a lot going on. Seriously, too much to explain in one post – I shit you not 😉

One specific thing that has been happening; definitely requires its own post, and that’s what this one is for – A post regarding a historic crime I detailed not so long back. The crime detailed in the post “The Hardest Thing I’ve Ever Had To Write…”

The crime of Rape.

But this post is not about the crime itself; for that, read the first post. But you see, in order for a crime to be reported; the victim has to give evidence – make a statement. And the police, once they have that evidential statement; have to act on that in accordance with the relevant law. That’s how it all works. You want justice, you have to be honest and upfront about what happened. And stick to the events that occurred.

So, when I detailed what happened to me on the blog; I immediately contacted the police. I had to, I was reporting a crime. That’s what had happened and it had to be dealt with.

I wasn’t expecting an outcome (and I still don’t), but I had to do the right thing, finally, and report it. So that’s what I did.

They took me extremely seriously, which I was surprised at – I have reported crimes to the police before; but haven’t had the treatment I deserved, or the outcome I expected.

I went ahead and reported the basics, was told it was out of area and would be referred; and to wait for a call back. It came. Promptly. The officer was really nice and took my story, even pausing while I recovered from the panic I got myself into. The crime was recorded; relevant law states it was Rape. I need to give video evidence. This must be investigated and referred to the Crown Prosecution Service. They’re taking it seriously. I felt better.

Since then other things have happened and my life is changing – massively, for the better. But I was still scared of giving video evidence. It mortified me.

It was arranged with an officer here; for her to come and see me. She was lovely and made me feel completely at ease. She arranged to take my statement at a time that suited us both (with a lot going on, it’s been hard), she’s kept in touch. And an opportunity looked like it was going to arise at the weekend. Which it most certainly did, and I took it – I knew I had to do it. So, at the weekend, I went in; accompanied by some close friends.

I cannot believe I had the courage within me to do it.

But I did.

And I will say this to anyone who’s been in my situation; and hasn’t had the courage of their convictions – there’s more of you than you think, isn’t there? Just because the outcome may not be what you want, get into a police station and report it. Don’t think that it will automatically result in a conviction, it doesn’t work like that. Don’t go in there thinking about them; that you can get them, that you can get justice because of what they did, it doesn’t always happen like that.

Go in there and report what happened to you, for you; for your piece of mind, for your self-esteem. Because if you don’t go in there and report what happened, and detail what you went through, and relive it (as hard as it is to do). You’ll never get over it, you’ll never come to terms with it and you’ll always run from it. Just like I did.

For 36 years…..

Much Love,

Vikki xx