Morning Gorgeous xx

You all good today? Hope so. I know it’s Monday and all of that, everyone swimming their way back to work after torrential downpours here in the UK, lol. But it’s all good.

I’m in a bit of a funny place this morning. My head is clear (makes a change), I’m calm and I know what I’ve got to do today – This doesn’t happen often in my life. Need more of this 🙂

I feel like my head has had a busy night though, it’s flipping pounding in there. I’m like, WTF??? What just happened? If that was a dream, then ‘My God!’; what a dream! I look back down the hallway towards the bedroom thinking; “What happened in there?’. I mean I know I had a restless night, but WHAT!

The good thing about days like these, is these are the days when plans are formed. Days when I have to get up and do something, talk to someone, anything. Need the head busy. So that’s what I’m going to do today, got to get busy. But I need some help, not sure my head is organised enough to do this on my own.

Anyway; I woke up this morning, I went to the Bathroom, then the Kitchen, then here. That says a lot about what I’m going to do. You see the thing is, I’m not going to able to move on with my life until all this crap is out of my head. Which is what the blog is about, moving forward, transitioning, starting a new life, out with the old and in with the new. Well the next stage of my transition is definitely ‘out with the old’ – the floodgates are well and truly ‘Open’.

Facebook make a change tomorrow; they stop third party apps posting to personal profiles – only public pages. This is a world-wide change becuase of the recent data misuse scandals they’ve been embroiled in. I’ve already setup my public page and blogged about it, it’s ready to go. I’m going to invite people to like the page and it’s optional if you do or don’t – I won’t hold it against you if you dont, that’s not me; if you know me.

Still, my head sees August 1st as a kind of D-Day. It’s at that point that everything is setup where I need it to be and I’ve got complete freedom to just write what I want. Everything that’s in my head, I can get it down on paper. Finally. And whether you believe what I write, take it with a pinch of salt, or plain laugh at it; that’s not the point. The point is, I’ve been looking for a creative outlet for a long time now, a way to release this energy that’s built up inside of me.

I don’t have any of the music I used to write anymore (well, two tracks remain and I might add them later) – and I pains me that can’t do that anymore with my fingers the way they are. I’ve been frustrated for so, so long and it’s torn me apart. But I’m transitioning, and when you transition, everything changes; including you – especially you. You change into who you WANT to be, not who everyone expects you to be. I get a feeling I might be finding myself again, lets just hope I’m right…

Much Love,

 

Vikki xx

 

Morning gorgeous xx

Having fun on this fine morning of ours? Hope So; life is for living, bloody well enjoy it!…

This is a quick post this Morning, it could easily be a lengthy one because there’s a very important story behind it. One which, when I tell people, I do wonder if they believe me or not. I wouldnt blame you if you didn’t – never, ever, ever would. It’s one of those stories that; when you hear it, you do think it’s complete fantasy and you do wonder if the person telling it is slightly deluded.

I really wouldn’t blame you for that.

But the thing, as far as that story is concerned, I leave the belief in your hands. Behind the scenes, in the back of my mind, I don’t give a damn whether you believe it or not. I know my side of it, and that’s all that matters to me. Nothing else, it’s a party story, more for your amusement. But it does give you an idea of what I’m capable of when I’m put in the right situation.

Now the reason I mention it here, is I believe another one of those situations has just occurred. And I also believe that I’ve just made the same mistake as well. And that hurts. It hurts because I didn’t learn the lessons from the last one. And you have no idea how much that sucks.

Should I go into detail about this one? Probably best that I don’t. I do know the parties involved have the ability to read this; hence why I’m writing this. Last time, that facility wasn’t available, so there’s no evidence. This time the world has changed and there is some; but not enough.

Also, this time, I’ve changed. And I cut that person out of my life as soon as I knew what was going on.

In addition, I’m not angry. I’m hurt, but I’m not angry. I wish the person every success with the idea they have. Because I truly believe it could change the world if it’s handled right and I’m obviously not the person to do it – just like the last time.

But neither of the two people whose ideas I helped create; will ever be able to remove the fact that I was involved from their own minds….

One has done very well already, the other, I wish you every success with it. My life is obviously going in a different direction. Best of luck to you.

Much love,

Vikki xx

Morning gorgeous xx

How you all doing today? Well I hope? Definitely better than me, that’s for sure.

I’m sorry to say that this could be last post in a very long while. Money is now incredibly tight and the services I need to keep my life on track are going to have to be cut, one by one – I have no choice. I’ve been unable to find a job and there isn’t a clear reason why. Seems like I’m unemployable because I’m Trans and I know I shouldn’t think like that but it’s hard to see it any other way.

In any event, no job and no money means I lose my car and if I lose my car, I can’t work – not around here. It’s too far out in the country. I’ll keep my flat, just, for a while anyway but I’ll lose services such as the internet. And you need that in this day and age.

I won’t be able to pay my debts, so I’m facing bankruptcy again. A second bankruptcy will destroy any plans for my future; as they’ll have to place a restrictions order on me, and I’ll be in my fifties before they lift it.

My bills are high, this flat is expensive to run as it’s all electric. So metered pay as you go is a nasty option when you’re not working. And housing benefit won’t cover my monthly rent. I’ll have to move, but where? A single Trans Woman in her 40s isn’t a priority on the housing list.

I should be able to work; but I can’t. I’ve two broken fingers that are not healing properly, so I’ve as good as lost the use of my right hand. Yet without work, I’m screwed.

I don’t want to go back home as there are reasons why I left, but my mum needs help. She’s just been diagnosed with cancer in her hip and is having radiotherapy treatment as we speak. She needs help and I’m in a position to give it to her, but at the expense of my own life; that I’ve worked so hard to build. If I’m honest though, she’s only got a few years left although I don’t know. It’s all about how the treatment goes.

So what do I do folks? How do I break out of this and get my life back on track? Any ideas gratefully received.

Much love to you all.

Vikki xx

Morning Gorgeous xx

How are you this morning? Are you well? I hope so xx

So. I haven’t posted in a while but there’s been a lot going on; and I apologise if I haven’t had the time. Those of you that know me well will know all of whats going on and for their sake I’m not going to repeat it all here. To be honest, it will take several posts to describe it all. For those that love a good story, I’ll go into detail in my next few posts. You’re not getting the juicy details though… For now just to whet your appetite, all I will say is that there have been quite a few changes, in almost all areas of my life.

Are you OK?

The obvious question, the first one I would have asked. And the honest answer is no, I’m not – But I will be. I don’t know how I know, I just know that I know.

Let me tell you that I feel like I’ve lost sight of my goal, because my perspecive of looking at it has changed. I haven’t given up on it though, i’m just thinking that maybe I was in the wrong place in the picture. Questions like “Was it really a camera flash?”, or “Was it me in the picture? As I remember the camera in the image immediately prior to the flash, it was there in the dream”. They are the questions my subconscious is working on answering. And for that reason, I feel a bit like my hopes and dreams have been clouded, it’s getting foggy in there. But I also feel differently about them, it’s almost like; let it go, it doesn’t matter, it will happen when it happens. I won’t give up on them though; I have my mum’s stubbornness to thank for that.

I feel like I need to concentrate on the details a bit more. Let me tidy them up a bit; then I can start writing about what has been going on. I also need to get past 28th June. If I can do that, I’m ready for anything.

How do you feel about it all?

Well I don’t know yet, but I’m happier. A shedload happier than I was. The reason for this is that there comes a point, about six months in, where you stop feeling like a man (you’re not one) and you really do start feeling like how you were meant to feel, like a Woman. And that’s how I’ve always seen myself.

The reasons for that don’t really matter anymore. I’ve discussed them with myself at great length, and referenced them earlier on here. That part of the engine is ticking along nicely and I’m not going to tweak it anymore. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”

The problem with the dream I had though; was that it appeared after the reasons I assumed it happened, took place. Why did my head assume these dreams were a fault and try to fix them, lol? I don’t know? Am I an idiot? Who knows… 🙂

Can you sort it out?

I don’t know. I’m going to need help. The problem with that; is one that my mother has to be called upon to answer for – Bloody stubborn old woman! (If you’re reading this mum, I hope you’re laughing right now; as I am). I love you mum xx

And yet I think I can, I just don’t want to go back home to do it. I like my life now, and I don’t want to change it that drastically anymore. I want to reach a point where my son can see that I’m happy and settled in myself, and ready to answer any questions he has.

So why post this? Why not just get on with it?

Well, I am. I’m taking my time about it; I want to get the details right – I want to blend in. I’m not the type to stand out and make a show of myself (although there are those who have seen me drunk that may contest that, lol), as I don’t want it to be immediately obvious that I am Trans. I am a Trans Woman. The keyword being Woman. And not, as the typical Media would have you believe, Trans…

What are you going to do about it then?

So, I’m at the point in my transition where it’s time to put it all together and make it work. I’m at the point of no return. There’s no going back. From here on in all the changes I’m going to make are permanent. And the first of those is coming up in June.

Well I’m ready, I’ve done all the groundwork that I need to do. It’s not been the cleanest of operations, there’s a bit of a mess to clean up. Gonna need some time on that one; and I don’t know if I have enough, But I’ll try… All I can do.

Like any change process, there’s usually a CAB (Change Advisory Board), to monitor and control the process; ensuring it all goes smoothly. And this blog is my CAB, my advisory board. So I present to you this change, I’m going to change my life – for the better. As it’s about time I bloody well did.

Then what?

The best part of all of this? I’ve got my family and friends around me to help me do it. And I’m in a position to give back, if need be. And I’ll do it when I’m called upon to do it, without hesitation – because that’s what you do for your family and your friends – You look after them because you know they will look after you if the situation were reversed.

And that’s how I want my family and friends, and the world at large, to see me. I want to be seen as a Strong, Confident, Feminine, Trans Woman; who looks after her family and friends as they are important to her. She see’s life like a Jar of Balls & Sand, and she knows that the biggest balls in the jar are her family, her friends and her job.

That’s my plan, let’s see if I can make it happen…

Much Love,

Vikki xx

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Addendum

Yes, just a quick note for all the guys out there. Women are fragile, don’t fucking forget it. Most know this, and I like that, but some don’t. For those that don’t, I say this:

Getting dressed with two broken fingers; as a woman, is very hard work.

Those that know; will know what, and who, I am talking about.

Much Love,

Vikki xx