Morning gorgeous xx

Do you know what it’s like to run from yourself? I wonder if most people do? It’s a scary experience, I can tell you…

This post is borne out of a dream I just had. A dream that’s allowed me to explain it to myself. Because I know what it’s like to run from yourself. To be so scared of confronting fear – fear that’s deep inside you and comes back to haunt you at every turn.

Or to find yourself exposed and alone. Looking for somewhere to hide, knowing the fear will find you soon if you don’t. Out there and alone. Searching for any nook and cranny that’s big enough to crawl into just so you can breathe…

But you can’t sleep, you cant rest. You have to keep moving. Constantly on the run. The voices telling you to stop, to rest, to sleep. At least that way you’ll feel better and be able to think. But you can’t. Because you can see the fear, you know it’s there and it’s going to find you. And what will happen when it does…

That’s what my dream reminded me of.

My dream was about me running from a predator in an apache gunship helicopter and they were picking people off like a crazy gunman in America (bad analogy but you know what I mean, hopefully). They kept landing and searching on foot with an AK47. Then they’d get back in the helicopter and shooting from afar. I was part of a team of people they were searching for, but they’d kill indiscriminately if anyone got in the way. I had to find places to hide, even if only for a few moments. Just to give me time to breathe, but not long enough to rest. And then continue running, exhausted but unable to give up. Got to escape. Got to try…

That dream reminded me of a time in my life when things were that bad. Constantly on the run, nowhere safe to hide (or so I thought), constantly having to have your wits about about you because the fear that’s gripping you is intolerable. Scared you’re going to lose it, but wondering if you’ve already lost it because of the reactions of people around you.

It’s a scary place being that exposed and alone. It changes you. You’re never the same again.

What’s worse, is I wonder if had that dream because I’m scared of going back there again – scared of that all encompassing fear gripping you like being underwater wrapped in a blanket. It’s a real possibility at the moment and I definitely feel like I’m being chased, or being forced to fight something that maybe doesn’t exist. I don’t know. But I want it to stop. It has to go away – I can’t go through that again.

And yet, I’ve just thought of something – and this is a change, because this wouldn’t have occurred to me last time – I was in a large amount of debt last time, and I am this time. That woman left me in a massive amount of debt in January 2017. Just like I was in January 2001 – and I know some people reading this will remember me back then…

Time to get up folks. I got a plane to shoot down…

Much love,

Vikki xx

Morning gorgeous xx

I wrote this several weeks ago. It needs to be shared…

=

How you all doing today? Good I hope. If not, I’ll have to put on my best ‘Scouse bird’ attitude and come and sort you out 🙂

But seriously, there’s a reason I need to know today. And that’s because I am Happy – Happy that I’ve accepted the changes that are, or will, take place. Happy that I’m going to become the person I’ve always wanted to be. Happy that I can finally loom to the future instead of the past, But. Sad.

Sad for what I’ve lost. Sad for what I’ve missed out on. Sad for the experiences I never was able to have – stop. Right there. That’s not true. I shouldn’t be sad for that. The life experience I had as Bert should be celebrated, not mourned for its loss. As a woman, to be able to experience things as a man; gives you a completely different perception on the world. Like going into space, you see the world for what it is; rather than what you perceive it to be.

=

Kinda fits. Love to you all…

Vikki xx

There comes a time when you have to stop fighting and start thinking. For me, now is that time…

Vikki xx

I have never cried so much as I have in these last two weeks. This is obviously a life changing experience…. xx

For the first time in my life i dont have a backup plan if things go wrong. And that’s what is happening. Apparently it’s all my fault… xx

Morning gorgeous xx

This is straight from the heart. This is how I’m feeling right now – and boss, I know your reading this, please take this as it’s intended. I’m trying…

But this has to come out.

I’m in pain. And it’s probably my fault. I’ve shed a lot of tears tonight.

Work has not gone according to plan. I’ve been issued a final written warning. My performance hasn’t been up to standard. I’ve not handled the issues I’ve faced very well.

You see in a fighter. I’ve always had to fight and I don’t know when to stop. I don’t know when to accept that I’m in the wrong. To admit defeat. Just let go…

You see that’s what comes from having to be so strong that you have no choice but to win. Or die. And that’s what happened to me as a child. At age nine, I was put in a position where it was win or die. And I won. I had to or I wouldn’t be here to tell the tale. But it messes with your life because you can’t see past that. Everything becomes a battle that you have to win.

But life is not like that, is it? There’s more to it than that. Other people have opinions as well. And they’re not the same as yours. You try to understand and you reach a point where you think you have. But have you really? You just never know.

I’m writing this tonight because I am in transition. I’m changing. I have no choice. I can’t stay the same anymore. The person I once was is literally dead. I can’t win this fight, because in doing so; I will lose everything. It will not be a victory. It will be defeat. I will have defeated myself. I will have lost and I can’t afford to do that. Losing everything is not an option.

I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future anymore, I just know that if i have that feeling of deja-vu again that I can’t win the battle. And it’s pointless trying. There are some battles in life that you can’t win, ad they’re the ones that are designed to teach you lessons. And I have reached one of those.

No idea what tomorrow will bring. But whatever it is, I have to accept my fate.

THAT, when it comes to Autism, is the hardest thing in the world to accept.

God help me. And please give me the strength to get through this. Because I don’t know if I have it within myself…

Love to you all..

Vikki xx