Marmite…

Morning Gorgeous xx

How are you all today? Good I hope? I’ll give usual empathy to those who are not and if there’s anything I can do to help, you know where to find me.

Today, I feel like a jar of Marmite – You either love me, or you hate me – Why so? You ask? Polarizing personality maybe? Correct. You see, the further I go along this path, the more I realise that’s what it’s like for us Trans folk. You have your Allies, those that support you and love you in anyway they can because they recognise how hard the journey can be. And you have your haters, those that spew out vile garbage about you wherever they can. Standard philosphy of life? I suppose so but the problem is it can be really hard to tell the difference inbetween the two.

You see; sometimes people will love you in order to find out more about you, and then use that for their own ends. Other times people will hate you because they don’t understand you and will need educating, and there are other extremes of this as well; it’s just how it is. This is all before you add in your own personality and the fact that people can change their minds about you for a variety of reasons; be it you, them or something completely different. Again, that’s life.

Why do I feel like a jar of Marmite today? I’ll tell you (and I’ll try not to piss anyone off in the process)…

Earlier in the week I was talking to a friend of mine, can’t remember what about, but at the end of the conversation I invited them over for dinner. (I’ve had the slow cooker out recently and me & it are best bedfellows in the winter – I love it). I said I’d cook them a spaghetti bolognaise, 24 hour really slow cooked. I check it every hour and check the flavour as well – to make sure it’s just right. Nom Nom.

They agreed to come – All OK. But they then had to cancel because they weren’t well. So we spoke on the phone & we had a good long chat and all was fine. I love those guys, I really do. No issues with that at all. I said I’ll phone around a few friends, I’m sure I’ll get someone to come and help me eat it. When they’re feeling better, we’ll do it again.

Now guys, I know you’re reading this. DON’T get upset or feel guilty about what happened next, I’m writing it because it’s got to go down or it will eat me up – That’s what this blog is for, you know this. As I got on with my day, I got in touch with a few more friends – I’ve got a batch of bolognaise here I need to do something with and I can’t eat it all myself. (Oh yeah, forgot to say, freezers already full from the last batch!). Free food! Cooked by your’s truly! I’m not that bad a cook am I??? Apparently I am. Or at least that’s what it felt like by the time we hit 7pm in the evening.

You see, no one wanted free food! Everybody had an excuse. I’m like. Fuck.

Now OK, I’ve slept on it (which was difficult) and I’ve had time to think. Yes, it was short notice. Agreed. Looking at it logically, should I be upset about that; no, I don’t have the right to. That’s not fair on anyone, even me. Get a grip bitch. But I was. I was really fucking hurt by it. I felt deflated, abandoned, alone. I ended up crying over it (and other things to try and get this out of my system, but I’m not going to go there). Literally I’m sat there on the settee and it’s all streaming out of my face. How can everyone let me down – at the same time??

Well they can – We all have lives to lead, I can’t expect everyone to suddenly jump on my command; who the fuck am I to do that? Am I god? Zues ruler of the gods? Queen Victoria? (Oh yeah, erm…) but no. I’m none of those. I’m just me. Little old me just trying to get on with life and have some good, bad & ugly times.

I am woman, hear me roar…

Love you all,

Vikki xx