Craving affection

Morning gorgeous, how are you all today? Good, I hope. If not, I do pray things get better for you soon – Sending my love.

So, as you can see, the title of this post is pretty self explanatory. It pretty much nails what my problem has been recently. And I’m glad I’ve worked it out, as I truly believe it’s been a thorn in my side for many, many years. So much so that It’s been mpossible to deal with until now, as its been buried very, very deeply.

Well, let’s go back and take a look at a few things, and see if I can’t put this into perspective. As maybe then, I’ll be able to find a way of dealing with it going forward.

I was loved as a child by my family, there is no doubt about that from everything that they say. I was loved by my mum, similar reason for knowing this. But my mum wasn’t very affectionate. She wasn’t a mumsy mum – She had her own problems to deal with, and, at times, they came first. As can happen, so don’t be angered by the situation.

As you know, I was ill. I had problems, things weren’t right (I wouldn’t be here if they were, lol). So I was sort of Molly Cottled, protected more than the others as the risks of harm were apparently higher. But that didn’t stop things happening, in fact it probably made things worse – see previous posts, it’s all in there. And they did happen; quite frequently in fact.

The problem came when you needed to be reassured that things were going to be OK. That you would get through this and come out of the other side intact. That if you put the effort in, your dreams can come true – As I’ve just found out.

Because you didn’t gain those reassurances in early childhood, and you were left to work it out for yourself, or you were even told something completely different in order to mask the problem and make it go away. You don’t trust those reassurances in later life. You can’t handle someone giving you praise. And you don’t know how to react when something good happens in your life.

Well that’s the situation I now find myself in. And I can’t handle it.

The fallback is to go looking for affection wherever you can find it. Looking for that spark that makes you think things will be OK – even if they’re not going to be. Looking for something you can’t find or doesn’t exist.

(Anybody who knows me will, right now, probably be sat there with an open mouth in disbelief that I am able to see this and admit it to myself.)

But that’s what it is – That’s my problem. Probably always has been. And it hasn’t been helped by my Autism creating barriers that don’t exist.

Well I need to work out a solution, I need this deal with this permanently. And there might be an opportunity to do so coming up soon – it’s early days. But either way, like I always do, once I know what a problem is, I’ll always try and fix it if I can.

Much love to you all,

Vikki xx

By Vikki Kinsella

My name is Vikki, and I’m a Transgender Female living and working in the UK.

I’ve started this blog purely as a way of writing down my thoughts and feelings, as I now start my journey through transition from living life as Male to becoming Female, and beyond. You see, I spent 45 years of my life living as, what is now known as, a cisgender Male - With almost no idea that I could even consider being Female, let alone consider corrective surgery. But I must admit I did have a tendency to THINK like a woman sometimes... But doesn't every Man think like a woman on occasion? Don't try and hide it boys, you know you do, lol...

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