Midnight Thoughts…

Morning Gorgeous xx

I say morning gorgeous as that’s my standard greeting to you all, and a bit of a trademark (figuratively speaking) regarding the way I greet people in general. It’s been said in the past that I’m so laid back I’m practically lying down, lol. And I suppose that’s true for, the most part, and I dare say there are those that will second that.

It’s also at this point that I normally ask of you as to how you are doing; wishing you all well, in my own inimitable style. And I do, I sincerely wish you all the best and hope that all is well. Its not out of courtesy, I say these things from a point of genuine interest. I know there are regular visitors to this site, and I know there are infrequent visitors both new and old. But anyway, I digress…

This post is a little different. For a start, it’s written at 12:49am; when I usually do most of my writing around 3-4 in the morning, and very rarely during the day. In addition, there isn’t actually a defined point to the post. To be completely frank, as I write, I have no idea what I’m writing; or, in fact, why. I’m not even sure what the exact “lightbulb moment” was that made me pick up my mobile and log on.

What I do know, and this has happened with every single post I’ve ever written, I’ve had to write ‘something’ in order to relax my mind and drift off to sleep. There’s always been a point to my posts, even if it hasn’t presented itself thoroughly or I’ve tended to digress wildly; only returning to a main theme occasionally.

I’m sure I’ve also written posts that could make the reader think; “what planet is this woman on?”. Let’s be honest, I know that’s what I’ve thought when proofing a post before publishing. Oh yeah! Proofing… That little gem of an editing string that I’ve so fearlessly avoided at all costs, on several occasions… Dare I ask what I was thinking? I was too busy thinking about the content of the post, lol. Yeah, get it down, get it out, deal with it, done. It kinda works for me.

Alot has happened in a short space of time, recently. If you’d have asked me this time last year if I was thinking of moving home, I’m pretty sure I’d have laughed you out of the room. And yet, here I am. If you’d have said to me at ANY point in time over the last two years (God has it been that long!); that I’d be back in touch with my family and my favourite step-sister, I would have called you a liar, used several expletives and ignored you for the remainder of the conversation. And yet. That’s what’s happened and here we are. Hatchets have been buried, wrongs have been put right, new perspectives on old issues have removed rose-coloured glasses and allowed clear vision. And I can walk through the streets of my home town with my head held high – barring a minor issue from around 12 years ago that just won’t rectify itself – but I should’ve done things differently on that one, and I have to pay the price. I make mistakes, I’m human after all.

In all honesty, every bed of roses has a few thorns attached to the stalks. It would almost impossible not to – Things are changing though. I’ve signed up for a number of courses to expand my knowledge in areas that I lack. Particularly in the area of management…

Seriously, I’m fed up of looking through a glass ceiling at people with, typically, 10 years less experience in industry but who, because they can sit a degree, are in a position to tell me what to do. I’ve worked my fingers to the bone and have been metaphorically kicked, punched & abused in an industry that I’ve had such an amazing amount of passion for; that I’m surprised I still want to get out of bed and go to work in a morning.

I love IT. I love computers. I’m an ideas girl. There’s a story in my history that I’m going to write about soon that blows people away every time time I tell it. But because of the position I was in at the time and because I didn’t have the skills, and knowledge of myself that I do now, I was robbed of the glory and the proof that it was me. Oh well, I’ll write it up soon in a way that other parties are unidentifiable and I’ll allow you to draw your own conclusions. At least that way no one gets hurt.

But that’s my point. When is it ever going to be my turn? When do I get to tell anyone what to do? You can’t sit on the ground for this long without working out what’s going on above your head, where it’s going wrong and how to fix it.

I’m told I have a vocal and communication style that draws people in, makes them want to listen and can educate them at the same time. I’m also told I can communicate at all levels. This is good. But then I went for an interview a few days ago and was told I used unacceptably bad language during the interview. I’ll take the constructive feedback but I’ve been to over 1000 interviews in my career; what was I thinking! (assuming I did swear as often as they said I did, which is open for debate)

Maybe my style is too straight – I don’t pull my punches, I’ll give it to you exactly as it is. No holds barred. Hence my post recently about not sugar-coating the bad stuff – I give as I’m prepared to receive. So maybe a change in communication style is necessary or maybe a complete change in career. I don’t know.

What I do know, and I’ll close this rambling monologue with it; is I’m fed up of looking up at the stars. I want to be up there amongst them. Shining bright like the sun.

“Don’t reach for the stars and sparkle. Be the sun and shine!”

Vikki Kinsella, December 2017

I remember thinking that when I started my transition. I think it still stands today, don’t you?

Much love,

Vikki x

By Vikki Kinsella

My name is Vikki, and I’m a Transgender Female living and working in the UK.

I’ve started this blog purely as a way of writing down my thoughts and feelings, as I now start my journey through transition from living life as Male to becoming Female, and beyond. You see, I spent 45 years of my life living as, what is now known as, a cisgender Male - With almost no idea that I could even consider being Female, let alone consider corrective surgery. But I must admit I did have a tendency to THINK like a woman sometimes... But doesn't every Man think like a woman on occasion? Don't try and hide it boys, you know you do, lol...

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