Hiya gorgeous xx

How are you all tonight? Hope you’ve had a lovely day; and you’ve enjoyed the warm weather we’ve had this week? If not, or you’re in a different part of the world, then I hope all is well with you too…

Anyway, why the post tonight? Well, why not? I’m in a happy place tonight and I want to write to about it. It’s a different kind of happy place to those that I’m used to as it doesn’t involve me being excited about anything. It doesn’t involve any sort of major ‘happy’ news and it doesn’t involve anything that I may be working on; or about to work on…

It just involves contentment.

I’m content with what I have done, I’m happy with who I have become and I’m proud of the achievement that it’s took to get here.

Now in a former life; as Bert, I’d be worried (in the back of my mind), that something is going to go wrong and destroy it all. Because thats who Bert was, that’s what Bert had become toward the end, that was Bert’s life – always looking over his shoulder and worrying about what would happen next.

But as Vikki; I’m not worried – I don’t have to worry any more. I’ve got things I need to worry about, don’t get me wrong but I’m not panicking about them; not yet anyway. I know I can sort them out given the patience, thought and time I need. And I can get those three things by asking for them and using them wisely. I can do anything I want to if I put my mind to it. And I’m proud of myself for being me and knowing I can be who I want to be.

I’m in a much better place than I’ve ever been.

Things aren’t perfect yet, don’t get me wrong. I’ll lose my car; if don’t sell it and get a cheaper one soon. I’ve got debts to sort out and finances need to be taken care of – money is a big issue. I need a job – boredom could be a killer if it takes over. I’ve got the rape case I need to concentrate on (and that’s going to be huge if it gets out). However; I have my happy place, I have my home.

When you walk into my flat; you’re not walking into Bert’s flat, youre not walking into a bachelor pad or a computer workshop – You’re stepping into Vikki’s home. You’re stepping into a place of comfort and rest. A feminine environment that keeps the eyes alive with cues as to who I am and what I like. There’s coffee in the pot and different types of Tea to drink. There’s biscuits in the tin on the side in the kitchen. There’s pictures on the walls and butterflies around the rooms, and air fresheners everywhere to eliminate odours should they arise.

But…

If you didn’t know any better, you’d think a couple lived here; and not just one person. There’s a computer desk but with my PC and Laptop on it, my XBox and TV equipment are visible and masculine pictures of double decker buses in the bedroom… However, it’s a feminine room; not a masculine one – it’s the woman who wears the trousers and looks after the house in this place, not the man.

So all in all; I think I’ve managed to integrate the two parts of my personality – the masculine and the feminine – into one. With the feminine being the dominant side and my confidence boosting massively as I live my life as a woman. I’ve achieved my goal, done what I needed to do. I’ve put myself back together and made it all work as one. One person, one human being, one Me.

Now I just need to go out there and show the world who I truly am and let’s see if the world can handle me, lol.

I’m sure it can…

Much Love,

Vikki xx

Evening gorgeous xx

How you all doing? Good I hope? I can kinda say the same for myself; but it’s bittersweet. Very much tinged with deep sadness. A sadness that makes this post very hard to write.

Let me get a drink (I’ll need one), and I’ll tell you all about it…

Right, got it – Double Chocolate, Hazelnut and Caramel Mocha. Nom frigging nom…. 😉

Ok, so where do I start? Don’t say at the beginning, please?… I’m not rewriting the last year of my life, I may be green but I sure ain’t a cabbage. Anyway, what was the last post that made any sense? (Anybody dare say you haven’t written one yet, and I’m grabbing a bat)! – let’s have a look.

I’ll go back to ‘Powerful Emotions’; written on the 8th July – 2018 for those who are wondering what year it is – That’s the post where it all ended, that’s the point where I finally broke down. I’d had enough, and I honestly couldn’t take anymore. I couldn’t carry on the way I was going and my mind was, literally; at breaking point.

In fact, that was the start of the transformation…

You see, you reach a point in your transition where your mind will not let you go any further, your brain function is changing. Your hormones are different now and your brain has to become accustomed to that. You can’t carry on thinking the way you did before; because the parts of your brain that perform the processing for your thoughts are now working differently – running on different fuel, so to speak.

To give you an analogy, it’s kinda like having a diesel car; and only ever putting petrol in it. It’ll run fine but it’ll never run right – it can’t burn the fuel properly. And that’s how I’ve felt all my life, like a diesel car running on petrol; always trying to get it right but never able to do so. Now though, it’s like someone finally started putting diesel in. And after a trip to the garage and fuel system cleanout, I’m running on the right fuel – and running fine.

Thats the mental transition, for me, from Male to Female.

Just to let you know, it’s different for everyone – No two transitions are ever the same. We’ve all got different things going on in our lives, all have different personalities, different views on the world around us, different perspectives on life as a whole. But one thing remains the same; and that is we are changing gender (And if you’re not, you’re stopping halfway through, I still have my concerns with you) – We are transitioning.

Those concerns are mine though, and that’s my take on it – Not everyone else’s. It’s only fair to say that everyone’s view is different.

And that’s OK too.

Recent events have taught me to respect what others think, even if I forget it sometimes and act on impulse. When I do forget though, I’m only doing what feels right at the time, and doing what; as a woman, I am meant to do – Protect myself and my children. For want of a better phrase, I’m acting on my woman’s intuition.

But I know that now and I can see clearly that that is what I am doing. I never could before.

Anyway, the events in question that have led me here today, and given the new perspective on life that I have; involve my family. And it has been pressure from those events, and my family, that has led me to make some silly mistakes; doing things I wouldn’t normally do. The rape posts and my actions surrounding them, for example – Should’ve talked to family first.

Also, its given me the courage to take a stand at certain points, to speak out about how I really feel and tell people who I am and what I’ve done – Reporting the rape, as another example. Standing up to my family when it all came out. And being honest with my sister’s when they couldn’t understand why I came out as Trans…

It all resulted in one single moment though. And without the events that took place first, I wouldn’t have been able to do it. I wouldn’t have had the inner strength to give my mother the permission she needed to pass in peace. I ouldnt have been able to do it.

You see in my view (and only my view – before you shout), that’s what needed to be done. In that final moment, she needed to know the family would be safe. She was not going to go until she knew that. And for what ever reason, it appeared to come down to me to do it.

And because of that, I feel like I’ve made peace with my family now. And I can explain to them why I’m so different. And I can hopefully get them to understand who and what I am. And treat me as the sister, niece, whatever; that I always wanted to be…

But to end on a sad; yet fitting note.

Yes, my mother passed away; peacefully, with family around her, at 8:27am on 9th August 2018. A crematorial service to be held in her hometown of Widnes, in Cheshire, England. Where her ashes are to be mixed with those of my step father and they will both be laid to rest in a crematorial plot with family around them.

I’m not a religious person by any means; but may God bless them both, and may God finally allow them both to have their right arms back.

Love you both to the moon & back Mum & Dad, and I’ll miss you both always…

From the very bottom of my heart, I give you all my love,

Vikki xx

Evening gorgeous xx

How are you all today? Good I hope. Had a busy day? Hope you’re finally relaxing and enjoying your evening…

Well this is the first of two posts I’m going to write tonight; before I sign off. I’ve been meaning to write them for days, but there’s been one hell of a lot going on. Seriously, too much to explain in one post – I shit you not 😉

One specific thing that has been happening; definitely requires its own post, and that’s what this one is for – A post regarding a historic crime I detailed not so long back. The crime detailed in the post “The Hardest Thing I’ve Ever Had To Write…”

The crime of Rape.

But this post is not about the crime itself; for that, read the first post. But you see, in order for a crime to be reported; the victim has to give evidence – make a statement. And the police, once they have that evidential statement; have to act on that in accordance with the relevant law. That’s how it all works. You want justice, you have to be honest and upfront about what happened. And stick to the events that occurred.

So, when I detailed what happened to me on the blog; I immediately contacted the police. I had to, I was reporting a crime. That’s what had happened and it had to be dealt with.

I wasn’t expecting an outcome (and I still don’t), but I had to do the right thing, finally, and report it. So that’s what I did.

They took me extremely seriously, which I was surprised at – I have reported crimes to the police before; but haven’t had the treatment I deserved, or the outcome I expected.

I went ahead and reported the basics, was told it was out of area and would be referred; and to wait for a call back. It came. Promptly. The officer was really nice and took my story, even pausing while I recovered from the panic I got myself into. The crime was recorded; relevant law states it was Rape. I need to give video evidence. This must be investigated and referred to the Crown Prosecution Service. They’re taking it seriously. I felt better.

Since then other things have happened and my life is changing – massively, for the better. But I was still scared of giving video evidence. It mortified me.

It was arranged with an officer here; for her to come and see me. She was lovely and made me feel completely at ease. She arranged to take my statement at a time that suited us both (with a lot going on, it’s been hard), she’s kept in touch. And an opportunity looked like it was going to arise at the weekend. Which it most certainly did, and I took it – I knew I had to do it. So, at the weekend, I went in; accompanied by some close friends.

I cannot believe I had the courage within me to do it.

But I did.

And I will say this to anyone who’s been in my situation; and hasn’t had the courage of their convictions – there’s more of you than you think, isn’t there? Just because the outcome may not be what you want, get into a police station and report it. Don’t think that it will automatically result in a conviction, it doesn’t work like that. Don’t go in there thinking about them; that you can get them, that you can get justice because of what they did, it doesn’t always happen like that.

Go in there and report what happened to you, for you; for your piece of mind, for your self-esteem. Because if you don’t go in there and report what happened, and detail what you went through, and relive it (as hard as it is to do). You’ll never get over it, you’ll never come to terms with it and you’ll always run from it. Just like I did.

For 36 years…..

Much Love,

Vikki xx

Afternoon gorgeous xx

How are you all doing today? I hope today is better than yesterday and tomorrow is better than today. If only that were true…

For the moment, with everything that is going on; that is exactly the case. And I’ll come to all of that in a minute; but for now, I have a really good story to tell. A milestone on my journey; in fact.

You see today; I got dressed and went shopping, with friends. Looking for a couple of bits and pieces for the flat – make it a bit more “girly”; so to speak. The internal feminisation is complete and I’m now working on the external, how I look and feel, how I live; I am woman, hear me roar.

All went well, no interruptions, apart from one woman who did a double take when she seen my face – didn’t bother me, I thought it was quite cool.

But then I got home. And as I arrived, I was greeted by a new postman. To whom I said hello to. Nice chap, very talkative.

I got my shopping from the car in two trips; and headed indoors. As I did so, he was delivering a parcel to my neighbours; who were out. I said I’d take it in. He questioned me. I said I knew them and took the parcel. We both thought no more of it.

He carded my neighbour and turned to my door, as I was going through it. He asked me did I live there; to which I said yes. It was what happened next; by both him and me, that shocked me.

He asked me what my husband’s name was. And I immediately responded with “Robert”; my former name and he said, “You must be Victoria then”. And handed me all my mail.

It was then that I realised what had just happened…

Even though I was speaking to him in a relatively low, masculine, tone. Every visual cue that he was given said to him that I was female. So he assumed I was female and I never corrected him. I’d done it; and I had the proof. I’d become a woman.

I couldn’t believe it as he turned and left. Had this really just happened? Did he just refer to my former name as my husband? I wasn’t wearing a wedding ring; so maybe I should? But before he gave me the chance to correct him, he was gone. And at that moment, Robert had finally died; and was gone, and Vikki is now complete. My social transition to a woman – stage two – is now complete.

So where do we go from here?

Well, there’s still a lot of work to be done. It’s time to live my life as I want to now. I don’t have to hide behind any shadows anymore. I have stepped out into the light and become who I wanted to be. I just need to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life; and get out there and do it.

There really is nothing to stop me now as I’m no longer scared of myself and who I am.

Now is my time to shine.

Love,

Vikki xx