Morning gorgeous xx
As anyone who reads this blog regularly should know, I have a tendency to write most of my posts in the early hours of the morning, and this post is no exception to that rule. It should also be well known that some of the rougher posts I’ve had to write; have been written as I’m drying the tears from my eyes after desperately trying to find a solution to the problem.
This post is no exception to either of those rules. In fact, it combines both.
A bit of back story, first of all. As its important to understand how this post came to pass and what effect it has had.
This is my third post on the subject of the negativity, the hatred, and the internal Dysphoria felt by myself and other Trans people alike. The first was published in March 2018 and was brief introduction on the subject of Dysphoria itself – A quick “hello, this is what’s going to kick your backside for the rest of your life”. And believe me, it does, regularly. The second post was a few months later and was with regard to the negativity and hatred that the world has toward diverse communities (particularly Trans, and hopefully highlighting some of the root causes). Disguised or not, legal or not, it takes time, effort, education and strength to change a fixed idea in someone’s mind; especially if that idea was incepted during childhood.
That’s what I came up against recently. The fixed idea of what is male or female, man or woman, feminine or masculine. And are the three really all that different?
To move more up to date, and to flesh out a few things, I’m quite active on certain forms of social media. I use it to help people with their problems, conduct my business and as a way of gaining help, if available, to deal with issues that affect me. Facebook, for example; my public feed would have you wondering just what kind of a mad woman you are dealing with. It’s a no-holds-barred into my mind and how I think – Very straightforward, strong language, pragmatic and a warped sense of humour. Instagram, I don’t use. Expect for posting a few pictures which I’d like to keep as memories. Twitter, I should use more but don’t. It’s just another vehicle for this blog and a feedback mechanism if anyone so desires. And LinkedIn. Quite a new one for the blog but I’m an allstar profile holder as I’ve been using it for business purposes for quite some time (2004, if memory serves).
There’s another social network I use regularly but I don’t advertise. And the only reason I use it is to deal with problems of a personal nature. Be they mine or other people’s. That network is known as Whisper and it carries a stigma around it due to it being an anonymous network – you don’t have to tell anyone who you are or what you’re doing there. The network itself has changed radically in the four years I’ve been on it. Not in the way it is policed and the content it contains, but also in the attitude of the participants. To cut short, the basic principle is you can, within reason, post what you want as long as you can handle someone calling you out on it. As those callous can be extremely vociferous, to say the least.
As an example (and I’ll try to fuzzy the details as best I can), I see a lot of posts from Trans people who are having issues dealing with their transition. And there’s a wide variety of responses one can expect. A post I read recently from someone, was with regard to them being scared of starting their transition as they didn’t feel that they would “pass” as the opposite sex.
Now passing in the Trans community is a hotly debated subject and is far beyond the scope of this post. But it is the biggest cause of Dysphoria in Trans people – It’s borne out of the differences in what sex other people perceive you to be, contrasting against the sex that your mind perceives you to be. Your head is telling you your female (and amount of counselling will change that) but other people are telling you your male. Or the big one, the mirror tells you your male – That’s a killer. I’ve mentioned previously that there are approx 7000 physical differences between a male and female anatomy and the brain is programmed to spot those at a fundamental level. It’s how we deal with the information our senses and autonomous programming is giving us, that determines whether we perceive a person as male or female, and how we react to that perception.
Back to the subject of the post, and I responded to that post. I told the op (original poster on non geek speak) to feal the fear and do it anyway. And put a picture of myself up to show it can be done. The backlash was insane! – From both sides. The comments ranged from “You’re beautiful, well done, you look amazing” to “you aren’t anywhere close to passing”. Wow! I wasn’t expecting ting that.
I thanked the positive, and challenged the negative. I found myself quickly embroiled in an argument with one individual who knew a great deal of technical information with regard to the biology of the sexes. His problem was that his viewpoint, correct in a lot of ways, was very black and white – we are governed by two sex chromosomes X & Y and XX is female, XY is male. Deal with it.
I did. I was called a freak for believing that as I was assigned male at birth (AMAB), that I could be female. I brought up the subject of intersex conditions and how they are a lot closer to Trans conditions than many people think, he had rebuttals for that as well; disregarding some of my points, including chimerism. This guy was a hard one and it was going to hurt.
In the end, what changed the direction of the conversation was me “splitting hairs”, so to speak. Forcing an admittance from me that due to my physical makeup, I’ll never be the woman I want to be. But psychology, you can’t change what I am and I will hunt you down, if you try fight me on this one.
I was taken aback by the response. “I appreciate your honesty” and I wish more Trans people could see it the way you do. How do I deal with that???
Wow.
Who is this guy and what does he know, I need to find out more. I really do. So I did. I entered into a very detailed and technical dialogue of both the physical and psychological aspects of what it means to be Trans. And “he knew his shit”, as I say quite often. He wasn’t part of the LGBT community, however and had no intention of being. He was aware of the many divisions withing the community and how it was affecting perception within the rest of the social world. He was worthy adversary and one I will happily converse with on any occasion as clearly, he seeks the truth.
He said to me, the best comeback any trans person could make to his arguments; are that the trans person is a woman, to themselves, in all the ways that matter to them. He said he’d have no firm arguments against that. When prompted that I believe that’s what I had just done, he agreed. And at that point, when asked if I could write this post, he agreed. I hope I’ve done him justice and would welcome his feedback.
We continued the debate in a private conversation as I divulged some of the history behind the LGBT movement and added definitions for some of the diverse groups within that. It came to pass that we shared similar views on a lot of the new trends within the community, and how younger people are defining themselves in new and different ways; with those definitions causing confusion outside the boundaries of the community.
It was a very enlightening debate on both sides and I must admit I was exhausted when it was over. But you must be thinking, what has this to do with Dysphoria and why were you crying when you started this post? Well…
As I mentioned previously, the basis of Dysphoria is the intrinsic differences between how you view yourself and how the rest of the world views you. Mirrors don’t help that as they give you a third person perspective of how you view yourself. Well I’ve spent two years looking in the mirror and training my brain to ignore certain physical features that it processes as male, in order to define myself as female; so that my brain can accept who I am when I look in the mirror. The result being that when I do look on the mirror, I don’t break down and what to slit my throat (to put it bluntly). I looked in the mirror earlier and my brain focussed on the bridge of my nose, which is a distinctly male feature. Twenty minutes I was crying for and all I could think about was that I don’t pass. I don’t look female. I’m not female. I never will be. Shit, that hurt.
How did I deal with it, and how did I manage to write this post?
Well, firstly, writing this post has taken the issue to hand and put it out of my head – It’s now down on paper. Second, I’ve allowed myself to step back, To realise that I am a woman in all the aspects that both matter to me and are physically possible to change. To realise that those aspects I can’t change don’t make me any less of a woman, but in accepting them as part of me and that I am a woman makes, me more so. I’ve learnt the truth to see the truth for what it is. And because it is the truth, no one can change it.
There’s just one thing though. I knew this all along, I must have done as I would never have been able to split the hair and prevent the issue from escalating. Making me more of a woman than I ever thought possible.
And that is what it means to be feminine.
Much love,
Vikki xx
FeelingTrans 