Morning gorgeous xx

I hope your all happy and well, that life is treating you kindly and your needs / wants are all taken care of. If not, and life is not treating you well, I pray you find peace soon ❤

The main topic of today’s post is things that trigger us and make us want to scream. You all know what I mean; you read something, see something, hear something. Or, worse still someone close does something, that you just can’t abide. And the thing is, no matter how hard you avoid it, you’re gonna flip your lid. It’s a trigger – you pull the trigger, the gun goes off, simple… Well I come across one of those today, it came in the form of a Facebook post I seen on my wall.

Now I won’t bore you with the finer points but there’s a school of thought that links Narcissism, and defacto self absorbed traits, with the upper end of the Autistic Spectrum (ASD Level One, or Asperger Syndrome to be more precise). And having taken a brief look at this, I’ll agree there can be similarities in behaviour.

However…

The major difference, is the question of intent. And remorse. And neither of these appear to be taken into consideration by the “elite” who peddle this vitriol without pause for thought.

OK, that’s a real harsh introduction to the subject, and I will, most certainly, advise readers to explore the subject further. And of course, come back and challenge me on it; should they so wish. But the point of this post, however, is not with regards to the Cassandra Phenomenon or what similarities may lie with ASD Level One and NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). The point of this post is the fact that comparing the two is a trigger for most people with ASD Level One – Due to the question of Intent, and Remorse.

So what defines a trigger?

Well, the easiest way to define it; is sensory input that breaches a person’s limits and causes an internal or external reaction. The internal reaction can be the reliving of a memory, while the external reaction can be an outward emotion. It’s breached your limits, you can’t get around it.

I’m in a number of Facebook groups, of differing topics (Trans, Autism, IT, what-have-you) and this “trigger” appeared multiple times, generating A LOT of responses. Wow. It fired an entire community into action. What I’m currently thinking is: Why was it posted? What was the intended outcome? I don’t actually know, and the post itself was swiftly taken down (along with the page from the look of it). If the person who posted it is so against an entire community of people, why antagonise (and “Trigger”) a response from that community?

Which brings me back to the Cassandra Syndrome. An autistic person wouldn’t intend on breaking a person they’re in a relationship with (to the point the they feel worthless), a narcissist would. Oh look, Intent… And while we are at it, an autistic person would feel a great deal of remorse once this issue is pointed out to them, a narcissist wouldn’t – it’s all about them.

Food for thought, eh?

Much love,

Vikki xx

Morning gorgeous xx

Hope everyone is OK; as the UK battles storm Ciara. Do remember to check on loved ones in every part of the UK – You don’t really know if everyone is OK unless they’re able to tell you. And for those who are suffering under the battering ram that Britain is facing, I pray you come through this without great loss. My thoughts are with you at this time…

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Back to the post, as there are comparisons to be made and they’re why I’m writing today, so I’ll make them. But before I do, let me address an issue that has sprung out of the last post.

There have been people in my life that would say I’m an attention seeker, that I use events and people to gain attention to myself. That’s not true. As an autistic person; is see comparisons, correlations and patterns; usually in events and exchanges – If I say I’ve seen something before, I usually have; even if it was in a dream. I’m writing this post in the background of storm Ciara. Not because I want to use the storm to promote the post, but because I see a pattern in the storm; and noticing that has prompted me to write.

What did I see? Simple, storms are natural events that create havoc and cause change. They’re not the type of atmospheric event that you want to be dancing in the rain to. You need to be sheltered, battening down the hatches and hoping that your house is strong enough to cope with the battering that will unfold around you. You need to make sure your loved ones are safe, that the possessions you cannot afford to lose are taken care of and, if resources allow, that those in your community are also safe.

It is not an event that you should be looking forward to….

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I see my life, currently, as going through a storm. A storm so big that my home hasn’t been able to withstand it, so big that my possessions are at risk and some will be lost, and so big that I’ve had my doubts whether I’ll make it through…

And that’s an admission right there for me – I’m vulnerable, and I will be hurt. I’m going to take a battering getting through this one and my wiley, Rat-type nature (I was born under the Chinese year of the water rat, 1972) isn’t going to be enough to see me through. I’m scared for the future, as I cannot see it; and I need to ask for help, as I cannot get through this alone.

Help has been offered, thank god, and I have a roof over my head because of that – I’m one of the lucky one’s. And I dread to think what life would be like for me had I been homeless this winter. My current situation does make me think about those who are homeless in these conditions, and what they must be going through; trying to battle high winds, torrential rain and freezing temperatures. Huddled in doorways not knowing from which direction the life threatening conditions will come from next.

It puts a more realistic spin on the depression I’m feeling, as I’m certain that I wouldn’t survive these terrible conditions – I wouldn’t know how to cope. Surviving homelessness takes a special kind of person and it changes you in ways most people can’t imagine. I’m lucky, I’ve always had a roof over my head of a night; even if it’s been just for one night. Others are not so lucky and they’ve found themselves battling to survive in conditions such as these, with nowhere to go and no shelter to be found.

What are they thinking, what are they feeling? What are we, as a country, doing to protect them during the storm? If everyone who reads this takes a moment to think about that, maybe we can do what the storm wants us to, and effect change, in a positive way?

Much love,

Vikki xx

Morning Gorgeous…

How are you all today? Good I hope. As that’s the meaning of life; to feel good about ourselves, to survive in this crazy world of ours and for life to be peaceful and enjoyable – Whatever issues life may throw at us.

However, life isn’t always like that. It isn’t always a bed of roses, we do make mistakes and life is a challenge. We have good days and bad days. We do things right, sometimes amazingly so and we get things wrong… Also amazingly so. We can’t always have what we want, and there are times when we must pay for our mistakes and paying for those mistakes isn’t always in a way we expect. What was that phrase my mother used to say when she was alive? “God doesn’t pay his kindnesses back in money”, very true one. Of course, me being me, it was a long time before I learnt the true meaning of that phrase, and in order to do so; I’ve had to see both sides of the coin.

Which brings me nicely to the point of this post. I’ve done things I regret, we all have, I very much doubt we’d be human if we hadn’t. It doesn’t matter how big or small those things are; they are there. Sitting in the background of your life, just waiting to come at you one day, and bite your bum. And they will, they always will.

What is the point of this? It’s twofold, let me break them out…

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Firstly, I’m making a public apology for the things I’ve done wrong. And there’s several terrible things I’ve done, but I did them. It WAS my fault. I WAS to blame. And whatever else I say, to whoever else I do, I will never deny that. I did it, it was my fault. Irrespective of the actions I take or the words I use, if I’ve done something to hurt you, I DID IT. There is no denying that; and anybody who knows me, will know I never will – Especially if the weight of evidence is against me!

Look, I can be argumentative; it’s true, I will argue back. I can, and sometimes will, make you PROVE your point; even in what appears to be the face of reason! I also can, and do, have a terrible memory for events – I MAY NOT REMEMBER! It’s a blank, fill me in and walk me through it; but don’t call me out for it. And I also can, and sometimes will, fly in the face of reason and make that many attempts to apologise that I’ll make the issue a hundred times worse – Walk away Vic, and stay away.

Yeah, I’ve made mistakes as well. Asking things of people I shouldn’t have asked, doing things I shouldn’t have done and taking things I shouldn’t have took. They’re all there, the entire gamut of mistakes that can be made; at some point I’ve made them.

There are people out there who will say I’m not a nice person. They’re right to say that based on the situation we were in. At that time they saw my bad side; and I did what I did because I did it. Period.

For that, I wholehearted and sincerely apologise. I am sorry.

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But there is a second reason for this post as well, and this is the underlying issue. I’m Autistic – Asperger Syndrome (or ASD Level 1 as it’s known); and us Autistic people, we think and act different to NeuroTypical people. Our brains are wired differently, and not always in a good way. For proof of that; see above. When I look back at my life; I see the many good things I have done, but I also see many bad things – As mentioned, some very bad.

The problem is, I don’t see everything. As an Autistic, I can’t read social cues; be they good or bad. Body language and hidden communication, to most NT (NeuroTypical) people, is a skill that can be learnt and a very useful language when you’ve learnt it, but not to me. I’ll be blunt and to the point – It’s an absolute fucking minefield, ripe for an explosion with me. If I’m going to make a mistake, if I’m going to screw up royal; I won’t see it coming, not a chance.

I can think of a recent situation, which involves a very big wrong that I did to someone, where I walked into an absolute minefield and it blew up in my face. What caused it to blow up in my face was misinterpreted, but I also forgot something that was said to me. It was my own fault, all of it, including the original event.

Here’s the problem though, it wasn’t until I received the outburst of someone anger; that I realised what had happened. And it was talking to someone about it later, that I put two and two together. If the people involved ever read this, to you, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry. No if’s, and’s or buts. Period. If you need an explanation, see above. That’s why we are here.

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So OK, back to the post. Why is it called “360 Degree Feedback”? That’s simple, that’s what I’m asking for; feedback. BUT I’m asking for feedback with a difference. Let me explain, firstly by saying that I’ve expanded this blogs reach – I never intended this blog to enter my professional life, it was always a personal thing. (FeelingTrans means just that; Feeling Transition – The thoughts and feelings, from a brutally honest perspective, of how I’m handling the biggest life-changing decision that anyone can ever make) and secondly, using a hashtag; which I hope, if things proliferate, will bring about some kind of change. Not just for me, but anyone in my situation.

For anyone who doesn’t quite “get it”, who can’t “get it”, who doesn’t understand HOW to “get it”; even if their intelligence level is such as that they should “get it”.

For people like me, the worst thing you can do is be nice when I’ve done something wrong. Thinking you can spare my feelings by sugar coating it, and sweetening it up. And there it is, the hashtag:

#dontsugarcoatthebadstuff

Vikki Kinsella, Jan 2020

Don’t do it. Don’t spare my feelings, because I won’t feel it – Unless you give it to me straight. No point in pulling your punches, because if I don’t hit the floor, it didn’t hurt. I’m not going to cry about it, unless I have no choice and you bring me to tears. And I sure as hell ain’t going to learn from it, unless it leaves it’s mark on me! It’s that simple.

So I’ve linked this blog with my LinkedIn profile. LinkedIn is a business network, owned by Microsoft and prolific all over the world. So this post will appear in a social network designed for business users. A network designed with professional people in mind. Designed to expand your network and enhance your career, moving it forward. Designed to do business, by business, for business.

There’s a problem. THIS POST and this post alone, has the potential to destroy my career. In the beginning, did I not admit my faults, did I not say I can be a bad person and did I not ‘fess up for doing things wrong? Would you want to do business with me?

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And here’s the deal, here’s what I’m asking. I’m asking anyone who reads this to tell me what’s wrong. If I’ve ever done something wrong to you, air it in the comments (on any forum that you see this). If you don’t like me, say so. If you’ve got a gripe, or a problem, tell me. And don’t hold back.

For those that don’t recognise me, I’ll do something no Trans person should ever do. I’ll give you my former names. In fact, here they are below:

• Vikki Kinsella
• Bert

If you know me and you’ve worked with me, and you’ve got something to say, say it. Come straight out with it. I’m asking you, not to sugar coat the bad stuff.

Much Love,

Vikki xx

Morning gorgeous xx

I hope everyone who used to read this is still following and hasn’t forgotten. If you have, that’s not a surprise; it’s been nearly a year since I wrote last. And a lot has happened in that time. It will take me several posts to bring you up to date with all the events that have taken place and the changes I’ve been through.

To start with, I will testify that there have been some good times, some very good times, some bad times and some downright awful times. Especially in recent months. Christmas 2019 was probably as bad as Christmas 2001, if not worse; for the exact opposite reason. To explain, I’ll need to explain Christmas 2001 and that’s for another post. I won’t go into that now.

Let me show you the physical changes first, and see what you think? I like them, I think I’m finally happy with the person I’ve become. Minor adjustments, get through the surgery, get on with my life. At least that’s the plan. So, here’s Vikki, 2020 style….

How are you all? Good I hope. Must admit, the biggest change was getting rid of those god-damn wigs! They were such a pain in the summer! It was like wearing a coat on your head, lol – Although hair care! Guy’s you’ve got it easy. All those prima donna guys who point their hair with gel and what have you? Shut the front door, it’s noisy in here. There’s enough noise from the hairdryers and straighteners without you lot opening your mouth!

Another big change that’s happened recently? I’ve moved. Forcibly, but moved none the less. I’m now back home, back in the North West of England – From the look of things, where I belong. And so far it’s good to be back.

I’m not going to say too much more at this time as I’m writing this on my tablet and I’ve got a years worth of organising to do. With the subsequent posts filling you in on all the detail (that I can give) as they are published. So, with that in mind, I’ll say adios for now and I’ll see you in the next one.

Much Love,

Vikki xx

Morning gorgeous xx

How are you all doing today? Hope you are all well and life is treating you good; if not, I do empathise and I’m sending my biggest hugs out to you.

So, first of all allow me to apologise for the lack of recent posts. I started this blog as a way of helping me deal with the thoughts that were going through my mind; as transitioned from my old life as a man to my new life as a woman. And I can now say with almost absolute certainty that my social transition is now complete. I am socially accepted as a woman wherever I go. I love it, I love my life now and loving my new life is assisting with my mental transition massively – I very rarely correct myself now. I refer to myself as Vikki and my dysphoria is much less evident (although it still exists).

So what have I been doing recently? Why have I been so quiet? Well… Between November and February I was working. I’d managed to land a contract working in my old favourite jaunt of I.T. – Application Support Analyst to be precise, nice job, paid well but ended way too soon. Ah well, que sera.

What that did for me though; was it gave me time to process everything that had happened during the previous 12 months. Time to come to terms with it all, to close the open wounds and give them some space to begin the healing process. And time to learn about myself & my place in the world. When the contract ended however, I found myself with a lot of time on my hands and an environment that didn’t fit the person I had become. Quite a few things didnt feel right about my life, and I desperately needed to change them – So change them I did.

Now I havent talked very much regarding the financial side of Transitioning (be it MtF or FtM) but it’s an expensive process – Very expensive. I’m not going into great detail now but what I will say; is I’ve managed to get this point very cheaply. It’s still in the mid four figures range though, somewhere north of £5,000 to give you an idea. The chunk stated above was around £750, easily – I got what I wanted though, you walk into my home and you are entering a feminine environment, there’s no evidence that a man ever lived here.

So I’ve done Me, both inwardly & outwardly and my environment. Next up is my job. How am I going to attack that one?… Hmmm….

Until next time. Much Love,

 

Vikki xx