I have never cried so much as I have in these last two weeks. This is obviously a life changing experience…. xx

For the first time in my life i dont have a backup plan if things go wrong. And that’s what is happening. Apparently it’s all my fault… xx

Morning gorgeous xx

This is straight from the heart. This is how I’m feeling right now – and boss, I know your reading this, please take this as it’s intended. I’m trying…

But this has to come out.

I’m in pain. And it’s probably my fault. I’ve shed a lot of tears tonight.

Work has not gone according to plan. I’ve been issued a final written warning. My performance hasn’t been up to standard. I’ve not handled the issues I’ve faced very well.

You see in a fighter. I’ve always had to fight and I don’t know when to stop. I don’t know when to accept that I’m in the wrong. To admit defeat. Just let go…

You see that’s what comes from having to be so strong that you have no choice but to win. Or die. And that’s what happened to me as a child. At age nine, I was put in a position where it was win or die. And I won. I had to or I wouldn’t be here to tell the tale. But it messes with your life because you can’t see past that. Everything becomes a battle that you have to win.

But life is not like that, is it? There’s more to it than that. Other people have opinions as well. And they’re not the same as yours. You try to understand and you reach a point where you think you have. But have you really? You just never know.

I’m writing this tonight because I am in transition. I’m changing. I have no choice. I can’t stay the same anymore. The person I once was is literally dead. I can’t win this fight, because in doing so; I will lose everything. It will not be a victory. It will be defeat. I will have defeated myself. I will have lost and I can’t afford to do that. Losing everything is not an option.

I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future anymore, I just know that if i have that feeling of deja-vu again that I can’t win the battle. And it’s pointless trying. There are some battles in life that you can’t win, ad they’re the ones that are designed to teach you lessons. And I have reached one of those.

No idea what tomorrow will bring. But whatever it is, I have to accept my fate.

THAT, when it comes to Autism, is the hardest thing in the world to accept.

God help me. And please give me the strength to get through this. Because I don’t know if I have it within myself…

Love to you all..

Vikki xx

Morning Gorgeous xx

Well, today has been an interesting day. I know it sounds hard to believe, but I actually finished something I started today. Autism does not always rock (hahaha).

As part of my journey, I knew that I had to square things up everybody that I’d wronged, that I care about. There are people that I used to know, that I loved and could never show it in the way that I wanted to (because I wasn’t who I wanted to be). These people could only assume that I was being nasty and causing pain for the sake of it when I did the things that I did – and that wasn’t true. I did what I did because I didn’t know any better and I had to do SOMETHING, anything to try to sort things out in my head.

I lost some good people, in amongst the toxic people that I didn’t want to know.

Well, those good people have a right to know, they have a right to know what has happened and why. The have a right to know that Vikki has been hiding inside Bert’s head, waiting for the opportunity to shed his shell – And to come to the fore and talk to them. Tell them how she was feeling, and why things happened. Tell them that Bert slowly dying a messy death over several years…

And do you know what. She fucking did it. She did, and she did it in style. In a style only Vikki knows how – elegant, painless and perfectionist. She has got what it takes, she can do what she needs to do and she can handle the stuations that are put in front of her. When your old best friend (of over 30 years) tells you he should’ve punched your lights out but didn’t; what choice do you have? Do you agree or disagree?? Well, If you couldn’t take a side in an argument and have the guts to deal with it, they were right and you agree with them. Simple.

Well guess what – That’s what happened to me.

You do get sick of being in the middle of an argument between people that you love though. And that happened to me all the time. It was a fecking good idea for me to move away, people I loved arguing with each other and asking me to mediate was just wrong. It shouldn’t have happened. Did they REALLY care about me? Honest answer is I don’t know and I don’t care anymore – it’s all water under the bridge. But the thing is, without those issue’s; what did learn from all the experiences I had?

I’ll tell you.

I learnt when to stop. When to back away. When to turn around and say; “fuck you” – That’s not my fight, that’s yours. And I’ll speak to you all separately; just not together, and in the same room. SEP… Somebody Else’s Problem.

I Want to Cry. I should Cry and i@m going to in the next 5 minutes but, these tears are real…..

*** To all the people I’ve ever hurt, I love you all; and I’m sorry – I did it because I didn’t know any better. ***

Lots of Love xx

 

Vikki xx

 

 

Morning Gorgeous xx

I’m going to keep this post really short. The reason for that is I don’t know what to say to this – I just don’t. I woke up this morning, I started to get dressed and I noticed something. I noticed a change, in my face. Only a slight change, but enough to make a difference. People whove known me a long time should see it straight away, those that don’t – this is here for your entertainment.

But the upshot is, I wanted to do what I see a lot of Trans people doing, I wanted to give you a before and after. I want you to see who Bert was, and who Vikki is. Then I’m going to let you make up your own mind whether I’m on the right path or not…

Here’s Bert:

There’s no makeup on there, just a bit of BB cream to hide the blemishes.

And here’s Vikki:

These pictures were taken an hour apart. So I’m going to leave it right there. Answers on a postcard…

Much Love,

 

Vikki xx

Morning Gorgeous xx

Or is it?…

Actually it’s 1am, on a school night. I should not be writing this as I should be asleep – but I’m not. I can’t sleep, that’s why I’m writing this. I write when I need to, when I HAVE to, and when I want to.  And all three of those points is right now. I should control my timings more, but the creative process doesnt work like that – it comes out when it comes out, and there’s bugger all I can do about it .

Now is one of those times.

(And Boss… I know you’re reading this fella; these things happen – Chill, this is a welcome to my world moment)

Back to the situation at hand: It’s 1am, I can’t sleep. I’ve had a glass of Vodka (and another one is presently in front of me – this is only my second), and I’m happy – it’s like being on a night out but I never actually walked through my front door.

It could be false happiness – because it could be Vodka that’s making me feel like this? (No, I’m not convinced as I was like this before I cracked the bottle). First day back at work? Yeah it went OK, but it’s work – although I hate being bored, and I was busy enough. General uplifting feeling as things are starting to change for the better? Maybe?

In all honesty, it could be anything that’s giving me this feeling at the moment. And given the week I’ve had – who knows. What I do know is this, for this short period of time; I feel OK – I feel normal, like a normal human being. And that’s rare, almost never happens; rare. But it’s a good rare, one that I like rare. One that I’ll maybe even keep rare – you can’t live like this every day. Life is about balancing the good and the bad, this is good (I know there’s people out there who will say it isn’t). But the reason it’s good; is because I rarely have this kind of feeling – and I’ve NEVER been able to write about it before…

** Update at 8:30am, something struck me; and I think I know what it is. But I’m keeping it private for now. **

So picture this – I’m on my settee, laptop on my lap, Vodka, Phone, Xbox playing Deezer (Camila Cabello, Crying in the Club – tuuune!) and random friends on my phone who want to talk, and so they do – with some random conversations (tell you another time, when I can get the text out). So should I be in bed? Yes. Should I be asleep, Yes. Should I be counting Sheep? Yes. And I will be soon, I’m sure there are people out there who will have something to say about me being awake at 1am on a school night. But now is not the time for that. Now is about recovery, rebuilding, and renewing. Rebuilding lost relationships with family and old friends, recovery from some of the pain of the last few months, and starting afresh with new people, new places and new things.

But above all, just once in a while, now is about having some fun.

Life is 10 times more difficult if you don’t enjoy yourself – and I wanted to let you guys in on the bits of me that people haven’t seen yet – The fun side, the side that enjoys life, some people call it the real me. I call it the bit of Vikki that’s been crying to get out for years. She’s the side that dances in heels in my living room at midnight, wearing a black pencil dress and 4 inch stiletto’s. She’s the side that gives me my sense of humour and takes the biscuit out of anything that’s funny (don’t be on the receiving end). She’s the side that, in all honesty, gives me my womanhood.

And without her – I am lost….

Much Love,

 

Vikki xx