Morning Gorgeous xx

Hope you are all well today – if you’ve read the last post; you’ll know I’m not. But I’m getting there.  Grief is a process and it’s different for everyone. There’s no hard and fast rules on what to do to get through it, you just have to deal with it in your own way.

Well I’m glad I’ve got this blog as it helps me deal with it. It helps me to clear my head. And in all honesty, it can be a mess in there – it is most days. I need a whole lifetime of psychotherapy just to get out of bed some mornings, and today is one of those mornings. I mean, the last two posts were written in the wrong order and they sat there for 4 days. I wrote the first one (“Oh My God, What a Mess…”) ten minutes ago. As I had to close the other one down in order to move on to this.

You see life is a mess for me. I have the necessary skills to make it real easy, I know what I need to do to make my life a success – and it can be a big success as well. But I can’t use them, I can’t make it work, it’s like I have a physical illness that stops my hands from working. I just can’t do what I need to do – or if I do, I never finish the job.

This is not a physical illness though, If you look at me (And I’m going to post some pictures soon, so you can see), you wouldn’t think anything was wrong – In fact, there’s one picture where I literally look the the most confident woman you’ll ever meet. But look at the expression on my face. No I’m Not.

I have such a hard time getting that across to people and for 44 years of my life I never knew why. I do know though, I honestly think I do, what I’ve learned in the last two years explains so, so much about who I am, what I am. It also, looking back, explains WHY I did some of the things I did. I can never excuse them, and I don’t believe they were that bad. But they were just stupid. Stupid, stupid mistakes. Forgetful. Never finishing what you started and then trying to justify why, and coming up with wrong reasons. Not being able to ask for help, as you don’t know what help you need. Not being able to control your mouth, as the gear linkage doesn’t work in the same way as everyone else.

Well that’s Autism, that’s Asperger Syndrome, thats ME.

When I called my mother on Wednesday, it was for two reasons. One, it was about time to apologise for my lack of control – I know why now. And two, was finally tell her I knew why. I didn’t know how it was going to go down, I didn’t even know if she would accept the phone call; but I’m glad she did. It gave me that chance to speak to her, to explain to her. I say her, as I can’t say the same about my dad. He’s not here anymore (I’ve just said that to myself four times as i still can’t believe it) and stops me dead in my tracks every single time.

I mean, how do you recover from this. What I’m going through at the moment IS the most difficult thing anyone can ever go through, it’s LIFE CHANGING – life will never be the same again for me, the world will never see me the same again, and I’ll never be treated the same by anyone ever again. So in order affect that change correctly, I’ve had to go back through my life and explain to people WHY I treated them the way I did. And, if they’ll take it (and not all will), try to apologise – I’m sorry folks, I fucked up.

Some of those bags are bigger than others, some you care about, some you don’t. But you at least have to try (I’ve just thought of another one I need to do). You won’t make it through without trying, you cannot carry all that baggage forward into that new life – as it WILL fuck you up. To use an anaology, it won’t fit in the baggage hold of the plane, not even a AN-225 and them fuckers are BIG!. You leave it behind, you sort what you can and you leave the rest behind. THAT’s what you do.

And that’s what I have to do now. There are things and people for my past that I’m going to take with me, or try to take with me – I may not be able to take what I would like. And there are other things and people that I’ll leave behind, or HAVE to leave behind because they can’t come with me. If it’s left behind though, it has to be sorted to both sides satisfaction, it CAN NEVER resurface, it is gone for good.

That’s the problem I have right now, insanely that’s the problem I have with my family right now.

They can see this, and I hope that last paragraph doesn’t come as a surprise – it’s the reason why I came back. I’ve told them this though, I’m not hiding anything now; I can’t. I can’t make the same mistakes as I have in the past, I have to sort the problems out -those problems that I can sort. My family dynamic isn’t the same anymore – it’s a hell of a lot smaller as they’ve rejected their baggage and the toxic people. So I don’t have as much to work with as what I used to, yet that could be a good thing.

The honest answer is that I just don’t know how this is going to go. It’s going to need time, patience, and a lot of understanding on both sides. And if the truth be told, it’s Que Sera – What ever will be will be. This future is DEFINITELY not ours to see.

Much love to you all,

 

Vikki xx

Morning Gorgeous xx

** OK Guys, it will be helpful to know that I wrote this post 4 days before I published it. Reading it back some things don’t make sense, but once you’ve read it; I hope you can appreciate why – Much Love, Vik x **

Well it is with a very heavy heart that I write today. This last week has been absolutley crazy. If I’m honest, I do not know what to do for the best; I just know I have to do SOMETHING.

So I’m turning to what I know helps, being creative.

I mean, my last post was short; not intentionally short. I just didn’t have a lot to say. Life was busy, I didn’t have a lot of time, I had a lot to concentrate on. I used to call it hell; and in a way it was. It was a build up, tension was mounting, I was thinking about a lot of things, trying to re-organise things, generally turning the pressure up to see what I could cope with.  Fair do’s you need to know.

I mean, money was a pain in the backside. I’d had a lot to pay out, I’m in debt up to my eyeballs thanks to the ex, I NEED certain treatments that are expensive in order to move forward – and I can’t do everything at once, no matter how hard I try. There are things I can do to help; slow things down, put up with a bit of pain – you can’t do this quickly on your own and definitely not on your own if you’re in debt, no matter how you got there.

But even I never expected this. What has happened this week has knocked me right on my backside – and I am struggling. Getting straight to the point – IT HURTS.

Ok, so I knew I was going to find it difficult to get through this month. I’d been forced to pay out for things that I didn’t want to pay out for just yet. Money was, and is at the time of writing this, non existant. And I admit, I was banging my head against a brick wall. But now, I don’t give a shit.

Money has been my primary concern, that woman taking me for all that money clearly threw me into situations I never thought possible. And it’s due to that, that were today. But the last week has seen a paradigm shift in what concerns me. And it’s taken every single ounce of guts that i’ve got not to insane.

It started through the money, I took a week off work to sort everything out. I had it all planned out and I started to execute it perfectly. By the Tuesday, when I had a counselling appointment, I knew where I was at and lists of tasks were ready to go. But then Tuesday night, as planned, I went with some friends to see a play. It was an LGBTQ play about a man coming to terms with being Gay in the world of Boxing. It sounded straightforward enough and it was a really good play, believe its been nominated for a few awards – it deserves them, it is that good.

FYI, the play is called Gypsy Queen and has been written by a guy called Rob Ward. If you can get to see it while it’s on tour – do.

But the play itself brought some very strong feelings to the surface which I haven’t dealt with. I thought I had, but I haven’t. And I don’t think I’m complete this transition until I do. I’ve already discussed these feelings with counsellors in previous sessions and they’d said I needed to deal with them, they’d also made suggestions of how; based on certain that situations that may or may not happen. Either way, if you don’t do it and you end up in that situation, you know what to expect.

Well fuck me, I did not expect to end up in that EXACT situation. Was the damn counsellor psychic??? She must have been…

So What situation are we talking about, and why the heavy heart? Why the sadness?? What’s wrong Vik???

Watching the play got me thinking. Got me thinking about family. The play had links, and I believe was set in (might be wrong, don’t shoot me Rob) Liverpool in the 1980’s – certainly one of the characters was the original scouse ma’ as they say, a definite comical rendition. All seeing, all knowing, with a very thick skin but a big softie underneath. Well she reminded me of my mother – and the situation of being LGBTQ, and having to hide it for whatever reason, struck a massive chord. You see ultimately, I left Liverpool because I couldn’t handle being LGBTQ in that area of the country – it is very slow to change up there and they don’t suffer fools gladly. In addition, my viewpoint was warped to start with; as you already know from previous posts. So I decided it was time to get back in touch and clear the decks – everyone deserves an apology at some stage, don’t EVER let an argument settle without cleaning it up first.

And there needed to be apologies, in my view on both sides. But someone’s got to take the initiative and start the conversation, and it was going to have to be me. So I did, I sent a message and waited for a response…

It wasn’t long before I got one. I came from my Auntie, she wanted to know who it was that was contacting her using a profile from someone she knew who disappeared. SO I just said to work it out, which she very quickly did. Then came the bombshell. That was the moment my world fell apart. 7pm on Wednesday, right smack in the middle of the week. I’d lost my dad…

I was done.

It fucking hurts writing this, and I’m in tears again; I have been for two days now. But there’s more to this than meets the eye; you see I pushed my parent’s away five years ago as I was forced to choose between them and my unborn son. I was put in a situation where I had one on one side, another on another and I’m in the middle having the question fired at me – Can you believe each side is saying this, and what are you going to do about it? Well which one do you choose? Your family, or your son? I chose my Son, I didn’t feel like there was a choice, I thought; with enough time that I could repair the damage I’d done. But it was going to take time – I’d have to fix myself first.

Over time I had to cement that decision, and circumstances during that year kind of forced me down that path. Once the choice was made there was no going back, it was done. And the party involved very quickly dragged me off in the corner I’d chosen and that was that. It was a battle and they’d won. I didn’t see it that way, but they obviously did. The result is that I haven’t seen anyone from my family since, and my name was dirt, my mother made sure of that. Just like I knew she would. But I’ll never see my dad again.

So I had to ring my mum. I had no idea what reception I was going to get, but I had to make that call. I may be looking to have my balls chopped off and put in my handbag, but I definitely needed them swinging on that night. And I made sure they were, and I made that call. The news was correct. Mum had lost her right arm. At which point came the second shock, it was nearly a year before. No one told me.

Well, I have to say, I can’t finish writing this post. I’ve tried for 3 days and there’s so many other thoughts going around in my head it’s ridiculous – I have a whole other post to write on them and I need to do so. That news has literally been an Atomic Bomb under my feet, an Atomic Bomb with two blasts, the first knowing my Dad is dead and the second, knowing I’ll never get to say the things that I needed to say. I never thought things like this were real, or that they ever happened to me; but they damn well are.

I’m going write the next post, as that’s a whole different ball game.

I miss you Dad,

 

Vikki xx

Morning Gorgeous xx

I’m going to keep this one short – really short. But it has to go up as it follows into the next quite accurately; so here goes…

Well, they say today is the first day of the rest of your life. Well I actually realised ow true that is this morning and, yet again, I’m in a very reflective mood – with an awful lot going around in my head.

I went to see a play last night, don’t go to the theatre very often (I should). The storyline revolved around a man, a boxer, who was Gay. And it was about him coming to terms with that fact and essentially “coming out” to the world.. It’s a damn good play, written by a guy called Rob Ward. It was written in response to the 2014 Winter Olympics in Russia and has been nominated for a number of awards – it deserves them.

It strikes a chord with me as the whole play is written from the point of view of freedom of expression (a lot of ‘of’s’ in there, lol). And I think it strikes a chord with anybody whose ever had difficulty expressing themselves. In my case it struck the chords of LGBT+ as I am Trans, as you know. But it my case it also struck the chord of the difficulties that people face when trying to express themselves; not just as LGBTQ. See, I’m Autistic as well, which creates further difficulties as I don’t see the world the same way other people do – and that adds an extra barrier on the road to being able to express yourself freely. That barrier has caused me a lot of pain and ultimately resulted in the post that I’ll put up next.

Go see the play, if you can or at least read up on it – in my case, it’s life changing.

Much Love,

 

Vikki xx

Morning Gorgeous xx

Apologies all if I haven’t posted in a while.  I have to say that life has been extremely busy and I’ve been very, VERY focussed on a small number of issues…

I haven’t yet resolved those issues, in my mind they’re ongoing. But I can’t physically / mentally do anything about them – or I can, but it’s extreme. And it requires more thought and attention than I wish to give. I can’t change those issues, and they hurt – really hurt. To the point that I cry almost everytime I think about them. But neither that, nor the more extreme option will do anyone any good. I just need to ride them out and hope that someday, someone who was in a position to resolve them sees my point of view.

But anyway, deep breaths; breathe slowly – You need to be the Strong, Confident, Woman that everyone is expecting you to be; as you need to rebuild your personality to match who you are striving to become. And that also means rebuilding your life out of the mess that Bert has left behind. That is no mean feat as he really fucked things up on his way out of the door…

Vikki x

Morning Gorgeous xx

How is everyone today you all feeling OK? Hope so, you’ll tell me if you aren’t, right? You’d better, don’t lie to me! I can’t help you if you’re lying about what’s really going on in that pretty little head of yours, can I? And that, is exactly where I’m coming from today. Why are we all doing this? What are the reasons behind the deep seated psychological discomfort that comes with Dysphoria?

Well, I’m not so sure today if all Trans people are on the same page.

You know I love a good story, telling one especially – it’s part of what makes you a good parent – Hiding your kids from the truth until they’re ready to understand it. But this one is a cracker. You see, I’ve always stated that I have trouble identifying with a lot of the Trans community that’s out there. And I do, I really do and it’s partly because I just don’t get some of the stories that I’m hearing about WHY people want to Transition. What’s the real motivating factor behind it all?

When the younger Trans community get a hold of this post; after I’ve written it. I’m expecting to get flamed. And rightly so – You exercise your voice kids, that what us parent’s tell you to do. But for fucks sake, make sure your story is straight before you open your mouth. Because if I see even the SLIGHTEST reason to think you’re doing this for the wrong reasons; I call you fucking right out on it. I’ll bring that right to front of the argument, and I’ll make it the argument – Like a damn good shrink should do. I say this because I think there’s a rather large amount of you that actually need that to happen first – not that some of you will listen.

I read a story about a Trans person who was constantly put back by his psychiatrist. Got to admit, that’s annoying, can be a pain in the arse. On it’s own, it looked perfectly acceptable for the patient to kick off and look to change their shrink. Don’t blame them for that.

Then I read a few more, and, being autistic, I started to recognise a pattern. Something didn’t add up about these people. Don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before but early psychologists tried to categorise Trans people into six different types, based on their level of Dysphoria – I’m a category five. I’ve opted for surgery but my dysphoria isn’t great enough yet for it to be an absolute necessity. By contrast, a Drag Queen is a category III and your husband trying on your underwear and liking it, is a category I. Category Six’s are the real crazy’s – they HAVE to have the surgery, it’s the only treatment option. And for the love of Caitlyn Jenner do they let you know it.

But here’s the deal. I don’t think all category IV, V and VI’s are genuine. I think there’s people hiding in there who have other “Personality Disorders“, and have either been misdiagnosed or are deliberately bending the system for some reason.

Tell you how I know.

I was talking to someone on the internet last night, and they shown me pics of their transition. And they’re pretty good, and once the transition is complete; you won’t recognise this individual at all – nice. But something concerned me about this person – Something didn’t add up about their story.

Now I need to be careful here not to give too much away, so it HAS to be vague. But their back story involves a lot of shame, relating to a single event, that was a public outcry. I get it, it hurts – my own back story involves a single event that did some damage to me personally. It sucks when it happens.

I don’t know what the issue was, they never told me, but they immediately started talking about moving to another country as well. That’s a sad state of affairs when that happens to you and it was a couple of years ago, and they say they still have issues now. Maybe a change of scenery is the way forward for them. I did it, I didn’t change country; but I moved away in the end.

I’m damn sure that with all of that going on; is going to create some kind of Dysphoria in your life, and you’re going to have to change something in order to deal with it, your location; definitely – but your sex? Do you really need to change your fucking sex to handle something like that? Do you fuck – get over it.

I mean, this person was getting all upset that the doctors were holding the transition back. They’d been on anti-androgens for several months, but with no Estrogen – That didn’t add up – You need the Estrogen to feminize. Their appearance had changed; as they were still young, but they didn’t look female – they looked like a boyish child. Also, they were expecting massive changes with the Estrogen and looking for them to happen straight away. So much so; that they frowned upon me when I said what changes had happened to me so far, as if the Estrogen wasn’t working. I’ve news for you mate, it is. As for them, it seems to me as if the doctors are trying to get them to see something else, but they can’t.

Anyhow, it made me think about the reasons people look to Transition. And in particular, my own. Well I realised a few things then, and I think I need another post after this one. And it’s going to be deeply personal.

Anyway, it’s late, I need to sleep. So I’ll bid you goodnight.

Love,

 

Vikki